Hey America,

It’s your lord and goddamn mother fucking savior Michael Bay. You may know me from, who are we kidding? You know me. I know you know. ME. I invented putting explosions in front of an American Flag and filming the whole thing with a polarized filter in slow motion. I make MOVIES mother fuckers. MOVIES. I also made that awesome Aaron Burr “Got Milk” commercial. I directed videos for Meatloaf and the Goddamn Divinyls. You jerked off for the first time to a music video that I made. I have been photographing the inside of a 13 year old boy’s mind for the better part of 30 years. I also graduated from Wesleyan with a 3.8 G.P.A. I’m the fucking man.

That’s why it breaks my hear that you have turned your back on me America. I have spent 10 years of my life filming goddamn toy commercials because that’s what you wanted. That’s what you needed. I healed the world after 9/11 because I knew you didn’t want true stories of terrorism and political intrigue. No. You wanted the kid from Even Stevens running away from 30 foot tall robots that turn into tanks. You needed some place to go when it got to hot outside. I gave you that. Year after year. So when I finally did a “one for me” movie, you decided that you couldn’t be bothered to go. Pain and Gain was my gift to you and America decided it couldn’t even be asked to go to the post office to pick it up.

When I got the grosses for the weekend I thought my agent was playing a fucking joke on me. $20 million? That must have been from the Thursday night previews. Or maybe that was just our receipts from the Dakotas. Those pricks have never really gotten me. But no, it turns out that was the entire gross for the weekend. THE WEEKEND. What the fuck did you have to do that was more important that seeing Dwayne “THE ROCK” Johnson and Mark “Look At My Fake Boston Cock” Walhberg? Would it have been better if there was a talking CG teddy bear you fucking mopes? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I poured my heart out with the TRUE STORY of juiced up body builders torturing a Miami business man. I cast Rebel Wilson in the movie because America LOVES REBEL WILSON (BTW her farts on set were so loud I had to ADR all her scenes). If you’re like me you have always watched a Coen Brother’s movie and said, “I wish there were more explosions and tits.” Guess what, America? I MADE THAT MOVIE. I swear to God himself (who actually looks like Steven Spielberg. No joke I passed out once on my boat off shore of Saint-Tropez and when I came to he was there. God himself is floating there telling me to direct Transformers 3) that no one loves the Coen Brothers more than me.

Look at my movies. Full of Coen Brother’s actors. Francis McDormand, John Malkovich, and of course John “Jesus {Gonna Fuck You In The Ass} Quintana” Turturro. All I have ever wanted is to make $1 Billion dollars, get into a Five Way with some Victoria’s Secret models, and make a Coen Brothers style flick. With Pain and Gain I was hoping to cross two of those things off my list. But you selfish pricks decided to pass on my new movie. Well you’re missing out. It’s really funny, action packed, and Dwayne steals the entire film. Oh, and I also found a role for Ed Harris, who is great in the movie. Everyone cries about how I make nothing but big budget hollywood trash but when I try to make something different you creeps ignore it. I still got the same bad reviews I got before, only now we aren’t going to get a $150 million opening weekend.

Guess what I am doing now? Packing my bags and heading to China to film the next Transformers movie. This time I am bringing Mark along with me. Thank fuck I don’t have to spend another summer on location with Shia LeDouche. Mark is a great guy and I think we can make a real fun movie. Look, I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I just really wanted Pain and Gain to be a huge hit. I wanted to be able to make other kinds of movies. But I guess that’s not what you want from me America. Unless. Huh. Maybe. That just might work. I know.

AMERICA help me KICKSTART my next personal film. If you dummies gave money to Warner Brothers to make a TV movie and couldn’t wait to give that weird dude from How I Met Your Mother (or was it ER? I don’t watch TV) money to make their movies. Imagine what I could do with your money? America we can do this.

GET LAID, GET PAID,

Michael Bay

Mark Colomb Letter

Michael Fucking Bay Pain and Gain Mark Colomb