Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Category: Letters (page 2 of 6)

A Man With Tourettes Cancels His Gym Membership

Dear 24 Hour Fitness,

I am writing you to cancel my membership. I tried to cancel in person and could not do it. I tried to cancel over the phone and could not do it. So I fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck had to write a letter to cancel my membership. You see I am canceling my membership because balls, dirty dirty balls, I have a disability that has made working out rather uncomfortable. You see titties, big old stretched marked national geographic titties I am suffering from a very extreme form of tourettes and it makes being in public trying at times.

I try to go out of twat twat twat Mary Poppin’s hairy twat to avoid situations where I know my affliction will cause a problem. I try not to head out in crowded places during peak times. I avoid Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Hamlin being in places when I know children are going to be around. I try to avoid places that I know will cause me stress. My doctor recommended I work out to help alleviate some the anxiety I have in relation to my Downton Abbey Downton Abbey Downton Abbey Downton Abbey disease.

To that end I made sure to work out later in the evening but your gym is surprisingly packed at 2AM in the morning. When my pulse rises as it does during vigorous exercise my tourettes has a tendency to present itself. I was asked by ketchup ketchup ketchup ketchup ketchup members of your staff to stop yelling while I worked out. I had a letter from my doctor explaining my situation and that I should be treated with the same care and respect that you would treat a retard (that was not my tourettes, I don’t believe in using politically correct terms like handicapped). After multiple outbursts I was asked to leave the gym. Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks. I just want to work out as per my doctors orders.

However it seems that your gym is not the sort of place that welcomes people with a disability. I guess I will have to go work out at the sort of place that welcomes the kind of people that society shuns, I speak of course of the YMCA. Pillow Fort Pillow Fort Pillow Fort Pillow Fort. It’s a common misconception that people with touretttes only swear. It can often be just a phrase or a word that gets repeated over and over again and again and again and again and again and again and again. PICKLES. Sometimes it can just be a single word that is shouted out. PICKLES.

The real issue that I had wasn’t that I was asked to leave your gym but that I was forced to write a letter to you in order to have my membership cancelled. Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids. It just seems that I should be able to cancel my membership over the phone. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a letter. To be frank I wasn’t even sure that the post office even existed anymore. I thought about using Stamps.com have you guys heard about that one? I listen to a lot of podcasts. My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy everyone look at my sister’s pussy.

So I would just like to put this whole incident behind us. Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass. So I would like to not only cancel my membership but also have my money refunded. I hope that you can understand my problem and I can get my membership canceled before the next cock cock cock cock cock cock cock billing cycle. And before you ask, yes tourettes can present itself in a written form.

All The bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole Best,

Darren Hamlish

 

 

 

A Letter to the Last Person Watching NBC

Dear Eric Van Garden,

Good day. We are writing you this letter because according to our internal tracking you are the last person in America watching NBC. It’s shocking I know but we spoke to the Nielson people and it seems that you are the last person that they can prove watches NBC. We here at the network are reaching out to you for a very simple reason. What the heck would you like to watch?

In the last ten years the ratings at NBC have dropped faster than my wife’s panties at our last Christmas party when she snuck off with that bastard Matt Lauer. Somehow we have went from having “Must See TV” to “The Channel Eric and Only Eric Watches.” Some people at the network think you must have died while watching The Voice sometime in November. So if you could write us back or call the switchboard at 30 Rock that would be huge. I would hate to tailor a network to some dead person rotting away on a couch, although that does seem to work well for CBS. How do you feel about procedurals? It’s worth a shot. The only other viewer we have had the last few months was a prison in Missouri that left us on. A local judge declared this cruel and unusual so we are down to you Eric.

Here’s the thing. We clearly have no idea what kind of television America wants to see so I suggested that we start with one man. We start with the one guy (as long as you haven’t been dead for the last few months) who has stuck with us. First thing we would like to do is offer you the chance to pick however many programs from our back catalog to show on what we are calling “Throwback Thursdays.” There is absolutely no way we could compete with what CBS is showing on Thursdays so we thought that maybe we just show the best stuff from our past. May I suggest a Cheers, Seinfeld, Fraiser, Newsradio, and ER night? Shit. How about 4 hours of Nightcourt. Wings? Look do what you want? We just want to make you happy.

Now what kind of shows do you want to see in development? Currently we have several different reality shows that you could pick from. There is the one where a group of students fight each other for the right to have their student loans paid off. Another involves F list celebrities trying to travel across America in hot air balloons with midgets that look just like them. My personal favorite is a show where people see who can put their arm the furthest into a wood chipper. It’s pretty exciting stuff. You pick the show and we will put it on the air.

Would you care if we filmed you doing stuff? Would you watch that? Think of the money you would save on mirrors. You want to know how you look? Turn on NBC and there you are. Do you think maybe some of your relatives would watch if we put you on TV? If we can just get one more person to watch we have doubled our viewership. You don’t even have to do interesting stuff. We just need programming. Do you have a second TV? Like in a spare room or something? If you could turn that to NBC that would be huge. Every little bit helps.

Look Eric. Whatever you want we are more than happy to do. You want us to just pirate CBS’s signal and show that? We’ll do it. You want us to show reruns of Strawberry Shortcake? We’ll do it. Short of showing “Triumph of the Will” and “Salo” on a 24 hour loop we are all yours. All Eric TV all the time. So first thing is first. Give us a call and let us know that you aren’t dead.

N B C Ya,

Tadd Hamilton

Head of NBC Programming

A Letter From Apple re: No More Podcast, Please.

Dear Chad,

Thank you for submitting your podcast to iTunes. We appreciate that you have taken the time to conceive, record, and upload your podcast to iTunes. However we regret to inform you that we cannot accept your podcast at this time. Please do not resubmit your podcast as we will not accept it then either. We are not accepting any more podcasts for the foreseeable future.

We at Apple believe that we have more than enough podcasts and that it is in everyone’s best interest if we stop now. Although I am sure the world would be enriched with yet another show where someone records a conversation with their friends about music, movies, candy, tv, or model ship building we will not help or encourage you to do so. The world has enough podcasts. We have done the math and it would take a single listener 345 years of continuous listening just to hear all the podcasts just about Mad Men that have been hosted through iTunes in the last year.

Can I be frank with you Chad? What is it that people are hoping will happen with these shows? That someone is going to hear their podcast and dump a truck full of money at their doorstep? Do they think it’s a stepping stone? To what? Radio? Who the fuck listens to the radio? Chad, what is going on in the podcast community? Is there a community? I have listened to some of these shows. Seems like most of the people that host these things haven’t ever talked to another person in their lives. Also if you are going to make something that you want people to listen to, maybe spend a little money and time and make it sound alright? Most of the shows people submit sound like they are recorded in a miatia with the top down driving 65 miles an hour on a freeway to nowhere.

Don’t most people that host a show need to have some level of personality? Barring that, shouldn’t they at least be an expert in the thing they are talking about? I would love to believe in some egalitarian dream that anyone who wants to, should be able to broadcast. But we need to prevent this. The internet has given the entire world a voice and a way to share that voice with the rest of the world. But some things (and if we can be honest with each other, most things) just don’t need to be shared. You are so interesting and interested in something that you think the world has to know? Who cares? I don’t. Apple doesn’t. Keep some of it to yourself you pack of narcissists.

Shortly after we announce our plan to stop accepting new shows we are going to begin phasing out many of the podcasts currently listed on iTunes. We hope that before the end of 2013 we can get trim everything down to the BS Report and WTF with Marc Maron. We figure that’s probably enough nonsense for everyone. Look, if all the podcasts in the world disappeared tomorrow, would anyone other than the hosts really miss them? I doubt it. I really do Chad.

It wouldn’t cost us anything at all. We don’t make a nickel hosting these wastes of time. Who is making the money Chad? Who? Stamps Dot Com? Adam and Eve? Great. I am sure the world will miss those two titans of industry. Somehow I think we can get by without them. Please help us spread the word. Chad, I know we can do it. I believe we can do it. Help us get the world to stop casting.

– Apple Computers

Stop Podcasting

Stop Podcasting

 

A Letter To The Office re: Bagel and Coffee Mug Policies

Dear Office Mates,

If I haven’t met you before my names is Louis and I work in accounting on the 3rd floor. I have worked here for over 10 years and hope this letter finds you well. As you know one of the great perks of working at Amalgamated Industrial Design and Sprockets is that we get bagels on Mondays. However I feel that some of you have been abusing this perk. I don’t want to point fingers but I believe that someone continues to eat the everything bagel when I thought it was common knowledge that the everything bagel is for senior employees.

To be specific I get the everything bagel. The everything bagel is strictly for Louis ie; me. When we started ordering bagels five years ago we only got plain bagels. One day I suggested to Helen the office manger that maybe we could be provided with mixed selection of bagels. The first day they came in I was lucky enough to get the only everything bagel. The following Monday I got the everything bagel as well. This continued on for the next five years. I really can’t stress this enough to the new employees that eating the everything bagel is my thing. That is what makes me unique here. Without that bagel what kind of identity do I even have here?

You see when someone just disregards the culture of the office vis a vis bagel policies this whole house of cards is libel to come down. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT LOUIS GETS THE EVERYTHING BAGEL. What am I supposed to do? Eat the poppy seed bagel? I can’t and do you know why? Because Derrick gets the poppy seed bagel and I will not defy previously established bagel policies here in the office. I respect the culture and the bagel policy. I respect my coworkers and I respect their bagel choices.

But I feel this is only just one small portion of an overall problem relating to food in the office. Can someone explain to me why people are moving my Tupperware each day? I have been placing my lunch in the back corner of the third shelf in the red fridge each and every day for the last ten years. Recently someone has been moving my Tupperware into the back corner of the fourth shelf of the red fridge and I will not stand for it any longer. I have suggested to Helen the office manager that we should install a web cam in the break room so that I can keep an eye on who is moving my food. I will find you and you will be dealt with.

I also don’t appreciate the amount of personal messaging on people’s coffee mugs. I have children and though my ex wife won’t let me see them I do not appreciate the insinuation that Robert in HR is the “World’s Best Dad.” I cannot speak to Robert’s prowess as a father but I bet he is not even close to being the world’s best dad. He both a braggart and liar. I also take umbrage with Kenneth’s coffee mug stating that he doesn’t like Mondays. I don’t like to have someone’s political beliefs being thrown in my face every time I want to drink a cup of joe. I suggest people buy a plain white mug and then write their name in 12 point Times New Roman. Simple. Uniform.

I hope that this letter brings to light some of the challenges facing our office. I demand that I get my everything bagel. I demand that I get the back corner of the third shelf for my Tupperware. I demand that people stop forcing their political beliefs on the rest of the staff through their coffee mugs.

Thank you and good day.

Louis Roberts

This will not be tolerated

This will not be tolerated

A Letter To Star Fleet from a Potential Red Shirt

Dear Starfleet,

It is with a heavy heart that I must decline your most recent offer. As a recent graduate of Starfleet Academy though it is my dream to receive a commission on board a Starship I don’t believe this is the one for me. I cannot and will not be a member of the security team on the Starship Enterprise. I will not be donning a red shirt today, tomorrow, or any star date in the future. I value my life far too much.

As a boy I had always dreamt of the day when I could take to the stars. I worked hard in school learning the ins and outs of a life on the edge of tomorrow. My dream was to be captain of my own Starship. To boldly seek blah blah blah you know the rest. Sure I wasn’t the best student in high school and if it wasn’t for my uncle Dale I wouldn’t have gotten into Starfleet Academy. I know this. You know this. However being a poor student doesn’t mean that I have to be given a death sentence.

I knew fairly quickly that I wasn’t going to be a standout member of Starfleet. But I figured worse case I would spend a five years working off my student space loans manning a station near a wormhole. I don’t know, maybe get an assignment on one of those botany stations keeping an eye on cute blond space gardeners. What I was not prepared for was a letter informing me that I was going to be going to be sent to my death. The best case I can hope for is that when some Gorn is feasting on my flesh he finishes me quickly and doesn’t leave me to bleed in the desert under some foreign sun.

I have combed the logs for The Enterprise and to be frank the odds of someone wearing a red shirt making it down the surface and not coming back in a body bag is slim to none. Over 70% of all deaths on the Enterprise in it’s initial voyage under the reckless hedonist James Tiberius Kirk were members of the of the security team. A life of cannon fodder is not the life for me.

Sidebar. Can someone reprimand Kirk for continuing to place his away teams into situations that conclude with Lt. Commander Scott playing Amazing Grace on his bagpipes? Everyone dies. All of the time. How is it that Kirk and Spock are the only people that seem to make it back to the ship day after day? If Kirk was running a factory and 43 people died over the course of 3 years it would be shut down and he would be locked up. You folks have given him the keys to one of the finest ships in the fleet.

I hope you understand my reticence to accept this commission. I would love nothing more than to be a member of Starfleet. I would love nothing more than to take a five-year mission to discover new life and whatever else it is that people get up to in space. But I refuse to be a member of the Enterprise. I will not die due to the incompetence of one brash and reckless yahoo.

 

Please Don’t Beam Me Up,

Gregory Rasputin Hasleton

mark colomb

Marvel Comics is Going Independent

Hello Rich Guys,

Alan Horn here CEO of Disney. Well, well, well. You all laughed at me when I said we should buy Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. Everyone questioned me. Everyone said we overpaid. Guess what? Everyone can suck this mouseketeer’s nut sack. After getting the grosses on Iron Man 3 my first idea was to build a real 20 story Scrooge McDuck style vault and swim around in my comic book movie money. However instead I decided to pump the money back into our production schedule. We own thousands of characters and I will be dammed if we don’t exploit all of them.

We have to branch out. Next summer we are bringing the Guardians of the Galaxy to the screen. It will be Marvel’s version of Star Wars. But what else can we give the public? I believe it’s time we get serious. We are going to take Marvel to the independent world. We are going to win Sundance and get ourselves a goddamn Palm Dior. How you ask? How about with this lineup?

Giant Man and The Wasp – Sarah Polley directs and stars as Janet Van Dyne The Wasp. Daniel Day Lewis plays her husband Hank Pym Giant Man/Ant Man. Since we have another Ant Man picture in development he will only be Giant Man. A hard hitting domestic drama about the pain of making a super hero marriage work. This film will touch on domestic violence and super heroics. A story of super heroes that need to be saved from themselves. This could be our Oscar picture if we nail the tone. I really believe that the world is ready to see the painful world of super hero marriage.

Captain Marvel – Based on the 70’s graphic novel. The story of Captain Marvel being exposed to nerve gas and developing incurable cancer. Shane Caruth directs himself in this cosmic story of loss. We open on Captain Marvel being exposed to nerve gas. The final 2/3 of the film is done completely silent and without music. The only noise will be the heartbeat and breath of Captain Marvel as he slowly slips away. The story of a super hero and the one villain he can’t defeat. I understand the original graphic novel was a real hit so we should have a built in audience. We will introduce Captain Marvel in the post credit tag on Guardians of the Galaxy. We open on his galactic mailbox. He opens and sees results from the space hospital. The word Cancer is written across the paper. He crumples it up and falls to his knees. Smash cut to black and then smash cut to green for all the money we are going to make.

Dazzler – A period piece. Dazzler is a marvel mutant from the early 80’s who sings and dances. We will set the picture in the late 70’s early 80’s New York. Dazzler starts out as a waitress in Studio 54. She moved to New York with a bag full of leg warmers and a dream. This merry mutant rises to fame as New York is crumbling around her. Look for a David Bowie to show up as a spirit guide/slash third act villain. As Dazzler is rising the charts people around her are dying of a mysterious disease that no one recognizes. It looks like the flu and is taking people left and right. Can Dazzler top the charts? Can Dazzler stop AIDS? To be directed by John Cameron Mitchell who will also star as Dazzler. We are hoping to hit the sweet spot between Fame/Cruising/Flash Dance. It could be huge.

As you can see their is a whole world of characters and stories. Marvel doesn’t have to just be for children. If we can get traction in the world of adult cinema there will be no stopping us. We can get them as kids with the Avengers and then take them through their pretentious 20’s and 30’s as they attempt to grow up.

Make Mine Marvel,

Alan Horn

A Letter About Harold My Canary That Died

Dear PetCo,

My name is Aaron Aaronson. I was always first in line for P.E. in school. I bought a bird from you two years ago. I named him Harold after my ferret named Harold. It just seemed easier. I am writing you to let you know that Harold recently died. I do not expect a refund or a new canary. To be honest I am writing you because I don’t know who else to write to in these trying times. You see Harold was a canary and he died. I don’t know much but I know that something must be wrong.

My uncle who checks in on me once a week said that I shouldn’t be that upset. He said that birds die all the time. I am sad that Harold died. I am more concerned that I have a dead canary on my hands. I told my uncle about how I saw a show on public television about how miners used canaries to check to see if a mine was safe. When the bird died they knew they were in trouble. Well my Harold is dead. Harold was a canary and he is dead and now I am sure I am in trouble. What do you think killed him? I told my uncle about some of my theories.

My first thought is that there is a gas leak in the house. Since my parents died I am all alone. Sometimes things break in the house and I don’t know what to do. Once the upstairs bath wouldn’t stop running and water went all over the house. It went down the stairs and it went down the hall and it went out into the yard and it went out the front door. My uncle came over and we cleaned it all up. Since then the house smells bad sometimes and I get headaches when it gets too hot outside. My uncle says that there is nothing we can do about it. I wish my parents were still here to help me sometimes.

I checked the gas and it seems fine. So what else could have killed Harold? I thought maybe it was his bird food. Maybe it was too old. My uncle always tells me check how old my food is. I left a sandwich in the refrigerator once for a month. I wanted to save it because it was so good I didn’t want to eat it all at once. So I waited a month to eat the rest. It tasted different and then I got a tummy ache. My uncle told me about how sometimes food can go bad. So I thought maybe Harold’s food was bad. But he just eats bird seeds and it tasted alright when I tried it. I didn’t get a tummy ache.

After the food I thought maybe it could have been because he was cold. The winter before I got Harold my gas got shut off because I forgot to pay the bill. I didn’t notice for at first because it was January and it gets real cold then. I just figured it was getting colder and colder because it was winter. When my uncle came to visit he told me the heat must be off. I was wearing two jackets and three sweatshirts. I looked pretty silly. He called the heat people and got it turned back on. But I don’t think Harold was cold because it’s July and it’s not that cold out. So that couldn’t be it.

I just don’t know what happened to Harold. I get worried sometimes when things go bad. Sometimes my uncle says I shouldn’t live by myself. He says I can’t take care of myself. He said I couldn’t take good care of Harold the bird. Harold the ferret is alright. He lives in the basement. I like to live in my house. I get lonely sometimes since my parents died. I like living in the room I grew up in. I don’t want to move away. I hope my uncle doesn’t make me move away.

Do you have more birds that I could look at? I think I need a new Harold the bird. Maybe this time I will get a parakeet. If they die I don’t think it means anything bad. I like to walk around PetCo when I get sad sometimes. I get sad sometimes since my parents died. My name is Aaron Aaronson. I was always first in line in P.E.

Thanks,

A.A

I Can’t Recap Another Episode of Rules of Engagement

Dear Overlords at TV Town.Com,

Jennifer Longfellow here. It is with a heavy heart that I have to resign from my post as a television show recapper. I realize when I came to you three years ago I thought I was going to work here forever. I am unable to express the joy I felt when you asked me to write for your site after seeing my posts in the forum of Television Without Pity. Over the years that joy has dwindled and now I find myself ready for a change. Sadly I must move on. There are a number of reasons for my decision and I feel it only fair to share them with you. Be forewarned some of my reasons could be a little shocking.

First of all. Why the fuck do we recap television? Is it for blind people? Because if it’s for blind people than I guess that makes sense. Wait, no it doesn’t. Because I certainly didn’t write it in braille? Does someone know if there are people that read blind people things on the internet? Maybe there is some kind of software. But seriously. Who reads tv recaps? Are there people out there without the time to watch How I Met Your Mother that are interested in reading a thousand word description of what Doogie and Willow got up to? You get the analytics, right? You must know. Are we just writing SEO bait? I cannot stay up late to watch another episode of Tosh.0 and then muster the energy to recount the HILARIOUS videos that Tosh watches each week. There has to be a better way to spend my 30’s.

I left college with the dream of being a crime reporter at a major metropolitan newspaper. I knew that I would have to take some lumps along the way. I was ready to cover flower shows and rewrite birth announcements for as long as I needed to. Little did I know the majority of my output after graduating from Northwestern with a Masters in Journalism was going to be recaps of last night’s Survivor. No one cares.

Why are we wasting our time? I am $75,000 in debt thanks to grad school. I don’t think I am going to be able to write my way out of this one. I could spend the rest of my life writing “2 Broke Girls” live blogs for you and never get one cent closer to being out of debt. Maybe I should write a book? Do people even read books anymore? Or do they only read the blurb on amazon? How am I supposed to pay down my debt?

I guess I could if you guys PAID. How exactly do you justify never paying anyone? Is it just that you don’t make any money? Because I could understand that. Based on the antiquated design and overall abhorrent look of your site, I can’t believe anyone would read it. But from what Karen in accounting told me you dumb dumbs get ad revenue. Who exactly is making money off this site? The contributors that people are coming here for certainly aren’t.

If I dug a ditch for someone they would pay me. If I drew someone a picture of a ditch, I wouldn’t. If I washed dishes or delivered a pizza, I would get paid. But if I write a piece on the season finale of “Big Bang Theory” I should just be glad I am getting “exposure.” I am tired of being exposed. I would love to get paid, just once. Is there anyway you could expose me to some money at some point? Do you realize that if no one ever pays anyone, at some point there won’t be anyone left to create things? Eh, who am I fooling?

Doesn’t it bother anyone that all we do anymore is just comment on things other people make? No one bothers to make anything new anymore. No once creates. The few that do even attempt to are just combining things that already exists and don’t even bother to have the decency to pretend they aren’t. We spend out days tossing pithy comments from the sidelines of life. I just can’t do it anymore. I am taking my leave and will go and be an ice road trucker. A life in the north away from the internet and from message boards will be the best thing for me.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if I leave or not. You will find some other naive sap, fresh out of J-School. You will convince them that writing about “Duck Dynasty” is the first step on their path to a long and prosperous career as a cultural critic of note. So I hope you can find someone else to conduct a week long semiotics based discussion on last week’s Mad Men because it won’t be Jennifer Longfellow.

 Get Fucked,

Jennifer “BuffyFanBrownCoat43” Longfellow

mark colomb television

My Overlord

A Letter From A Coach to His 1st Grade Kickball Team re: Pyramid of Success

Dear Grass Valley Dragons Kickball Team,

I am writing you all to let you know how disappointed I am with our previous season. For a team of six year olds you were all playing like a bunch goddamn children. I expect that level of disorganization from the kindergarden teams but you are all in the first fucking grade. Do you want to play kickball or do you want to stand around all day and pick your fucking noses? Because to me it seemed like most of you were content to pick your fucking noses (Becky I am looking at you). If you want to return to the team next year I need you read the information below.

This is Coach John Wooden’s pyramid of success. If we can apply these lessons I believe that our kickball team could be one of the best in the league and we could compete with teams in the 3rd maybe even the 4th grade.

THE BASE OF THE PYRAMID ARE MADE UP OF THESE THINGS

Industriousness – Did we work hard enough? No, we didn’t. Most of you were content to chase butterflies in the field when you should have been playing defense. How did any of you think we were going to win a game when our second basemen and our shortstop were always singing wheels on the bus when they should have been watching for the goddamn ball?

Friendship – Stacey and Vicki were best friends when we started the season. But when Stacey told everyone in the first grade that Vicki wet her bed our team was ripped apart. THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. Also Vicki needs to stop wetting the bed. Grow the fuck up Vicki.

Loyalty – When I ask you to do something YOU CANNOT CRY. You cannot complain to your mothers or my wife when I make you stay late to do shuttle runs. I am your coach and I am not your father (except Vanessa, I am your father but when its kickball time I am your coach).

Cooperation – We are a team. We are not 15 little girls running around like spastic cats. I need you to play like a team. If someone is peeing their bed we don’t embarrass them even if it’s Vicki. God Dammit Vicki stop pissing the bed. You need to realize your dad is never coming back. It’s not your fault Vicki. Your mom is a monster. No one blames you.

Enthusiasm – You know how excited you get when we go for frozen yogurt and I let you all get gummi bears? Well I need you that excited for games. I don’t need you acting like spoiled little bitches out there. We need to get pumped.

THE NEXT LEVEL OF THE PYRAMID 

Self Control – This goes back to picking your nose or singing songs when you should be playing the game. You have to able to give yourself over to this game. If you can’t be good at kickball what hope do you have? Do you think life is going to get easier as you get older? Let me tell you this. Your days playing kickball could be the best day of your lives. If you don’t pay attention you will wake up one day stocking a Home Depot at night because you don’t make enough money roofing since your brother kicked you out of the union.

Alertness – I need you to pay attention and to be present or else we won’t be able to win games. I literally saw some of you fall asleep out there. The least you can do is stay awake for the course of the game. You don’t think I get tired? I work 78 hours a week and coach a bunch of ungrateful little monsters. I’m exhausted constantly.

Initiative – I can only coach people that want to be here. You have to be your own coach. You have to want to be here. Sometimes in life you have to do things not because you want to, but because you have to. Sometimes you stay married to someone because you know you can’t afford the divorce. So you take the lead and start coaching on the weekends so you can get out of the house and spend time with your daughter before your wife takes her away one weekend to live with her mother in Albuquerque.

Intentness – Coach Wooden would say that we must stay the course. That we must persevere relentlessly. We cannot give up even though we think about it every single day when we wake up from another night sleeping on the couch in the spare room.

THE NEXT STEP UP 

Condition – If you kids don’t get into shape I don’t think we will ever win again. If everyone doesn’t drop five pounds by the start of next season I don’t think we are ever going to get frozen yogurt again.

Skill – We are not good enough to win right now. Maybe the answer is that we need two a day practices again this summer. Maybe three a days are the answer? I don’t know what is but I do know we have to get better. You can’t go through life without skills or else you end up hauling scrap in the off season when you should be spending time at your father’s lake house. Too bad it went to your brother in the will and you got nothing.

Team Spirit – We need more cheers. Now I admit some of mine were… well a little more adult than what we needed but the idea behind them was good. I need someone to find some cheers that capture the spirit of O-R-G-Y, What’s that spell? Teamwork.  But without offending some of our more demure team members and their bitch ass parents. Also if you see your parents writing an email to the league commissioner about me unplug their computer.

ALMOST TO THE TOP OF THE PYRAMID 

Poise – This comes back to how we conduct ourselves. We are fighters, we are winners, we don’t give up no matter how far we have fallen. It has to get better. Maybe one day your wife will just leave on her own and you won’t have to pay her alimony? Never give up hope no matter how bad Richard the night manager at Home Depot treats you.

Confidence – Play like champions. Act like winners. Don’t act like some sniveling little quitter. If someone walks up to you at Home Depot and asks if you are the manager, SAY YES god dammit. Be the change you want to see.

 AT THE TOP

Competitive Greatness – We must fight. We must work. We must not give up. I need you to respect me girls. I need you to believe in me. Together we can move mountains. Together we can win kickball games. Give me a reason to get up in the morning. Give me the chance to succeed.

THEN SUCCESS 

Mark Colomb

Mark Colomb Pyramid of Success John Wooden Letter

A Letter to ESPN re: Hire Me to Be on TV

Dear ESPN,

My name is Randy Marigold and I believe that I am a just the kind of personality your are looking for. I have been watching your network rather extensively since you started covering my main man Timothy Tebow. He is truly a Godsend to us all. In the last few months I have been watching nothing but your network from the minute I get up to the second I get so stoned I pass out. I have to say without a shadow of a doubt that I would be a great fit for Sportscenter, Around the Horn, Outside the Lines, World Series Poker, any and all XGames,  and of course the greatest show on television First Take.

First off I don’t even like sports. That seems to be the number one thing all your personalities have in common. I can imagine how hard it is to cover a sport when you find it interesting or exciting. So believe me when I say I couldn’t care less about some dumb fucking game. I just want to be on television. Pure and simple. And I want to be on it a lot so I figure that ESPN is the best way to accomplish that. I could start the morning out on Mike and Mike, head over to First Take, stop by The Herd, get on Sportscenter, then Outside the Lines, Around The Horn, Sportscenter again, E60, and work all the evening shows. Where else could I even dream of getting that much screen time without any appreciable talent? Most networks limit the talent to one show a day. On ESPN I could do TV, Radio, and then podcasts. I can be everywhere.

I take direction really well. If you tell me that I hate Tim Tebow because that is better for the network, I’ll hate him. If you tell me that I can only talk about Manti Te’o from sun up to sun down, I’ll do it. I understand that being a personality on your network isn’t about having my own opinions it’s more about having the opinions you want me to have when I need to have them. I dream of being like Skip Bayless and contradicting myself day to day because WHO GIVES A SHIT? It doesn’t matter what I said last year, last month, last week, or even in the last segment. It only matters that I generate controversy. I can go on First Take and shit all over LeBron James, then if you need me to go on The Herd to yell and scream at Colin about how much I love LeBron I can do that. No one is paying any attention to the stuff you guys say. It only matters if you are yelling at each other and that you fill time.

I was worried initially that my rather extreme political views would not be a good fit for your network. However recently I noticed that most of your personalities don’t give two fucks. You have racists, homophobes, and chumps and those are just the people on first take. So I figure that my beliefs in the the illuminati, lizard people, Tri-Laterals, the importance of the gold standard, that 9/11 was an inside job involving Jay-Z, that Obama is really Patrick Ewing in disguise, and that Asian women have sideways vaginas won’t be that big of a deal. I can’t promise that some of this stuff won’t end up in my commentary. In fact I bet most of it will. But shit, you guys don’t care. I could go on a rant about the lizard men running our National Parks Department and that wouldn’t seem half as crazy as most of the shit the people on Around the Horn say every day. Crazy is relative and next to Woody Paige anyone sounds can sound normal.

I think you can tell I would be a great fit for your network. I am excited about the perks package. As a member of the ABC/Disney family am I entitled to go on a date with Selena Gomez? Do I get free fast passes at Disneyland? Can I get hooked up with Home Improvement on  Blu-ray? I can’t wait to come to work. I am stoked to live in beautiful Bristol. Do you know if Chris Berman has a roomate?

Signing Off,

Randy Marigold

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