When we talked about “Glengarry Glen Ross” on Episode 63 of An Hour With Your Ex Podcast Mel Evans and I wrote our version of a David Mamet scene. How did we do? Listen to us read the scene below on the show. 

INT. Night – Podcast Studio 

Cats are running around the dusty computer and mixer. 

Mark: When are we going…

Mel: Going to what

Mark: Let me finish

Mel: Finish what?

Mark: my thought. Let me finish my thought.

Mel: Please. Finish. Go on… no one is preventing you.

Mark: When are we going to record a podcast.

Mel: Now you’re asking me? You’re asking me? What are you asking me?

Mark: I am asking you when we intend to record a podcast.

Mel: Fuck you. That’s when. When are you going to record a podcast?

Mark: That’s what I am asking. Can we….

Mel: Record your precious podcast?

Mark: Yes.

Mel: Soon.

Mark: Soon?

Mel: Yes. Soon. Sooner than later.

Mark: But later than….

Mel: Now? Yes. Later than now. But sooner than later.

Mark: Mel, can we just do the….

Mel: The show? Yes. Yes we can do the show. Yes. We can talk about whatever stupid fucking comic book nonsense you picked. You sad little man. With your sad little show. You think anyone wants to hear your fucking show? You think you know what people want? What do they want?

Mark: They wa…

Mel: Fuck you. That’s what they want. You know what they want? You know what they want to hear from you? Nothing. You are talking to no one.

Mark: That doesn’t seem very…

Mel: Very what? Nice? Fuck you.  Is that nice.

Mark: Mel, please?

Mel: Please what? Do your show? Talk about Iron Man, or Spider-Man, or whatever sort of man you want to speak about this week? What do you know about men?

Mark: I know…

Mel: Nothing.  You know what I tell you. That’s what you know. That’s ALL that you know. Now (beat) what do you know?

Mark: Nothing

Mel: There you go. You know nothing. Now you know something. Because you know that you know nothing. But you know what I know?

Mark: What’s that?

Mel: I know, yes, I know. I know what people want to hear. Look at the numbers you fucking chump. Look at the numbers.

Mark: I’ve seen the numbers. I know…

Mel: We have already been over this. You know nothing. You don’t know numbers because if you did, you would know that I am the only person here who knows what the fuck the people want. Do you know what they want?

Mark: I think…

Mel: You most certainly do not. You breathe, you wheeze, you stumble, and you stammer. But you… YOU DO NOT THINK.

Mark: Well then tell me. Tell me Mel what is it that people want? What is this great truth that you want to share with me?

Mel: With you? Nothing. There is nothing I would share with you. I don’t share and if I did? (Beat)  It wouldn’t be with you. No, no it would not. The people want Downton Abbey, the people want Jane Austen, the people, yes, the people, or should I say my people, they want whatever I give them.

Mark: That’s not always….

Mel: What? True? Yes you fucking mope. It’s true. You know what truth is? It’s numbers. It’s the things that come after zero. You know what zero is, right? It’s the thing you see every day in the mirror. Well the things that come next are the things that count. The bigger the number the better it is and my numbers are better than yours. You want to talk truth? Let me tell you about the truth. The truth, yes, the truth is what you can prove. And I can prove that you don’t know dick about the truth.

Mark: That hurts.

Mel: Does it, does it hurt? Well it should. That’s the best thing about the truth most of the time it hurts and the thing it hurts, yes, that thing that it can hurt? That thing is your pride. I would say that you think about your pride too much but we already know that you don’t think and if you did think you would know that any thought you had wasn’t worth having in the first place. You fuck. You useless little fuck. So back to the top. Will I do your show? No. No I will not do your show. Will I do our show? No. No I will not do our show. You fuck. You useless little fuck. But what I will do. Yes. What I will allow to happen is you can do my show. You can do the show I want to do when and how I want to do it. You fuck. You useless little fuck. Now do you want to do a show?

Mark: Yes. Thank you.

Mel: You’re fucking welcome. You fuck. You useless little fuck.

Mark Colomb

An Hour With Your Ex Podcast – Mark Colomb