Dear Becky,

Your mother and I got your email the other day. Though we have always tried to support you I don’t think we can help you this time. You are 33 the same age as Christ was at the end of his life. I think it is time to put an end to your scheming and maybe get a job. Having said that I do have to commend you though for your latest plan. However clever I find the idea I regretfully must let you know that your mother and I will not be contributing to your Kickstarter. Though I do have some questions.

What exactly are you kickstarting? I have looked through the web page and though you seem to hint at some sort of art project there doesn’t actually seem to be anything there. Parsing the language it seems that you want the people donating to your kickstarter to help cover your rent and pay down your credit cards. Is this correct? Initially I was taken aback by your email and wondered who you hoped to fool. But looking at the page it seems that over a dozen people have already donated. Who are these saps?

Having seen your hubris at play in the past I was couldn’t help but chuckle at the video you included in your kickstarter. Your pleas for people to help you grow your art and support the arts is completely ridiculous. You aren’t an artist. I have a dozen 30 year old finger paintings that confirm that. So for you to even pretend to be some sort of bohemian is a joke. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that you are an artist in one sense. You paint with bullshit. You always have and I guess you always will. So in a round about way someone donating to your kickstarter I guess does actually support your art. But I doubt you’re smart enough to look at it that way.

Can I ask about the prizes? $10 gets a personal phone call from Becky? I looked over the bill for the cell phone we pay for and over the last year and it seems that you called home four times. So do I owe you $40? I would prefer that over the $75K in student loans that we took out so that you could go to school to learn how to be an interior designer. I can’t believe it costs $75K to learn how to move a couch. The next few tiers are rather boring. But the $150 plateau is interesting. For $150 someone gets the right to take you out to Thai food and a movie. So you don’t even pay? Wow. Sweetheart, there is a word for this. And the fact that you have 20 of these prizes available is a little disconcerting. Are you one of those girls on Craig’s list? I guess I have only myself to blame.

For $1000 I can have the artist live with me for a summer. Well. That is a treat. I owe you $33K based on that model. I don’t understand. Are you implying that living with you is some kind of prize? I found a pinky once in a box of Cracker Jacks when I was a kid. It was horrifying. Comparing one prize to the other I would take the pinky in the box before letting you live with me again. In fact I would pay you $2000 if you promised to never move home again.

I know I am your father and I am supposed to support everything you do. Financially I am completely tapped out. I couldn’t give you another nickel if I wanted to. Emotionally I am exhausted after supporting you for 33 years. Sometimes you have to realize that you need to cut bait. So I hope that by finally cutting you off maybe I can metaphorically kickstart your life. By the time I was your age I owned a house, had a wife, a daughter, and had fought in Southeast Asia. At 33 you are scamming people out of money on the internet, you have a cat (that your mother and I look after), you haven’t had health insurance in ten years. Having said all that there is still a part of me that is incredibly impressed with the length you have gone to with this fake kickstarter.

 

Your Dad,

Dean Halffer

 

Mark Colomb

My Daughter’s Kickstarter – Mark Colomb