Dear Cardinals and Such,

Goddammit. I mean that. Goddammit. It’s Gary from the PR wing of the Catholic Church. We got a serious problem right now. I am out there trying to market this dying religion and one of you is out there shooting his mouth off. Who leaked it to the press that Pope Francis had performed an exorcism? Was it someone from our American parishes? Those fuckers couldn’t keep a secret if it was buried in the butt of a twelve year old boy. I mean how hard is it to understand we are trying to tone down the attention of the hocus pocus from Catholicism and put it back where it belongs. On The Lord Almighty.

We can’t have people running around telling the press that Pope Frank has expelled a demon from someone. I am having a hard enough time just selling regular old God to people these days without you dopes talking about this nonsense. The plan as I laid it out in my last power power point presentation to the pontiff was that we are taking our message back to the basics. Father, Son, Holy Ghost. I can sell people transubstantiation but Demons? Maybe if I was Robert Evans in 1973 I could push that out there and get people to buy it. But you guys aren’t William Friedkin and I don’t think we can get Ellen Burstyn on “The Dick Cavett” show to push this. It’s 2013 you dopes. We have to stick to what works.

For the record I don’t know if Frank actually performed an exorcism and frankly I don’t care. But when word leaks out about this it leads to people asking questions. Questions that I would prefer that they never even thought about. Then somehow word leaked out that you guys had a convention in 2010 in Baltimore to discuss exorcisms? HOW DO I EXPLAIN DEMONCON? Did you guys get badges and cosplay? Shit, I guess you never really stop cosplaying do you? Was there a guest speaker? Internal numbers show that over 1,000 members of the church showed up. For real? Why do you guys make this so hard for me? God help all of you if there are pictures on your Facebook page from Demoncon.

In fact if any of you have a facebook page just delete it. I don’t want to hear about a single one of you having a Facebook page, Twitter, and especially not a Tumblr. I guess LinkedIn is alright but if I check your profile and any of you are friends with someone younger than 18 that shit is gone and you lose internet privileges for a month. I don’t want to see any of you on Vine, I can’t even imagine what you creeps would film for six seconds.

Just try and keep a low profile. I am doing my darndest to get people excited about Catholicism again but it’s tough. You guys make it really tough.  I honestly don’t get paid enough to cover up the absolute nonsense that you mooks get up to. We are making great inroads in the third world people without the internet still buy into this stuff. I wish there was some way we could market you guys to the evangelicals in America but they are worse than Pope Sylvester III, am I right? So please do me a solid. Keep the exorcism chatter to a minimum and stay off the internet.

 

Dust to Dust,

Gary Angle

Chief PR Vatican City

Mark Colomb

A Letter From the Vatican