“Chewie, we’re home.”

With that line, a million voices seemed to cry out that they all cried at work watching a advertisement. Which is a really weird way to react to marketing (outside of ads for pet shelters.) It’s Han Solo and Chewbacca back at again. Chewie, we’re all home! Wait, didn’t home suck? Hasn’t “Star Wars” sucked since at least 1997? Or maybe 1983 if you’re being honest? Why would you want to go back there? Why would you want to go home? We’re both getting goosebumps – only mine are caused by the thought of unopened Boss Nass figures in a hot suburban garage I never want to go back to. What is everyone so excited about?

What about Star Wars excites you? I won’t waste my time with my bonafides but like Tim from “Spaced,” I’ve made my peace with “Star Wars.”

I just can’t believe how many of you are allowing yourself to be fooled again. It’s the “home” thing, isn’t it? That’s the good stuff – pure  medical grade, uncut nostalgia. You just want to go home, that’s why you still watch wrestling, or read comics, root for some team you don’t live any where near – whatever you need do to go “home.”

J.J. Abrams is all about going “home.” His singular marketing innovation (according to J.J.) is the mystery box. It’s so easy to kill him for this TED talk because it exposes everything that makes J.J. Abrams work so weak. Like the best kind of marketers, he’s hiding it in plain sight.

A charming anecdote about about some gift his grandfather gave him he never opened – the mystery is always better than the reality, right? If he had opened it, I’m sure it was just a check for $5 (joke credit to the other love of my life John Sabine.)

J.J.’s whole career is selling you empty boxes addressed to your old house. He wraps them up in things you used to love but everything is just off model. It’s “Star Trek” – but not really; Spielberg -but not really; and now “Star Wars” but not really. Like any licensed piece of material, it mostly just reminds that it isn’t exactly the thing you love. J.J. Abrams is making supermercado “Star Wars” pinatas. I just don’t think I need to wait till December to find out what’s inside.

Do I want it to be good? Of course. Will I see it? Of course. Do I want to believe? Desperately. Almost as much as I want the new “Twin Peaks” to happen and be great, someone to make a “Dune” movie that is as good as the one in my head, or that Chris Carter will make good episodes of a new “X-Files.” I WANT TO BELIEVE – I just know better and so do you. J.J. Abrams makes bad movies – search your heart, you know it to be true.

I get why you are excited. I’m just preaching caution. Neither “Star Wars” nor J.J. Abrams has done much in the last 20 years to earn your trust. If we go back to the last time J.J. Abrams wrote something starring Harrison Ford, we have even more reasons to be concerned.

It’s usually after I’ve stopped at In-N-Out, just after my parents have gone to bed. I’m laying in a tiny old bed, in my tiny old house, where tiny old me dreamt about big and new “Star Wars” movies that I remember – I FUCKING HATE GOING HOME.