Dear 24 Hour Fitness,
I am writing you to cancel my membership. I tried to cancel in person and could not do it. I tried to cancel over the phone and could not do it. So I fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck had to write a letter to cancel my membership. You see I am canceling my membership because balls, dirty dirty balls, I have a disability that has made working out rather uncomfortable. You see titties, big old stretched marked national geographic titties I am suffering from a very extreme form of tourettes and it makes being in public trying at times.
I try to go out of twat twat twat Mary Poppin’s hairy twat to avoid situations where I know my affliction will cause a problem. I try not to head out in crowded places during peak times. I avoid Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Harry Hamlin being in places when I know children are going to be around. I try to avoid places that I know will cause me stress. My doctor recommended I work out to help alleviate some the anxiety I have in relation to my Downton Abbey Downton Abbey Downton Abbey Downton Abbey disease.
To that end I made sure to work out later in the evening but your gym is surprisingly packed at 2AM in the morning. When my pulse rises as it does during vigorous exercise my tourettes has a tendency to present itself. I was asked by ketchup ketchup ketchup ketchup ketchup members of your staff to stop yelling while I worked out. I had a letter from my doctor explaining my situation and that I should be treated with the same care and respect that you would treat a retard (that was not my tourettes, I don’t believe in using politically correct terms like handicapped). After multiple outbursts I was asked to leave the gym. Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks Chimp Dicks. I just want to work out as per my doctors orders.
However it seems that your gym is not the sort of place that welcomes people with a disability. I guess I will have to go work out at the sort of place that welcomes the kind of people that society shuns, I speak of course of the YMCA. Pillow Fort Pillow Fort Pillow Fort Pillow Fort. It’s a common misconception that people with touretttes only swear. It can often be just a phrase or a word that gets repeated over and over again and again and again and again and again and again and again. PICKLES. Sometimes it can just be a single word that is shouted out. PICKLES.
The real issue that I had wasn’t that I was asked to leave your gym but that I was forced to write a letter to you in order to have my membership cancelled. Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids Hemorrhoids. It just seems that I should be able to cancel my membership over the phone. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a letter. To be frank I wasn’t even sure that the post office even existed anymore. I thought about using Stamps.com have you guys heard about that one? I listen to a lot of podcasts. My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy My sister’s pussy everyone look at my sister’s pussy.
So I would just like to put this whole incident behind us. Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass Banana in my ass. So I would like to not only cancel my membership but also have my money refunded. I hope that you can understand my problem and I can get my membership canceled before the next cock cock cock cock cock cock cock billing cycle. And before you ask, yes tourettes can present itself in a written form.
All The bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole bloody asshole Best,
Dear Eric Van Garden,
Good day. We are writing you this letter because according to our internal tracking you are the last person in America watching NBC. It’s shocking I know but we spoke to the Nielson people and it seems that you are the last person that they can prove watches NBC. We here at the network are reaching out to you for a very simple reason. What the heck would you like to watch?
In the last ten years the ratings at NBC have dropped faster than my wife’s panties at our last Christmas party when she snuck off with that bastard Matt Lauer. Somehow we have went from having “Must See TV” to “The Channel Eric and Only Eric Watches.” Some people at the network think you must have died while watching The Voice sometime in November. So if you could write us back or call the switchboard at 30 Rock that would be huge. I would hate to tailor a network to some dead person rotting away on a couch, although that does seem to work well for CBS. How do you feel about procedurals? It’s worth a shot. The only other viewer we have had the last few months was a prison in Missouri that left us on. A local judge declared this cruel and unusual so we are down to you Eric.
Here’s the thing. We clearly have no idea what kind of television America wants to see so I suggested that we start with one man. We start with the one guy (as long as you haven’t been dead for the last few months) who has stuck with us. First thing we would like to do is offer you the chance to pick however many programs from our back catalog to show on what we are calling “Throwback Thursdays.” There is absolutely no way we could compete with what CBS is showing on Thursdays so we thought that maybe we just show the best stuff from our past. May I suggest a Cheers, Seinfeld, Fraiser, Newsradio, and ER night? Shit. How about 4 hours of Nightcourt. Wings? Look do what you want? We just want to make you happy.
Now what kind of shows do you want to see in development? Currently we have several different reality shows that you could pick from. There is the one where a group of students fight each other for the right to have their student loans paid off. Another involves F list celebrities trying to travel across America in hot air balloons with midgets that look just like them. My personal favorite is a show where people see who can put their arm the furthest into a wood chipper. It’s pretty exciting stuff. You pick the show and we will put it on the air.
Would you care if we filmed you doing stuff? Would you watch that? Think of the money you would save on mirrors. You want to know how you look? Turn on NBC and there you are. Do you think maybe some of your relatives would watch if we put you on TV? If we can just get one more person to watch we have doubled our viewership. You don’t even have to do interesting stuff. We just need programming. Do you have a second TV? Like in a spare room or something? If you could turn that to NBC that would be huge. Every little bit helps.
Look Eric. Whatever you want we are more than happy to do. You want us to just pirate CBS’s signal and show that? We’ll do it. You want us to show reruns of Strawberry Shortcake? We’ll do it. Short of showing “Triumph of the Will” and “Salo” on a 24 hour loop we are all yours. All Eric TV all the time. So first thing is first. Give us a call and let us know that you aren’t dead.
N B C Ya,
Head of NBC Programming
Thank you for submitting your podcast to iTunes. We appreciate that you have taken the time to conceive, record, and upload your podcast to iTunes. However we regret to inform you that we cannot accept your podcast at this time. Please do not resubmit your podcast as we will not accept it then either. We are not accepting any more podcasts for the foreseeable future.
We at Apple believe that we have more than enough podcasts and that it is in everyone’s best interest if we stop now. Although I am sure the world would be enriched with yet another show where someone records a conversation with their friends about music, movies, candy, tv, or model ship building we will not help or encourage you to do so. The world has enough podcasts. We have done the math and it would take a single listener 345 years of continuous listening just to hear all the podcasts just about Mad Men that have been hosted through iTunes in the last year.
Can I be frank with you Chad? What is it that people are hoping will happen with these shows? That someone is going to hear their podcast and dump a truck full of money at their doorstep? Do they think it’s a stepping stone? To what? Radio? Who the fuck listens to the radio? Chad, what is going on in the podcast community? Is there a community? I have listened to some of these shows. Seems like most of the people that host these things haven’t ever talked to another person in their lives. Also if you are going to make something that you want people to listen to, maybe spend a little money and time and make it sound alright? Most of the shows people submit sound like they are recorded in a miatia with the top down driving 65 miles an hour on a freeway to nowhere.
Don’t most people that host a show need to have some level of personality? Barring that, shouldn’t they at least be an expert in the thing they are talking about? I would love to believe in some egalitarian dream that anyone who wants to, should be able to broadcast. But we need to prevent this. The internet has given the entire world a voice and a way to share that voice with the rest of the world. But some things (and if we can be honest with each other, most things) just don’t need to be shared. You are so interesting and interested in something that you think the world has to know? Who cares? I don’t. Apple doesn’t. Keep some of it to yourself you pack of narcissists.
Shortly after we announce our plan to stop accepting new shows we are going to begin phasing out many of the podcasts currently listed on iTunes. We hope that before the end of 2013 we can get trim everything down to the BS Report and WTF with Marc Maron. We figure that’s probably enough nonsense for everyone. Look, if all the podcasts in the world disappeared tomorrow, would anyone other than the hosts really miss them? I doubt it. I really do Chad.
It wouldn’t cost us anything at all. We don’t make a nickel hosting these wastes of time. Who is making the money Chad? Who? Stamps Dot Com? Adam and Eve? Great. I am sure the world will miss those two titans of industry. Somehow I think we can get by without them. Please help us spread the word. Chad, I know we can do it. I believe we can do it. Help us get the world to stop casting.
– Apple Computers
Dear Office Mates,
If I haven’t met you before my names is Louis and I work in accounting on the 3rd floor. I have worked here for over 10 years and hope this letter finds you well. As you know one of the great perks of working at Amalgamated Industrial Design and Sprockets is that we get bagels on Mondays. However I feel that some of you have been abusing this perk. I don’t want to point fingers but I believe that someone continues to eat the everything bagel when I thought it was common knowledge that the everything bagel is for senior employees.
To be specific I get the everything bagel. The everything bagel is strictly for Louis ie; me. When we started ordering bagels five years ago we only got plain bagels. One day I suggested to Helen the office manger that maybe we could be provided with mixed selection of bagels. The first day they came in I was lucky enough to get the only everything bagel. The following Monday I got the everything bagel as well. This continued on for the next five years. I really can’t stress this enough to the new employees that eating the everything bagel is my thing. That is what makes me unique here. Without that bagel what kind of identity do I even have here?
You see when someone just disregards the culture of the office vis a vis bagel policies this whole house of cards is libel to come down. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT LOUIS GETS THE EVERYTHING BAGEL. What am I supposed to do? Eat the poppy seed bagel? I can’t and do you know why? Because Derrick gets the poppy seed bagel and I will not defy previously established bagel policies here in the office. I respect the culture and the bagel policy. I respect my coworkers and I respect their bagel choices.
But I feel this is only just one small portion of an overall problem relating to food in the office. Can someone explain to me why people are moving my Tupperware each day? I have been placing my lunch in the back corner of the third shelf in the red fridge each and every day for the last ten years. Recently someone has been moving my Tupperware into the back corner of the fourth shelf of the red fridge and I will not stand for it any longer. I have suggested to Helen the office manager that we should install a web cam in the break room so that I can keep an eye on who is moving my food. I will find you and you will be dealt with.
I also don’t appreciate the amount of personal messaging on people’s coffee mugs. I have children and though my ex wife won’t let me see them I do not appreciate the insinuation that Robert in HR is the “World’s Best Dad.” I cannot speak to Robert’s prowess as a father but I bet he is not even close to being the world’s best dad. He both a braggart and liar. I also take umbrage with Kenneth’s coffee mug stating that he doesn’t like Mondays. I don’t like to have someone’s political beliefs being thrown in my face every time I want to drink a cup of joe. I suggest people buy a plain white mug and then write their name in 12 point Times New Roman. Simple. Uniform.
I hope that this letter brings to light some of the challenges facing our office. I demand that I get my everything bagel. I demand that I get the back corner of the third shelf for my Tupperware. I demand that people stop forcing their political beliefs on the rest of the staff through their coffee mugs.
Thank you and good day.
This will not be tolerated
It is with a heavy heart that I must decline your most recent offer. As a recent graduate of Starfleet Academy though it is my dream to receive a commission on board a Starship I don’t believe this is the one for me. I cannot and will not be a member of the security team on the Starship Enterprise. I will not be donning a red shirt today, tomorrow, or any star date in the future. I value my life far too much.
As a boy I had always dreamt of the day when I could take to the stars. I worked hard in school learning the ins and outs of a life on the edge of tomorrow. My dream was to be captain of my own Starship. To boldly seek blah blah blah you know the rest. Sure I wasn’t the best student in high school and if it wasn’t for my uncle Dale I wouldn’t have gotten into Starfleet Academy. I know this. You know this. However being a poor student doesn’t mean that I have to be given a death sentence.
I knew fairly quickly that I wasn’t going to be a standout member of Starfleet. But I figured worse case I would spend a five years working off my student space loans manning a station near a wormhole. I don’t know, maybe get an assignment on one of those botany stations keeping an eye on cute blond space gardeners. What I was not prepared for was a letter informing me that I was going to be going to be sent to my death. The best case I can hope for is that when some Gorn is feasting on my flesh he finishes me quickly and doesn’t leave me to bleed in the desert under some foreign sun.
I have combed the logs for The Enterprise and to be frank the odds of someone wearing a red shirt making it down the surface and not coming back in a body bag is slim to none. Over 70% of all deaths on the Enterprise in it’s initial voyage under the reckless hedonist James Tiberius Kirk were members of the of the security team. A life of cannon fodder is not the life for me.
Sidebar. Can someone reprimand Kirk for continuing to place his away teams into situations that conclude with Lt. Commander Scott playing Amazing Grace on his bagpipes? Everyone dies. All of the time. How is it that Kirk and Spock are the only people that seem to make it back to the ship day after day? If Kirk was running a factory and 43 people died over the course of 3 years it would be shut down and he would be locked up. You folks have given him the keys to one of the finest ships in the fleet.
I hope you understand my reticence to accept this commission. I would love nothing more than to be a member of Starfleet. I would love nothing more than to take a five-year mission to discover new life and whatever else it is that people get up to in space. But I refuse to be a member of the Enterprise. I will not die due to the incompetence of one brash and reckless yahoo.
Please Don’t Beam Me Up,
Gregory Rasputin Hasleton
Hello Rich Guys,
Alan Horn here CEO of Disney. Well, well, well. You all laughed at me when I said we should buy Marvel Comics for 4 Billion Dollars. Everyone questioned me. Everyone said we overpaid. Guess what? Everyone can suck this mouseketeer’s nut sack. After getting the grosses on Iron Man 3 my first idea was to build a real 20 story Scrooge McDuck style vault and swim around in my comic book movie money. However instead I decided to pump the money back into our production schedule. We own thousands of characters and I will be dammed if we don’t exploit all of them.
We have to branch out. Next summer we are bringing the Guardians of the Galaxy to the screen. It will be Marvel’s version of Star Wars. But what else can we give the public? I believe it’s time we get serious. We are going to take Marvel to the independent world. We are going to win Sundance and get ourselves a goddamn Palm Dior. How you ask? How about with this lineup?
Giant Man and The Wasp – Sarah Polley directs and stars as Janet Van Dyne The Wasp. Daniel Day Lewis plays her husband Hank Pym Giant Man/Ant Man. Since we have another Ant Man picture in development he will only be Giant Man. A hard hitting domestic drama about the pain of making a super hero marriage work. This film will touch on domestic violence and super heroics. A story of super heroes that need to be saved from themselves. This could be our Oscar picture if we nail the tone. I really believe that the world is ready to see the painful world of super hero marriage.
Captain Marvel – Based on the 70’s graphic novel. The story of Captain Marvel being exposed to nerve gas and developing incurable cancer. Shane Caruth directs himself in this cosmic story of loss. We open on Captain Marvel being exposed to nerve gas. The final 2/3 of the film is done completely silent and without music. The only noise will be the heartbeat and breath of Captain Marvel as he slowly slips away. The story of a super hero and the one villain he can’t defeat. I understand the original graphic novel was a real hit so we should have a built in audience. We will introduce Captain Marvel in the post credit tag on Guardians of the Galaxy. We open on his galactic mailbox. He opens and sees results from the space hospital. The word Cancer is written across the paper. He crumples it up and falls to his knees. Smash cut to black and then smash cut to green for all the money we are going to make.
Dazzler – A period piece. Dazzler is a marvel mutant from the early 80’s who sings and dances. We will set the picture in the late 70’s early 80’s New York. Dazzler starts out as a waitress in Studio 54. She moved to New York with a bag full of leg warmers and a dream. This merry mutant rises to fame as New York is crumbling around her. Look for a David Bowie to show up as a spirit guide/slash third act villain. As Dazzler is rising the charts people around her are dying of a mysterious disease that no one recognizes. It looks like the flu and is taking people left and right. Can Dazzler top the charts? Can Dazzler stop AIDS? To be directed by John Cameron Mitchell who will also star as Dazzler. We are hoping to hit the sweet spot between Fame/Cruising/Flash Dance. It could be huge.
As you can see their is a whole world of characters and stories. Marvel doesn’t have to just be for children. If we can get traction in the world of adult cinema there will be no stopping us. We can get them as kids with the Avengers and then take them through their pretentious 20’s and 30’s as they attempt to grow up.
Make Mine Marvel,