Dear Bingers™ and Microsofters™,
How are all my Bingers? Are you Binging™ it up out there? Have you folks Binged™ the latest news on Yahoo purchasing Tumblr? We here at Microsoft were hoping to expand our reach on the internet as well. In the last year we have missed out on purchasing Instagram and Tumblr and are running out of properties to purchase. We know we have to be more aggressive in our acquisitions. So what is out there and how would it impact Microsoft? Let me break some things down for you.
We are looking at making a bid on Wikipedia. Internal analytics have revealed that the first thing people click after they Bing™ an item is Wikipedia. So the best way to capitalize is purchase them outright. Of course some changes would need to be made. First off we would rebrand the site as Encarta 2020. It’s a no brainer to leverage our past digital encyclopedia with the Internet’s number one destination for crowd-sourced information. Encarta is back baby. Gone will be the simple text pages that people have grown to know and love and in their place will be multimedia digital content. Three words. Full…Motion…Video. KaBoom™. We plan to remove the ability of the wiki community to edit articles. We plan on locking down access to the site to ensure that only people we approve will be able to edit the site.
Of course we are looking at LinkedIn. Corporate has loved this site since we got our first emails requesting us to join. Honestly we looked at the site and couldn’t think of one thing to change. These guys just get the Internet. If we were able to purchase LinkedIn we would want to double down on their current efforts. More emails, more Facebook posts, more requests, more of everything. Think of what we could do with everyone’s personal information? We are talking next level direct marketing. Why stop at emails? We could start calling people directly at home, on their cell phones, even at work. It would be awesome. Who wouldn’t want to get a call from us? I know right? This is pretty promising lead.
My mother’s recipe blog. Yes. We are looking into purchasing my mom’s personal site. She writes about meals that you can make in the microwave without too much fuss. Analytics show that she has a pretty constant engagement with the people that click on her site. This lady knows how to engage. Her SEO is out of control. External valuations put the site worth at $400 but I honestly think that mom’s site has the potential for serious growth. Who doesn’t like food cooked in the microwave? It’s super convenient and always tastes delicious. I told mom we could probably offer her $500-$600 million and Microsoft stock options that would vest at a later date. Of course I would get a finders fee but we can discuss that after the purchase.
I also heard from my mom about this site called Pinterest. Microsoft has always lacked a certain feminine charm and we hope that by purchasing Pinterest we can show a softer side of Microsoft. Softrosoft is a possible division name. Just spit balling here folks. I just clicked on the site and I don’t see what exactly the point of it is but hey they get views. When people think of needlepoint that says “Bless This Mess” we want them to think Microsoft.
This is the tech business if you aren’t growing you’re dying. We have missed out on so many opportunities to expand out brand. Sometime it works out for us. I thank the master control program himself everyday that we didn’t buy MySpace. Yikes. Now with Facebook on its way out we need to be looking out for what is next. IS it Pinterest, is it LinkedIn, maybe it’s my mom’s site. We have to look at all available options. In closing, please ABA.
Always Be Binging,
Head of Acquisitions