We have had some complaints recently about our drone program here at the C.I.A. and I need to address them with the staff. We appreciate the hard work and long days that you all spend defending America and our way of life. I know the life of a drone operator is tough and most of you are doing a bang up job out there taking out those that oppose the values and freedoms of this great country. To everyone doing their jobs please ignore this memo and keep up the good work. Those of you abusing the wonderful technology meant to help the rest of the world enjoy our freedoms will be dealt with swiftly and with extreme prejudice.
First of all Ken we know you are using a drone to spy on your ex wife. How you thought we wouldn’t notice is beyond me. Our best minds have built these drones to survey and execute those who work against freedom not to keep an eye on your ex wife and her new husband. Our records show that Ken has been tracking them on the weekends and routing the feed to his home computer. The idea of you sitting in a studio apartment in Fredericksburg watching your wife and her new husband take your kids to soccer games breaks my heart. However it’s against the law to use these things to just spy on people you don’t like. You can’t just do what you want with these things there are policies and procedures that must be followed. What kind of world would it be if anybody could just use this technology however they wanted?
Sarah we know that you have used a drone to spy on the filming of Thor 2. This is weird and sad on a couple of levels. What do you hope to gain from this? Are you really that concerned with what is going to happen in Thor 2? Did you really like the first Thor that much? We should really sit down and talk about the kind of media you consume. Also I believe that Thor was filming in England? Are you trying to cause some sort of international incident with our friends across the pond? And for what? So you can see what Natalie Portman is up to? Sarah, I am disappointed in you. Most of all I am disappointed that they are making another Thor movie.
Alan are you really using the drone to pick up drive thru Taco Bell? How does that even work? Part of me is incredibly impressed that you can get the drone to hover in the drive through and that you can get your taco’s back here in one piece? However some of our technicians have found trace amounts of sour cream in the drones. Sour cream is bad for the drones no two ways about it Alan. And if you are going to order Taco Bell would it kill you to get enough for the whole team? I think this is one of those “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” situations. You know how much I love a mexican pizza.
As you can see the above abuses of power are completely out of line. We can’t just use these tools of freedom however we want. You have to follow the rules and there has to be some sort of oversight. We built these drones to punish the kinds of people that don’t believe in our way of life not to get a six pack of Tacos Locos. And for the record Alan never order cool ranch, that’s gross. So please, don’t abuse what we have here. We are the C.I.A. and we are supposed to be professionals. If you want to fuck around all day and spy on your family and friends please head over to the IRS.
Keep it sneaky,
Edward G. Douglas
Assistant to the Director of Automated Intelligence