Dear Content Partners,

It’s just your good buddy Dan the man CEO from BuzzBeast dot Com checking in with all our esteemed content partners. We couldn’t light the internet on fire every day without you. We rely on your hard work and constant content to update our site. Our fans come to BuzzBeast every day for fresh content and you guys never disappoint. For years you have provided us with the videos, photos, articles, and memes that we need to go viral each and everyday. In return we have always provided you with the exposure you gain by being associated with the BuzzBeast Brand. Recently word has reached us that some of you have some complaints. I would like to address a few of them.

WE WILL NEVER PAY YOU. You think you deserve to make money based on creating things? You think that someone who makes a thing should be paid? What the fuck did you do? We made a website. We book banner ads and manage SEO. How do you think people find your dumb little videos. The only reason any of this works is because we understand Search Engine Optimization. We do the things that make the internet work. You dopes make cat videos and write articles about reality shows.  You are all replaceable. We draw the eyes and get the dollars. I don’t know when you retards got the idea that just because you create content that you deserve money.

Our job is to get you the BuzzBeast exposure and then thanks to the content deals we signed you to, allow you to get a higher profile job. It’s in our best interest to get you a higher profile gig thanks to the contract you all signed when you worked for BuzzBeast. As you know we are entitled to 75% of all your future earnings. We gave you that break and we deserve to keep a piece of your future earnings. Without us you wouldn’t have a future. You would be stuck tweeting or tumbling or the whatever the fuck else is going on out there. Good fucking luck. You should write me an email each and every single day thanking me for plucking you from obscurity. I MADE YOU.

Now that money is out of the way. Can we talk about your content? Would it kill you guys to make things that could be more viral? When you finish a video, a post, a meme, ask yourself IS THIS VIRAL? We need it to go viral. You want to know what viral is? The three P’s. They are:

Pets – Is there a cat kissing a bulldog? Is there a bird saying Obama? Pets in costumes? Come on people this shit writes itself.

Pop Culture – Teen Moms. Justin Timberbieber or whatever. BEYONCE for fucks sake.

Pussy – Sex always sells. And it’s your job to give us the sex to sell.

Spend all the time you want crafting your perfect little bit of comedy. IT DOES NOT MATTER. If you didn’t have one of the three P’s in it I can’t sell it. If I can’t sell it then I can’t make money. If I can’t make money I can’t get you the exposure you want. All you have to do is follow the three P’s and we all win. I make money and you get your name out there. Which brings me to my next point.

We are taking away all personal mastheads on articles. We want every piece on BuzzBeast to be attributed to me. It’s good for our brand and ultimately it will be good for you. You know that you wrote something for BuzzBeast, isn’t that good enough? Why do we have to plaster your name all over the article. Don’t you want to help our brand which in turn helps you? People will figure out that the stuff you posted, I promise someone will figure that out. We need team players. Remember when no one wanted your stuff? Who came to you? Dan The Man did. So trust me and let me build the best BuzzBeast I can. A strong brand is good for us. You are lucky we post anything of yours at all.

Shape up and stop your winning or the next message you get from me will be a TOP TEN PLACES TO GO FUCK YOURSELF.

 

Mark Colomb

Pets Get Hits