Dear Eric Van Garden,
Good day. We are writing you this letter because according to our internal tracking you are the last person in America watching NBC. It’s shocking I know but we spoke to the Nielson people and it seems that you are the last person that they can prove watches NBC. We here at the network are reaching out to you for a very simple reason. What the heck would you like to watch?
In the last ten years the ratings at NBC have dropped faster than my wife’s panties at our last Christmas party when she snuck off with that bastard Matt Lauer. Somehow we have went from having “Must See TV” to “The Channel Eric and Only Eric Watches.” Some people at the network think you must have died while watching The Voice sometime in November. So if you could write us back or call the switchboard at 30 Rock that would be huge. I would hate to tailor a network to some dead person rotting away on a couch, although that does seem to work well for CBS. How do you feel about procedurals? It’s worth a shot. The only other viewer we have had the last few months was a prison in Missouri that left us on. A local judge declared this cruel and unusual so we are down to you Eric.
Here’s the thing. We clearly have no idea what kind of television America wants to see so I suggested that we start with one man. We start with the one guy (as long as you haven’t been dead for the last few months) who has stuck with us. First thing we would like to do is offer you the chance to pick however many programs from our back catalog to show on what we are calling “Throwback Thursdays.” There is absolutely no way we could compete with what CBS is showing on Thursdays so we thought that maybe we just show the best stuff from our past. May I suggest a Cheers, Seinfeld, Fraiser, Newsradio, and ER night? Shit. How about 4 hours of Nightcourt. Wings? Look do what you want? We just want to make you happy.
Now what kind of shows do you want to see in development? Currently we have several different reality shows that you could pick from. There is the one where a group of students fight each other for the right to have their student loans paid off. Another involves F list celebrities trying to travel across America in hot air balloons with midgets that look just like them. My personal favorite is a show where people see who can put their arm the furthest into a wood chipper. It’s pretty exciting stuff. You pick the show and we will put it on the air.
Would you care if we filmed you doing stuff? Would you watch that? Think of the money you would save on mirrors. You want to know how you look? Turn on NBC and there you are. Do you think maybe some of your relatives would watch if we put you on TV? If we can just get one more person to watch we have doubled our viewership. You don’t even have to do interesting stuff. We just need programming. Do you have a second TV? Like in a spare room or something? If you could turn that to NBC that would be huge. Every little bit helps.
Look Eric. Whatever you want we are more than happy to do. You want us to just pirate CBS’s signal and show that? We’ll do it. You want us to show reruns of Strawberry Shortcake? We’ll do it. Short of showing “Triumph of the Will” and “Salo” on a 24 hour loop we are all yours. All Eric TV all the time. So first thing is first. Give us a call and let us know that you aren’t dead.
N B C Ya,
Head of NBC Programming