Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Date: May 8, 2013

A Letter From Apple re: No More Podcast, Please.

Dear Chad,

Thank you for submitting your podcast to iTunes. We appreciate that you have taken the time to conceive, record, and upload your podcast to iTunes. However we regret to inform you that we cannot accept your podcast at this time. Please do not resubmit your podcast as we will not accept it then either. We are not accepting any more podcasts for the foreseeable future.

We at Apple believe that we have more than enough podcasts and that it is in everyone’s best interest if we stop now. Although I am sure the world would be enriched with yet another show where someone records a conversation with their friends about music, movies, candy, tv, or model ship building we will not help or encourage you to do so. The world has enough podcasts. We have done the math and it would take a single listener 345 years of continuous listening just to hear all the podcasts just about Mad Men that have been hosted through iTunes in the last year.

Can I be frank with you Chad? What is it that people are hoping will happen with these shows? That someone is going to hear their podcast and dump a truck full of money at their doorstep? Do they think it’s a stepping stone? To what? Radio? Who the fuck listens to the radio? Chad, what is going on in the podcast community? Is there a community? I have listened to some of these shows. Seems like most of the people that host these things haven’t ever talked to another person in their lives. Also if you are going to make something that you want people to listen to, maybe spend a little money and time and make it sound alright? Most of the shows people submit sound like they are recorded in a miatia with the top down driving 65 miles an hour on a freeway to nowhere.

Don’t most people that host a show need to have some level of personality? Barring that, shouldn’t they at least be an expert in the thing they are talking about? I would love to believe in some egalitarian dream that anyone who wants to, should be able to broadcast. But we need to prevent this. The internet has given the entire world a voice and a way to share that voice with the rest of the world. But some things (and if we can be honest with each other, most things) just don’t need to be shared. You are so interesting and interested in something that you think the world has to know? Who cares? I don’t. Apple doesn’t. Keep some of it to yourself you pack of narcissists.

Shortly after we announce our plan to stop accepting new shows we are going to begin phasing out many of the podcasts currently listed on iTunes. We hope that before the end of 2013 we can get trim everything down to the BS Report and WTF with Marc Maron. We figure that’s probably enough nonsense for everyone. Look, if all the podcasts in the world disappeared tomorrow, would anyone other than the hosts really miss them? I doubt it. I really do Chad.

It wouldn’t cost us anything at all. We don’t make a nickel hosting these wastes of time. Who is making the money Chad? Who? Stamps Dot Com? Adam and Eve? Great. I am sure the world will miss those two titans of industry. Somehow I think we can get by without them. Please help us spread the word. Chad, I know we can do it. I believe we can do it. Help us get the world to stop casting.

– Apple Computers

Stop Podcasting

Stop Podcasting

 

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A Letter To The Office re: Bagel and Coffee Mug Policies

Dear Office Mates,

If I haven’t met you before my names is Louis and I work in accounting on the 3rd floor. I have worked here for over 10 years and hope this letter finds you well. As you know one of the great perks of working at Amalgamated Industrial Design and Sprockets is that we get bagels on Mondays. However I feel that some of you have been abusing this perk. I don’t want to point fingers but I believe that someone continues to eat the everything bagel when I thought it was common knowledge that the everything bagel is for senior employees.

To be specific I get the everything bagel. The everything bagel is strictly for Louis ie; me. When we started ordering bagels five years ago we only got plain bagels. One day I suggested to Helen the office manger that maybe we could be provided with mixed selection of bagels. The first day they came in I was lucky enough to get the only everything bagel. The following Monday I got the everything bagel as well. This continued on for the next five years. I really can’t stress this enough to the new employees that eating the everything bagel is my thing. That is what makes me unique here. Without that bagel what kind of identity do I even have here?

You see when someone just disregards the culture of the office vis a vis bagel policies this whole house of cards is libel to come down. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT LOUIS GETS THE EVERYTHING BAGEL. What am I supposed to do? Eat the poppy seed bagel? I can’t and do you know why? Because Derrick gets the poppy seed bagel and I will not defy previously established bagel policies here in the office. I respect the culture and the bagel policy. I respect my coworkers and I respect their bagel choices.

But I feel this is only just one small portion of an overall problem relating to food in the office. Can someone explain to me why people are moving my Tupperware each day? I have been placing my lunch in the back corner of the third shelf in the red fridge each and every day for the last ten years. Recently someone has been moving my Tupperware into the back corner of the fourth shelf of the red fridge and I will not stand for it any longer. I have suggested to Helen the office manager that we should install a web cam in the break room so that I can keep an eye on who is moving my food. I will find you and you will be dealt with.

I also don’t appreciate the amount of personal messaging on people’s coffee mugs. I have children and though my ex wife won’t let me see them I do not appreciate the insinuation that Robert in HR is the “World’s Best Dad.” I cannot speak to Robert’s prowess as a father but I bet he is not even close to being the world’s best dad. He both a braggart and liar. I also take umbrage with Kenneth’s coffee mug stating that he doesn’t like Mondays. I don’t like to have someone’s political beliefs being thrown in my face every time I want to drink a cup of joe. I suggest people buy a plain white mug and then write their name in 12 point Times New Roman. Simple. Uniform.

I hope that this letter brings to light some of the challenges facing our office. I demand that I get my everything bagel. I demand that I get the back corner of the third shelf for my Tupperware. I demand that people stop forcing their political beliefs on the rest of the staff through their coffee mugs.

Thank you and good day.

Louis Roberts

This will not be tolerated

This will not be tolerated

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