Dear Starfleet,

It is with a heavy heart that I must decline your most recent offer. As a recent graduate of Starfleet Academy though it is my dream to receive a commission on board a Starship I don’t believe this is the one for me. I cannot and will not be a member of the security team on the Starship Enterprise. I will not be donning a red shirt today, tomorrow, or any star date in the future. I value my life far too much.

As a boy I had always dreamt of the day when I could take to the stars. I worked hard in school learning the ins and outs of a life on the edge of tomorrow. My dream was to be captain of my own Starship. To boldly seek blah blah blah you know the rest. Sure I wasn’t the best student in high school and if it wasn’t for my uncle Dale I wouldn’t have gotten into Starfleet Academy. I know this. You know this. However being a poor student doesn’t mean that I have to be given a death sentence.

I knew fairly quickly that I wasn’t going to be a standout member of Starfleet. But I figured worse case I would spend a five years working off my student space loans manning a station near a wormhole. I don’t know, maybe get an assignment on one of those botany stations keeping an eye on cute blond space gardeners. What I was not prepared for was a letter informing me that I was going to be going to be sent to my death. The best case I can hope for is that when some Gorn is feasting on my flesh he finishes me quickly and doesn’t leave me to bleed in the desert under some foreign sun.

I have combed the logs for The Enterprise and to be frank the odds of someone wearing a red shirt making it down the surface and not coming back in a body bag is slim to none. Over 70% of all deaths on the Enterprise in it’s initial voyage under the reckless hedonist James Tiberius Kirk were members of the of the security team. A life of cannon fodder is not the life for me.

Sidebar. Can someone reprimand Kirk for continuing to place his away teams into situations that conclude with Lt. Commander Scott playing Amazing Grace on his bagpipes? Everyone dies. All of the time. How is it that Kirk and Spock are the only people that seem to make it back to the ship day after day? If Kirk was running a factory and 43 people died over the course of 3 years it would be shut down and he would be locked up. You folks have given him the keys to one of the finest ships in the fleet.

I hope you understand my reticence to accept this commission. I would love nothing more than to be a member of Starfleet. I would love nothing more than to take a five-year mission to discover new life and whatever else it is that people get up to in space. But I refuse to be a member of the Enterprise. I will not die due to the incompetence of one brash and reckless yahoo.


Please Don’t Beam Me Up,

Gregory Rasputin Hasleton

mark colomb