Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Date: May 2, 2013

A Letter About Harold My Canary That Died

Dear PetCo,

My name is Aaron Aaronson. I was always first in line for P.E. in school. I bought a bird from you two years ago. I named him Harold after my ferret named Harold. It just seemed easier. I am writing you to let you know that Harold recently died. I do not expect a refund or a new canary. To be honest I am writing you because I don’t know who else to write to in these trying times. You see Harold was a canary and he died. I don’t know much but I know that something must be wrong.

My uncle who checks in on me once a week said that I shouldn’t be that upset. He said that birds die all the time. I am sad that Harold died. I am more concerned that I have a dead canary on my hands. I told my uncle about how I saw a show on public television about how miners used canaries to check to see if a mine was safe. When the bird died they knew they were in trouble. Well my Harold is dead. Harold was a canary and he is dead and now I am sure I am in trouble. What do you think killed him? I told my uncle about some of my theories.

My first thought is that there is a gas leak in the house. Since my parents died I am all alone. Sometimes things break in the house and I don’t know what to do. Once the upstairs bath wouldn’t stop running and water went all over the house. It went down the stairs and it went down the hall and it went out into the yard and it went out the front door. My uncle came over and we cleaned it all up. Since then the house smells bad sometimes and I get headaches when it gets too hot outside. My uncle says that there is nothing we can do about it. I wish my parents were still here to help me sometimes.

I checked the gas and it seems fine. So what else could have killed Harold? I thought maybe it was his bird food. Maybe it was too old. My uncle always tells me check how old my food is. I left a sandwich in the refrigerator once for a month. I wanted to save it because it was so good I didn’t want to eat it all at once. So I waited a month to eat the rest. It tasted different and then I got a tummy ache. My uncle told me about how sometimes food can go bad. So I thought maybe Harold’s food was bad. But he just eats bird seeds and it tasted alright when I tried it. I didn’t get a tummy ache.

After the food I thought maybe it could have been because he was cold. The winter before I got Harold my gas got shut off because I forgot to pay the bill. I didn’t notice for at first because it was January and it gets real cold then. I just figured it was getting colder and colder because it was winter. When my uncle came to visit he told me the heat must be off. I was wearing two jackets and three sweatshirts. I looked pretty silly. He called the heat people and got it turned back on. But I don’t think Harold was cold because it’s July and it’s not that cold out. So that couldn’t be it.

I just don’t know what happened to Harold. I get worried sometimes when things go bad. Sometimes my uncle says I shouldn’t live by myself. He says I can’t take care of myself. He said I couldn’t take good care of Harold the bird. Harold the ferret is alright. He lives in the basement. I like to live in my house. I get lonely sometimes since my parents died. I like living in the room I grew up in. I don’t want to move away. I hope my uncle doesn’t make me move away.

Do you have more birds that I could look at? I think I need a new Harold the bird. Maybe this time I will get a parakeet. If they die I don’t think it means anything bad. I like to walk around PetCo when I get sad sometimes. I get sad sometimes since my parents died. My name is Aaron Aaronson. I was always first in line in P.E.



I Can’t Recap Another Episode of Rules of Engagement

Dear Overlords at TV Town.Com,

Jennifer Longfellow here. It is with a heavy heart that I have to resign from my post as a television show recapper. I realize when I came to you three years ago I thought I was going to work here forever. I am unable to express the joy I felt when you asked me to write for your site after seeing my posts in the forum of Television Without Pity. Over the years that joy has dwindled and now I find myself ready for a change. Sadly I must move on. There are a number of reasons for my decision and I feel it only fair to share them with you. Be forewarned some of my reasons could be a little shocking.

First of all. Why the fuck do we recap television? Is it for blind people? Because if it’s for blind people than I guess that makes sense. Wait, no it doesn’t. Because I certainly didn’t write it in braille? Does someone know if there are people that read blind people things on the internet? Maybe there is some kind of software. But seriously. Who reads tv recaps? Are there people out there without the time to watch How I Met Your Mother that are interested in reading a thousand word description of what Doogie and Willow got up to? You get the analytics, right? You must know. Are we just writing SEO bait? I cannot stay up late to watch another episode of Tosh.0 and then muster the energy to recount the HILARIOUS videos that Tosh watches each week. There has to be a better way to spend my 30’s.

I left college with the dream of being a crime reporter at a major metropolitan newspaper. I knew that I would have to take some lumps along the way. I was ready to cover flower shows and rewrite birth announcements for as long as I needed to. Little did I know the majority of my output after graduating from Northwestern with a Masters in Journalism was going to be recaps of last night’s Survivor. No one cares.

Why are we wasting our time? I am $75,000 in debt thanks to grad school. I don’t think I am going to be able to write my way out of this one. I could spend the rest of my life writing “2 Broke Girls” live blogs for you and never get one cent closer to being out of debt. Maybe I should write a book? Do people even read books anymore? Or do they only read the blurb on amazon? How am I supposed to pay down my debt?

I guess I could if you guys PAID. How exactly do you justify never paying anyone? Is it just that you don’t make any money? Because I could understand that. Based on the antiquated design and overall abhorrent look of your site, I can’t believe anyone would read it. But from what Karen in accounting told me you dumb dumbs get ad revenue. Who exactly is making money off this site? The contributors that people are coming here for certainly aren’t.

If I dug a ditch for someone they would pay me. If I drew someone a picture of a ditch, I wouldn’t. If I washed dishes or delivered a pizza, I would get paid. But if I write a piece on the season finale of “Big Bang Theory” I should just be glad I am getting “exposure.” I am tired of being exposed. I would love to get paid, just once. Is there anyway you could expose me to some money at some point? Do you realize that if no one ever pays anyone, at some point there won’t be anyone left to create things? Eh, who am I fooling?

Doesn’t it bother anyone that all we do anymore is just comment on things other people make? No one bothers to make anything new anymore. No once creates. The few that do even attempt to are just combining things that already exists and don’t even bother to have the decency to pretend they aren’t. We spend out days tossing pithy comments from the sidelines of life. I just can’t do it anymore. I am taking my leave and will go and be an ice road trucker. A life in the north away from the internet and from message boards will be the best thing for me.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if I leave or not. You will find some other naive sap, fresh out of J-School. You will convince them that writing about “Duck Dynasty” is the first step on their path to a long and prosperous career as a cultural critic of note. So I hope you can find someone else to conduct a week long semiotics based discussion on last week’s Mad Men because it won’t be Jennifer Longfellow.

 Get Fucked,

Jennifer “BuffyFanBrownCoat43” Longfellow

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