Dear ESPN,

My name is Randy Marigold and I believe that I am a just the kind of personality your are looking for. I have been watching your network rather extensively since you started covering my main man Timothy Tebow. He is truly a Godsend to us all. In the last few months I have been watching nothing but your network from the minute I get up to the second I get so stoned I pass out. I have to say without a shadow of a doubt that I would be a great fit for Sportscenter, Around the Horn, Outside the Lines, World Series Poker, any and all XGames,  and of course the greatest show on television First Take.

First off I don’t even like sports. That seems to be the number one thing all your personalities have in common. I can imagine how hard it is to cover a sport when you find it interesting or exciting. So believe me when I say I couldn’t care less about some dumb fucking game. I just want to be on television. Pure and simple. And I want to be on it a lot so I figure that ESPN is the best way to accomplish that. I could start the morning out on Mike and Mike, head over to First Take, stop by The Herd, get on Sportscenter, then Outside the Lines, Around The Horn, Sportscenter again, E60, and work all the evening shows. Where else could I even dream of getting that much screen time without any appreciable talent? Most networks limit the talent to one show a day. On ESPN I could do TV, Radio, and then podcasts. I can be everywhere.

I take direction really well. If you tell me that I hate Tim Tebow because that is better for the network, I’ll hate him. If you tell me that I can only talk about Manti Te’o from sun up to sun down, I’ll do it. I understand that being a personality on your network isn’t about having my own opinions it’s more about having the opinions you want me to have when I need to have them. I dream of being like Skip Bayless and contradicting myself day to day because WHO GIVES A SHIT? It doesn’t matter what I said last year, last month, last week, or even in the last segment. It only matters that I generate controversy. I can go on First Take and shit all over LeBron James, then if you need me to go on The Herd to yell and scream at Colin about how much I love LeBron I can do that. No one is paying any attention to the stuff you guys say. It only matters if you are yelling at each other and that you fill time.

I was worried initially that my rather extreme political views would not be a good fit for your network. However recently I noticed that most of your personalities don’t give two fucks. You have racists, homophobes, and chumps and those are just the people on first take. So I figure that my beliefs in the the illuminati, lizard people, Tri-Laterals, the importance of the gold standard, that 9/11 was an inside job involving Jay-Z, that Obama is really Patrick Ewing in disguise, and that Asian women have sideways vaginas won’t be that big of a deal. I can’t promise that some of this stuff won’t end up in my commentary. In fact I bet most of it will. But shit, you guys don’t care. I could go on a rant about the lizard men running our National Parks Department and that wouldn’t seem half as crazy as most of the shit the people on Around the Horn say every day. Crazy is relative and next to Woody Paige anyone sounds can sound normal.

I think you can tell I would be a great fit for your network. I am excited about the perks package. As a member of the ABC/Disney family am I entitled to go on a date with Selena Gomez? Do I get free fast passes at Disneyland? Can I get hooked up with Home Improvement on  Blu-ray? I can’t wait to come to work. I am stoked to live in beautiful Bristol. Do you know if Chris Berman has a roomate?

Signing Off,

Randy Marigold