Dear Human Resources,
My names is Phillip Latroid and I am employee number 14568722145728474922. I am in the analytics department of our overseas banking department on the northwest corner of the southeast building in our Westown campus. I have been an employee here for the 10 years and rarely have voiced a complaint. However it is with a heavy heart that I must resign from the company immediately. Though I enjoy our work and appreciate the anonymity provided by my job I feel it is time for me to move on. On my way out the door I wanted to share some thoughts about our current working conditions.
My desk mate Davis smells like the litter box of a cat suffering from some sort of intestinal parasite. It really cannot be overstated. Yes, some of the smell is obviously Davis’ own shit but he smells like kitty litter. Davis also seems to subsist on a diet of prune juice and slim jims. I would maybe have someone from our health and wellness team speak to him. Over the course of the last ten years I have spent day after day smelling him rot from the inside out. No one ever says anything because Davis is blind in one eye and most people think he has it hard enough. I don’t believe that one’s vision should excuse them from maintaining proper hygiene.
Over the course of the last 10 years I have seen our lunch break go from a very generous 90 minutes to one hour to half an hour to nothing. Although I have never seen it written as an official policy it seems like anyone taking 30 minutes to step away from their desk is considered a malcontent and not a “Top Ten Percent Team Member” or whatever the current needless buzzword you have created to instill some sort of fake esprit de corps. I base this only on the wikipedia searching I do to kill time (as wikipedia is the only website you haven’t blocked us from using) but it seems that even murders serving life sentences get a lunch break. So I have to thank whoever came up with this unspoken working lunch policy for allowing us to have it worse than criminals.
Speaking to the previous mention of “Top Ten Percent Team Member” every year our bonus keeps decreasing. Could this possibly be related to the amount of money you are spending to bring in consultants to create needless corporate phrases like “Top Ten Percent Team Member” or last year’s “Reach For The Rings” program that amounted to a power point lecture and a banner in the break room? How much did you spend to have someone create our “Ten Points of Light?” I couldn’t help but notice that in that list of vague company ideals you never mentioned making sure our pay kept up with the cost of living. You know what really makes people feel like part of the team? Paying them enough to cover rent each month. Maybe save some of the money you spent on dynamic lectures and team building exercises and just make sure our wage keeps up with inflation. If I have to hear one more lecture from some asshole that listened to a Malcom Gladwell audio book I will, uh, fuck, who cares?
I have also seen my sick days and vacation rolled into a nebulous thing called PTO. When I started I had two weeks off and 5 sick days a year. Now I have two weeks of PTO. I know it can seem like staying home and vomiting all over myself is a vacation from this place. But I don’t agree that they are the same thing. I shouldn’t have to pick between diarrhea and a trip to Denver to see my in laws at Christmas. Though shitting myself does sometimes seem preferable to eating my mother in laws green bean casserole. Would it kill you to give us three weeks off? Maybe some sick days? To balance out the scales as it were I have spent the last year doing nothing but playing angry birds in the shitter.
During my time here my pay has effectively stayed the same, my vacation time has gone down, I have lost my lunch break, and we stopped receiving a bonus. In that same time our profits have gone up, our CEO has purchased a minor league hockey team, and my office mate Davis has put on 125 pounds of jerky weight. So it is with a sense of relief and absolutely no regret that I leave this place and hope that someday you realize the kind of company you are running. I am sure this letter is being read by one of our HR specialists in India. I am so glad you moved our jobs over seas so you could save even more money. Hello my Indian friend are you well? I hope you can understand the kind of company you are working for.
What’s The Point,