Dear Wendy’s Corporation,

It’s Wendy here. Remember me? The charming red headed inspiration for your entire corporate brand? I was watching the best of “To Catch a Predator” the other day live because my idiot husband erased a bunch off my DVR and I couldn’t help but notice I HAVE BEEN FUCKING REPLACED. You didn’t think Wendy would notice a new slimmed down ginger BITCH in your ads? What do you think I am as dumb as my dead idiot father, Dave? You may have pulled that kind of shit with him but you better believe that WENDY DONT FUCK AROUND.

Whose idea was it to take me off the commercials? I know there was complaints about my size in previous commercials. I saw the letters. But who better to market this calorie laden crap then someone who looks just like them? Let them stare into the mirror. I am them and they are me. You taking me out of the commercials and putting in some Anna Kendrick wannabe isn’t fooling anyone. What is more American than the wealthy daughter of a fast food magnet offering up frozen treats and square hamburgers? NOTHING. Me being the face of this company as I age is the best thing we could do. Our advertising should be like the British UP films. Watch Wendy age gracefully as she subsists on a diet of french fries dipped in frosties.

Shit. We should have made a documentary about me after that idiot Morgan Spurlock tried to blow the lid off our industry. He only ate McDonald’s every day for a month, I have eaten Wendys every single day of my life, four times a day just like my dear old day. AND I FEEL GREAT! The lies that balding monster Spurlock tried to tell America about our industry are ridiculous. How did we respond? We didn’t. Now is your chance. Let’s follow Wendy around for a month as I eat my way across this great country. Going from a Wendy’s in Maine all the way to San Diego. I can stop off in each of the fifty states. Show the America how delicious our company is. Wendy Eats America. That shit write itself. I’ll be like a sexy Adam Richman.

You know one of Dad’s final wishes was that I stay the face of the company. Who are you monsters to deny it? This is just like how you denied his dying wish that his ashes be mixed into a frosty machine and then given to little kids. He said it was the only way to ensure that he lived on. Well,  just because the CEO said we couldn’t do that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I snuck into the Wendy’s Flagship store in Columbus, Ohio and made damn sure that a little piece of dad made it out into the world. I spread his ashes in the frosty machine, in the catsup, on the grill. Guess what the prize in the kid meal was that week? DAVE THOMAS. YOU CANNOT STOP ME.

If you creeps don’t get me back on TV I will take this whole empire down. You saw the uproar over Ikea and Burger King putting weird stuff in their burgers? How do you think the public is going to react when I tell the world that we only use DOLPHIN meat? Our burgers, dolphin. Our chicken, dolphin. Why even our vaunted frosty? CHOCK FULL OF DOLPHIN. I know it and so do you. If you want America to find out keep fucking with Wendy. Find out what happens. You know what happened when Dad started accusing me of being too demanding? Well, lets just say, no I better not put it in writing. The police are getting a little too close.  I hope to hear from you soon.


Melinda Lou “Wendy” Morse