Dear Discover Credit Card Company,

Hello. My name is Joseph Mazzello. You may now me best from my role as Mouse in GI Joe: Retaliation and in a brief (blink and you’ll miss me) part in David Fincher’s The Social Network. Oh. Right. I was also in a little film called Jurassic Fucking Park. I am writing you to dispute some charges on my Discover Card statement this month. I am getting tired of your collections department hounding me for charges that aren’t mine.

First of all I did not charge $789 for acting lessons. Did you see Jurassic Fucking Park? Who made you believe dinosaurs were real? That fat prick Wayne Knight? That English phony Dick Attenborough? Yeah, right. Me baby. I screamed and I cried and made Stan Winston’s rubber monstrosities real. So why would I take “acting classes?” Did it seem like I didn’t know what I was doing? I made that movie. People came for the phony ass lizards and stayed for the ginger headed star, me. Joey Mazz.

Shit someone should be paying me $789 to teach acting classes instead of some greasy nobody in the valley that stole my time and my money. Uh, I mean, stole my credit card information. I didn’t take acting classes in order to network and learn how to improve my on camera audition skills.

I certainly didn’t charge $2500 for glamour head shots. Do you think a star of my stature needs head shots? When I want a role I have my buddy (maybe you’ve heard of him) Steven Spielberg call up and get me that role. If he’s busy I just send one of my Jurrasic Park trading cards in with the number of the pay phone in the parking lot of the 7/11 near one of my mansions. I don’t like having them call my cell phone it’s an unlisted number. Don’t bother trying to find it.

Also, I take issue with a charge for $456 to the Sunset Strip Men’s Hotel and Car Wash. It’s listed as monthly rent. That’s impossible. I live in a mansion in Beverly Hills and another one in Malibu. There is no way I live in a men’s hotel in the seedy part of Hollyweird. I was in one of the biggest movies of all time why would I charge my rent to a Discover card? You’re not even a good card. I roll with my Amex Black Card. Joe Mazz balls out of control.

Also the $25 charge for a “lost” hot plate at the previously mentioned men’s hotel. Why would I lose a hot plate? Maybe it was stolen by David Faustino when someone got in a fight with him over an unpaid gambling debt. Maybe. Who’s to say? I certainly don’t know because I live in two different mansions. I was in a movie with Jeff goddamn Goldblum. Plus, I would fuck that little bitch Faustino up. Joey Mazz pays his gambling debts either with money or in blood. Believe that.

You people need to stop calling me and sending letters to my mom’s house. She wasn’t in Jurrasic Fucking Park. I was. She doesn’t have any money. And even if she did she isn’t going to give it to you people. She won’t even give it to me. Not that I’ve ever asked. Why would I? I’m a star. I was in Jurrasic Park. We changed the game! Did you know Sam Jackson’s famous line “Hold on to your Butts” was originally based on something I said? Whenever the AD knocked on my dressing room I would always yell “Hold onto yo Dick”. Every time. It was hilarious. Next thing I know that hack Koepp is stealing my catchphrase.

I was in one the biggest films of all time that was recently re-released in 3D. Have you seen it? They won’t let me in the arclight theater. Telling me I not allowed in after someone accuse me of stealing popcorn and Dots. Believe that I fucked up their Coke freestyle machine. They were all out of Mello Yellow. What a joke. You’re a joke Discover Card. You will never get my money.

Hold On To My Dick,

Joseph Mazzello – ACTOR