Dear CNN employees,
Jeff Zucker here. It’s been a whirlwind since I started working at CNN. I was brought here to make the news more entertaining and hopefully bring that Must See TV magic over here from NBC. Within a few days here I realized that you dopes were falling behind because CNN was always waiting for things to happen. The traditional news cycle of reporting on events that have already happened is no good in the world of twitter, tumblr, and vine. As of this week we are out of the business of reporting the news. We are in the business of creating the news. I am working on a full schedule for this year so lets get cracking.
Our first pilot this year is off to a great start. Obviously the bombing in Boston is a tragedy. But how can we get any ratings if we are just showing the same footage and reporting the same things everyone else is? We had to find the next story. So I told our team of writers to get me the next twist. They come back to me with a great idea of creating a brown skinned suspect that the Boston Police Department are arresting live on our air. I mean could you imagine? Then we reported he would be taking directly to the courts skipping all traditional police procedures. It was like a real live episode of Law and Order. Only instead of ripping it from the headlines we were making the headlines as we went. I looked into getting Jerry Orbach involved but it turns out he died awhile ago. Bummer.
Now some folks seem to be upset about the fact that none of this was true. But guess what? They watched. They tweeted. We had the world looking at us. Who cares if we made it all up? We are in the entertainment business and as my buddy Brad Pitt once said, “Business is a Booming.” We give the world the stories and then because modern journalists are lazy and scared of being scooped they will report whatever we say as fact. By the time someone chases down the facts we have already got the ratings we needed and are on our way to getting paid.
Now Boston was just the first step in my plan for this season of CNN. I think we are going to have a huge summer. If they ever do catch the creeps who set the bomb we can create a whole narrative around the trial. We need to get someone on the inside making sure that we control the verdict. I have the art department doing some mockups on logos. It going to be huge. But it’s just the beginning of what we can create.
Get ready because CNN is getting into the Summer Blockbuster business. We are going to be bigger than Star Trek and Superman combined. This summer CNN is creating a war with North Korea. How awesome is that going to be? I had our writers working overtime to start laying the groundwork on this one but the events in Boston have pushed our plans back. I think in a month or so we report on a potential missile launch or maybe tell everyone China is going to back the dork in the North. If we stoke the fires we can probably get this war going by July. I have Michael Bay consulting with our camera crews and CG department to ensure that Korean War 2 will make the last ten years of war look like a goddamn Duplass Brother’s flick.
But you can’t just program action movies all day. That’s why this fall for the ladies we are going to unveil a love story for the ages. Just after Labor Day CNN will report that Jennifer Lawrence is dating Robert Pattinson. We will have them meet at Diddy’s party in Martha’s Vineyard. Then we report them dating all through the fall. Report that there are wedding plans for Valentine’s Day and that takes us right to the Oscar’s next year. It will be perfect. And the best part? None of it has to be true. It just needs to be on TV.
So there you have just a glimpse at a few of the wonderful and exciting ideas I have for the future on CNN. In the future I would love to share our plans to provide Wolf Blitzer with a monkey sidekick named Peter. Look for Peter and The Wolf shirts/posters/coffee mugs it’s going to be big. I think from there we can look into doing a full half hour scripted show with the two of them fighting crime while they report it. Guys I couldn’t be more excited. We live in a world where we not only report the news we get to make it.
Reporting for CNN,