Dear Karen,

Karen, love of my life, mother of my children, my one, my only, my everything. I know times have been tough lately. I know I am not doing my job as a husband and a man. I want to provide for you and the children. I am trying. We need to find some way to cut corners some way to save money. I know you want me to get a job, but sweetie I am an artist. If I can just keep after I know someday we will make a living from my sweet t-shirt airbrushing. And just incase that doesn’t come through I know I can be a competitive Starcraft player with just a little work. Until that time though here are some ways we can cut things back and maybe earn some money.

It’s been three or four months (five, maybe? I lose track of time) since you had little Ralphie Jr. and I think your oven is preheated and ready to go. Obviously we couldn’t afford another mouth to feed but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a child. Think of your womb as a vacation home we aren’t using. Do you want it to just sit there unused gathering dust and rotting day after day? Or maybe we find someone who will pay to spend the summer there and use that money to build an even better metaphorical home? If we time this out you are what, 31 or 32? We could do this nine or ten more times before it would have any long term effects. I looked it up on reddit. A white drug free surrogate mother is good for 40-50K per baby. You are sitting on a gold mine.

Think of all the additional savings we would get. How much do you spend each month on feminine products? Every single maxi pad and tampon is just money being flushed down the drain. Once you are impregnated if my vague understanding of the female body is correct we wouldn’t need to spend that money anymore. That’s money we could be using to buy the latest Starcraft II expansion pack. I need to stay current if my dream of being a Major League Gaming Champion is going to come true. Every nickel we spend on cotton is a nickel we aren’t spending on my gaming. But that’s not the only way we can save.

At almost $5 a gallon we are just throwing money away. Why are we paying for the milk when you can be the cow for free? I think we could just have the boys drink right from the tap. I mean, they have before. Derrick is almost as tall as you these days so he could do it while you are standing there doing something else. I don’t know how you feel about me suckling from you but if it’s an issue maybe I you could just pump it out and I will use it for coffee and cereal in the morning. As long as you are having kids we could be getting free dairy, it’s a win-win.

How hard is it to carry a kid? You’ve already done it four times. And each of those times it just cost us money. Now we have a chance for you to experience the miracle of life every nine months while also supporting the family and my artistic pursuits. Isn’t that everything we dreamed of when we got married after you got pregnant in our last year of High School? Think of it this way, instead of dreading getting pregnant you could celebrate it because you knew that you were carrying someone else hopes and dreams.

Sweetie, I just think it’s irresponsible of you to not want this. You are throwing away good eggs every single month and have been since you were 13. It’s like we have an avocado tree and instead of plucking the fruit we are just letting fall to the ground and rot month after month. It’s like you’re a chicken and you are refusing to let me collect from your coop. As long as I am spending all my time chasing my dream of being a competitive gamer and an awesome t-shirt artist I think that it’s fair that you kick in. I love you so much and that’s why I want to share your womb and our love with the world. Let me take you to Tony Roma’s and we can talk about this.

I Love You,

Richie aka xxZergHunterxx