Steve Ballmer here. Head of Microsoft. Yesterday it was reported that PC sales have plunged to record lows. Some are attributing the lack of excitement for Personal Computing to the rather tepid response to our latest product Windows 8. This coupled with the recent negative outcries concerning rumors of our next Xbox product needing to maintain a constant internet connection has made me realize that it might be time to change our business strategy rather substantially. So I present to you our new company wide initiative. GO FUCK YOURSELVES.
Listen up you little creeps. We are Microsoft goddamit you need us. You think you don’t. With your iPads and your google docs. Well where are you going to play spider solitaire at work when you should be using excel to tabulate your latest expense report? On your iPad? Good luck. You think some google doodle is going to be there every single day the way we have with spider solitaire? When you want to look busy at work who is it that you turn to? Microsoft BABY.
Alright maybe I came off a little too strong just now. Look I know you don’t want to use our products. Hell, I don’t want to use our products. I know they stink. That dumb tablet we made? Garbage. We spent a fortune to make a shitty computer and a tablet all in one device. Surface? What a stupid name. The only thing that has surfaced lately is the write off I am going to have to make this year. We have more money than God but we can’t seem to do anything right. Zune? Yeesh. I know, I know. We can’t seem to build something anyone wants. We refuse to innovate because that shit is hard. Look you want something that works go buy an Apple product. You want something that has been rigorously focus tested and vetted by several levels of corporate hierarchy? Come to us.
While I have your attention just a heads up. We are totally going to blow it with the new Xbox. I have already seen it. It’s classic us. Somehow with the 360 we made a machine people wanted in spite of the fact that it was on the verge of melting down if you played it for more than a two hours. We made a thing that people actually wanted? I still don’t know how that happened. I can’t say much about the new Xbox other than you’re going to hate it. I promise. The always on thing? That’s for real. I’m not even sure why we doing that to be frank. It just seemed like the dumbest thing we could do. I did manage to shoot down a plan to require you to keep a finger inserted into the system while it was in use just to ensure that the system owner was the only playing the system. I’m not crazy.
So where do we go from here? Two words. Frozen Yogurt. Microsoft-Serve. We are getting out of this tech nonsense and going where the people are. The world of self serve frozen yogurt. We have been focus testing a ton of great ideas that we think you are really going to enjoy. Look for delicious flavors like Carob, Celery, Ice, and my personal favorite Cool Ranch Doritos. We have a dynamic and exciting partnership with the Doritos folks to bring you everything you like about chips in frozen yogurt form.
Every Microsoft-Serve store will require a monthly service fee on top of you paying for the yogurt at point of purchase. We will also require you to eat the ice cream in store where we can monitor your level of enjoyment. Look for exciting entertainment options in every Microsoft-Serve store from our partners at SPIKE TV. That’s a thing people like, right? Also we have partnered with Nickelback to be the exclusive audio partners of Microsoft-Serve. It will be a treat for your ears. I know you have done your best to stick with us here at Microsoft for the past 30 years and I hope that you continue to tolerate us for another 30 more. Because honestly WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE.
Keep it Sleazy.