Dear Michael Jordan,
Hello. My name is Kim Jong Un I am a 14 year old student in Switzerland. I am a big fan of your basketball games. My dad doesn’t let me watch them all the time. He says that the NBA exploits the common man and that the workers of the basketball should unite and overthrow their capitalist oppressors. When I do get to watch the games I watch Bulls games and cheer for you, and Mr. Scottie Pippen and The Worm. He dresses like a lady. How silly. I don’t like Tony Kucoc he is slow and doesn’t get back on defense fast enough. If my dad was his coach he would have Tony’s family killed and his friends sent away to a camp to break rocks.
I am writing to let you know someday I am going to grow up and become supreme leader of North Korea. Right now I am going to school in switzerland. I don’t do too good in school but my dad says that doesn’t matter because I don’t need good grades to be the leader of the our great country. He says that everything I need to know to lead is in my bones and that my dumb older brother is no good and that the country will be mine one day. My teachers here are not like the ones back home. If I got a D in school back home my father would make that teacher kill and eat their favorite pet. I always got straight A’s when I was in Korea. I don’t like it here.
When I am leader of the great country of North Korea will you come visit me? We can play basketball at my father’s house. It is big and really nice. I bet it’s not even as nice as your place though. I am really good at basketball when I am in Korea. I play against my fathers guards and I can score 100 points a games and get 35 rebounds. I am not so good when I play in Switzerland. The kids in my school cheat and try and take the ball from me. I laugh sometimes because that is not how you play. If you did that to me back home you would be drug into the village square and shot in front of your family.
I know what your life is like because people worship my father like people worship you. Your championship parades are small compared to the parades we have for my dad. Do you starve the people who don’t go to your parades? My dad says that is the only way that people learn to love you. How many times have you had to kill someone’s child because they didn’t cheer for you or go see Space Jam? Some people will never learn, right? I love Space Jam. My dad is trying to kidnap the director of Space Jam and make him come here to make a sequel that he would star in. Dad says in the sequel he will not need the cartoon people to beat the aliens because he is a better basketball man than you.
Sometimes the kids in school are mean to me. I told my teacher about it and told him to have their mothers stripped and beaten. He gave me detention for even suggesting this. What do you do when people make you mad? I heard you punched Steve Kerr in practice. You are too soft your Airness. You should have had his children poisoned and then fed to wild dogs. That is the only way you can get through to some people. Oh well. Being great is hard, as you know. You should come visit us sometime. My dad will take you to play golf. I bet you can’t beat him. He got 18 holes in one in a single game. I doubt you are that good. When my great father plays basketball he scores 800 points a game and he could beat you at that too. You better not beat him or else he will have your feet cut off.
See you soon.
-Kim Jong Un