Dear Mr. Un,
Dear Mr. Kim,
Look I don’t know how to start this letter so here we go. My names is Andrew Tanner and I am declaring war on you and the entire nation of Northern Koreas. Look here mister uno. You can’t point your missels at me and my lovely split level home here in the heart of Texas and think for a gosh darn minute I ain’t going to at least write a sternly worded letter. You declare war on us? Well, I declare war on you and your silly lady name.
It seems the supposed president of the U.S of A don’t want to do nuthin about your threats. Well I will. I figured since you were decent enough to warn everyone what you intended to do the least I could do was the same. Word on the interwebs is that you are pointing your missels at America. Pointing em at places like Los Angeles which truth be told I wouldn’t mind you getting rid of. Have you seen the latest GI Joe movie? Those left wing creeps are making a mockery of our armed services as well as one of the finest cartoons Hasbro ever deemed fit to broadcast. But I heard that you are pointing your missels at Texas and that friendo will not fly. Unless of course it was Austin which would be fine. I would be sad to see the BBQ go but I could do without those ladies at that college who think they’re so much smatter than me.
You see Kim, hard to believe, I know on account of me working out how to send you this letter but a lot of folks don’t think I’m too smart. Now I night manage the Shell out on the edge of town. Guess how many folks come get gas in the middle of the night in a small Texas town? I have never counted but it’s safe to assume that it’s less than the amount that show up during the day. Who’s smarter know? I get paid the same as the day guy and don’t do a quater of the work. So I get to mostly sit around chew seeds and watch Wendy Williams on channel 40. You ever see her? She sure likes to talk about them Kardashians and Kanye. I heard her say once that Beyonce is about as smart as a 1st grader. That made me feel pretty good cause I went all the way through the 9th grade so I figure that makes me 9 times smarter than Beyonce.
But right, back to war. Now I am still working out the best way to attack you. I reckon that if I could drive my truck over there (not across the water, I ain’t that dumb, but in a boat and then drive it off the boat like in GI Joe: Retaliation) I could get over there and raise some serious hell in the DMZ. Is there still a DMZ? You know sometimes after Wendy I watch TMZ. That Harry Levin seems alright for a jewish fella. I mean he just wants folks to know that them stars are just like us. Are there Korean Jews? Is that a thing? What religion are ya’ll?
I am a non practicing baptist but I watch them church shows that come on after Meet the Press on Sundays. Cause you know if it’s Sunday it’s Meet the Press. Do you think David Gregory looks like Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes? I do sometimes but he seems like a good dude? Do you watch Meet the Press? You should cause they talk about you a lot. But maybe not as much as you probably want cause they are always talking about how bad our government is and how they need to raise or lower revenues. That drives me crazy Kim, it really does. Just say taxes, that revenues shit ain’t fooling no one? What’s the tax rate over there?
Well I am starting to ramble. I guess I don’t have much of a plan for attacking you. But believe you me, when I do get around to it, I will make sure there will be some sea of fire type shit on your doorstep. Don’t think I am just making idle threats to get attention cause my life ain’t so good. That ain’t what this declaration of war is about. Well. All the best till I see you and you see my lifted 1986 Bronco as it comes rolling through your house.