Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Date: April 1, 2013

A Letter From George RR Martin to the President

Good Day Mr. President,

Tis I, George RR Martin here. I am sure you have read all my books. Everyone in America loves to play “THE GAME…OF THRONES”. I bet you and Mrs. President get together every Sunday night and watch the HBO version of my show like everyone else. I am sure you know we just started season 3 on Sunday and the ratings were huge. You must have watched because everyone loves the magical world of Westeros. Seeing as you must be a huge fan of my writing and all the associated properties I have a favor to ask. I would like to be exempted from any and all laws pertaining to polygamy.

I figure that I George RR Martin have given America so much that the least you folks can do is let me take as many brides as I would like. You see when the first book was a hit I did what any almost 50 year old single fella would do. I ordered up a wife from eastern europe. Her name was Magdalena and she was truly the Khaleesi to my Khal. Now I know you may think ordering a wife over the phone (the internet was in it’s infancy then) is wrong. But Mr. President I was nearly 50 years old and I wear a captain’s hat every day. What options did I have? The opportunities to meet someone new are slim when your tasked with transcribing the adventures of John Snow and those no good Lannisters. Would you believe it after a few months of living with me in beautiful Bayonne Mags left me. She fled back home to Chernobyl. She said I spent too much time in the land of Westeros and not enough time with her. Plus I wouldn’t let her drive and I put a lock on the refrigerator.  What can I say, I had a lot to learn about love.

So what was I to do? I took another wife. This time it was after the release of my second book “A Clash of Kings”. I spent my days and nights scouring the interent till I found a particular website that I loved, it was a match made in Qarth. Qarth of course is the magical but hollow city in the second novel “A Clash of Kings”. This is how I would describe my time with Jolene my beautiful filipino bride. At first it was magic but soon after it was revealed to be empty just like Xaro’s vault. I sent Jolene back home after I caught her making time with my psychical therapist. I lost a wife but what really hurt was loosing the firm touch of Greg my PT who was helping me overcome my lifelong battle with gout.

It was a long time before I ordered love again Mr. President. I spent my time writing and dreaming of new worlds. I think you can see my broken heart in the next couple of books. It wasn’t till the success of the first season of the HBO show that I felt rich and powerful enough to take a new wife. This time I wasn’t screwing around. No more ordering wives for me. Now that I have a tv show I can go to any fantasy or comic convention in the world and after hours back in the hotel introduce my fans to George Really Randy Martin. These fangirls will do anything for me. Have you ever made Mrs. President dress up as Daenerys Targaryen the storm born? It’s pretty hot stuff. I have made love to many a young lass dressed as characters from my novel. I meet them at the signings and promise them tales of books to come if they join me in my lair at the top of the Hilton Garden Inn in San Diego after the Comic Con closes.

Well it wasn’t long before I fell in love just like with Karen. I met her at Dragon Con two years ago. We married on the morn of the harvest moon. Karen is my Khaleesi and I her Khal. I was promised that if I finished the next novel this summer I could take a second wife of my choosing. Karen said as my Khaleesi she cares not who shares our bed for no one but her can tame this stalion of Bayonne. So that’s where you come in Mr. President. With one flick of your pen you can change this archaic laws and permit me to takes as many wives as I like. Let me be the Khal I know I can be. With but a stroke of my pen I can create worlds. With a stoke of yours I can get freaky deaky with all sorts of weird ladies from conventions. I dream of marrying a slave girl Leia or even better a lady dressed as Boushh but with the slave girl Leia bikini underneath, THAT WOULD BE SUPER HOT, RIGht?  Please Mr. President let me be the stallion that mounts the cosplay world.

Your Buddy,

George Really Randy Martin

A Letter to The Rock from his Agents at CAA

Hey Champ,

Rocky buddy. We here at CAA couldn’t be more proud of you and the work you have accomplished. The biggest name in wrestling, one of the biggest stars in action movies today, and you have one heck of a smile. Big couple of months. G.I. Joe, Wrestlemania, and a Michael Bay movie. You are crushing it. But what do we have after that? As your agents it’s our job to insure that you work on A+ quality projects that enhance your star and your brand. Here are some of the films we are looking at. So how are we going get you P.A.I.D.? Here are some of the projects we got lined up.

Grime and Gun-ish-Ment – McG directs you as Rodion futuristic Bounty Hunter who has to track down and kill a pawnbroker who has kidnapped your sister and mother after they came to a gas mining space station on the rings of Jupiter. Rodion kicks and shoots his way to a clean conscious from one side of the solar system to another. Based on some book by Food Door Dove-Etsy or something. Next summer one man proves that he has a right to crime and punish those who stand in his way. Big set piece takes place in a space gulag on the former planet of Pluto.

Twins – David Gordon Green directs you in this remake of the comedy classic. You and Peter Dinklage star as twins separated at birth. Monique is the mother that gave you up. I guarantee you will be at the Oscars next year thanks to this one. Most likely as a presenter…for one of those awards they don’t show on TV but IT’S A START PLAYER!

White Smoke, Red Blood – You play a cardinal forced to defend the Vatican from terrorists. Not that exciting except… The pope gets shot in the face in the first two minutes and all the other popes or cardinals or whatever show up but some of them are terrorist popes and you have to shoot them but it doesn’t do any good because they are also…wait for it… VAMPIRE POPES!!!!!!!! It’s the perfect mix of Die Hard meets Twilight crossed with a Dan Brown book. Back up the money truck because you’re about to get dumped on!!!! BEEP BEEP

Sense and Sensibility – Using that Avatar/Tin Tin computer shit you play all the roles in the Jane Austen classic. I heard some mother fuckers at Hamburger Hamlet saying my boy Dwayne lacks range. Wait till they see you tell this classic story of a family of women dealing with the loss of their estate due to the patriarchy of old ass England BoooooooooooMMMMMMMM. Kate Winslet aint got nothing on you. I bet you get a like two Canadian Golden Globs for this. The Golden Glob is Western Canada’s most prestigious award for acting in a computer generated film. We should be golden pony boy unless Dane Cook rips shit up in that new Pixar movie Planes. I represent you both but you the champ. Smell what I’m cooking (EYEBROW!)?

Untitled Woody Allen Film – Alright my Half Hawaiian Hit Machine I saved this one for last. How would you like to play the lead in the next Woody Allen movie? Details are scarce but from what I gathered you play a neurotic playwright who comes out of retirement to write a play for his ex wife to star in that will be directed by her new husband to be played by Alec Baldwin. If the play is a hit you don’t have to pay her alimony anymore if the play flops you’re all ruined. The wife is either going to be Anne Hathaway or Catherine Zeta Jones. Your girlfriend is going to be played the girl that plays Lilly on ABC’s Modern Family. This could be huge my man. It’s a Royal Rumble of Hollywood Royalty. Don’t toss this one over the top rope.

As you can see we here at CAA have some big plans for our main man Rock. You let us know what you want to do next and we will make it happen.



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