Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Month: April 2013 (page 1 of 3)

A Letter to ESPN re: Hire Me to Be on TV

Dear ESPN,

My name is Randy Marigold and I believe that I am a just the kind of personality your are looking for. I have been watching your network rather extensively since you started covering my main man Timothy Tebow. He is truly a Godsend to us all. In the last few months I have been watching nothing but your network from the minute I get up to the second I get so stoned I pass out. I have to say without a shadow of a doubt that I would be a great fit for Sportscenter, Around the Horn, Outside the Lines, World Series Poker, any and all XGames,  and of course the greatest show on television First Take.

First off I don’t even like sports. That seems to be the number one thing all your personalities have in common. I can imagine how hard it is to cover a sport when you find it interesting or exciting. So believe me when I say I couldn’t care less about some dumb fucking game. I just want to be on television. Pure and simple. And I want to be on it a lot so I figure that ESPN is the best way to accomplish that. I could start the morning out on Mike and Mike, head over to First Take, stop by The Herd, get on Sportscenter, then Outside the Lines, Around The Horn, Sportscenter again, E60, and work all the evening shows. Where else could I even dream of getting that much screen time without any appreciable talent? Most networks limit the talent to one show a day. On ESPN I could do TV, Radio, and then podcasts. I can be everywhere.

I take direction really well. If you tell me that I hate Tim Tebow because that is better for the network, I’ll hate him. If you tell me that I can only talk about Manti Te’o from sun up to sun down, I’ll do it. I understand that being a personality on your network isn’t about having my own opinions it’s more about having the opinions you want me to have when I need to have them. I dream of being like Skip Bayless and contradicting myself day to day because WHO GIVES A SHIT? It doesn’t matter what I said last year, last month, last week, or even in the last segment. It only matters that I generate controversy. I can go on First Take and shit all over LeBron James, then if you need me to go on The Herd to yell and scream at Colin about how much I love LeBron I can do that. No one is paying any attention to the stuff you guys say. It only matters if you are yelling at each other and that you fill time.

I was worried initially that my rather extreme political views would not be a good fit for your network. However recently I noticed that most of your personalities don’t give two fucks. You have racists, homophobes, and chumps and those are just the people on first take. So I figure that my beliefs in the the illuminati, lizard people, Tri-Laterals, the importance of the gold standard, that 9/11 was an inside job involving Jay-Z, that Obama is really Patrick Ewing in disguise, and that Asian women have sideways vaginas won’t be that big of a deal. I can’t promise that some of this stuff won’t end up in my commentary. In fact I bet most of it will. But shit, you guys don’t care. I could go on a rant about the lizard men running our National Parks Department and that wouldn’t seem half as crazy as most of the shit the people on Around the Horn say every day. Crazy is relative and next to Woody Paige anyone sounds can sound normal.

I think you can tell I would be a great fit for your network. I am excited about the perks package. As a member of the ABC/Disney family am I entitled to go on a date with Selena Gomez? Do I get free fast passes at Disneyland? Can I get hooked up with Home Improvement on  Blu-ray? I can’t wait to come to work. I am stoked to live in beautiful Bristol. Do you know if Chris Berman has a roomate?

Signing Off,

Randy Marigold

A Letter From Michael Bay re: Why Didn’t You See Pain and Gain?

Hey America,

It’s your lord and goddamn mother fucking savior Michael Bay. You may know me from, who are we kidding? You know me. I know you know. ME. I invented putting explosions in front of an American Flag and filming the whole thing with a polarized filter in slow motion. I make MOVIES mother fuckers. MOVIES. I also made that awesome Aaron Burr “Got Milk” commercial. I directed videos for Meatloaf and the Goddamn Divinyls. You jerked off for the first time to a music video that I made. I have been photographing the inside of a 13 year old boy’s mind for the better part of 30 years. I also graduated from Wesleyan with a 3.8 G.P.A. I’m the fucking man.

That’s why it breaks my hear that you have turned your back on me America. I have spent 10 years of my life filming goddamn toy commercials because that’s what you wanted. That’s what you needed. I healed the world after 9/11 because I knew you didn’t want true stories of terrorism and political intrigue. No. You wanted the kid from Even Stevens running away from 30 foot tall robots that turn into tanks. You needed some place to go when it got to hot outside. I gave you that. Year after year. So when I finally did a “one for me” movie, you decided that you couldn’t be bothered to go. Pain and Gain was my gift to you and America decided it couldn’t even be asked to go to the post office to pick it up.

When I got the grosses for the weekend I thought my agent was playing a fucking joke on me. $20 million? That must have been from the Thursday night previews. Or maybe that was just our receipts from the Dakotas. Those pricks have never really gotten me. But no, it turns out that was the entire gross for the weekend. THE WEEKEND. What the fuck did you have to do that was more important that seeing Dwayne “THE ROCK” Johnson and Mark “Look At My Fake Boston Cock” Walhberg? Would it have been better if there was a talking CG teddy bear you fucking mopes? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

I poured my heart out with the TRUE STORY of juiced up body builders torturing a Miami business man. I cast Rebel Wilson in the movie because America LOVES REBEL WILSON (BTW her farts on set were so loud I had to ADR all her scenes). If you’re like me you have always watched a Coen Brother’s movie and said, “I wish there were more explosions and tits.” Guess what, America? I MADE THAT MOVIE. I swear to God himself (who actually looks like Steven Spielberg. No joke I passed out once on my boat off shore of Saint-Tropez and when I came to he was there. God himself is floating there telling me to direct Transformers 3) that no one loves the Coen Brothers more than me.

Look at my movies. Full of Coen Brother’s actors. Francis McDormand, John Malkovich, and of course John “Jesus {Gonna Fuck You In The Ass} Quintana” Turturro. All I have ever wanted is to make $1 Billion dollars, get into a Five Way with some Victoria’s Secret models, and make a Coen Brothers style flick. With Pain and Gain I was hoping to cross two of those things off my list. But you selfish pricks decided to pass on my new movie. Well you’re missing out. It’s really funny, action packed, and Dwayne steals the entire film. Oh, and I also found a role for Ed Harris, who is great in the movie. Everyone cries about how I make nothing but big budget hollywood trash but when I try to make something different you creeps ignore it. I still got the same bad reviews I got before, only now we aren’t going to get a $150 million opening weekend.

Guess what I am doing now? Packing my bags and heading to China to film the next Transformers movie. This time I am bringing Mark along with me. Thank fuck I don’t have to spend another summer on location with Shia LeDouche. Mark is a great guy and I think we can make a real fun movie. Look, I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I just really wanted Pain and Gain to be a huge hit. I wanted to be able to make other kinds of movies. But I guess that’s not what you want from me America. Unless. Huh. Maybe. That just might work. I know.

AMERICA help me KICKSTART my next personal film. If you dummies gave money to Warner Brothers to make a TV movie and couldn’t wait to give that weird dude from How I Met Your Mother (or was it ER? I don’t watch TV) money to make their movies. Imagine what I could do with your money? America we can do this.

GET LAID, GET PAID,

Michael Bay

Mark Colomb Letter

Michael Fucking Bay Pain and Gain Mark Colomb

A Letter to OKC Fan from his wife.

Today’s piece is on Ballerball.com. 

 

 

A Letter To My Daughter on Graduation re: I’m Leaving

Dear Daughter,

I can’t believe today is your graduation day. To think 24 years ago I held a little shivering pink baby in my arms and now after seven years and $145,000 of my money you have finished college. A degree in woodcutting and printmaking. We couldn’t be more… I can’t do this anymore. What the fuck are you doing with your life?

You know almost 25 years ago your mother pulled the goalie on me without saying anything. My parents told me not to date her. They said that no good could come from dating a women that wore pants. Next thing I know I have to stop chasing my dream of playing baseball and get a job at Bank of America. 25 years later I have risen to middle management by working 75 hours a week to support a kid I never wanted. I worked my ass off to be a great dad. The least you could have done was be a decent kid. I gave you and your mother everything. All I asked was to have the garage to myself so that I could work on my model trains. I couldn’t even get that because we needed to house all your various projects through the years. Knitting, silk screening, dutch wooden shoe carving?

Would it have killed you to finish one of them? I blame it on your mother. The only she could finish was a second bottle of white zin. The two of you. If I had just stopped at her that would have been fine I could have left. But having a kid? That’s just chasing bad money with good. But I had to do the right thing. God damn my parents for teaching me to be responsible. God rest their souls. Not that you ever cared. Those poor old bastards sent you $100 every Christmas and you couldn’t bother to write them once. I raised a complete cock of a daughter.

Look this may be a lot to deal with but I have spent the last quarter century waiting my sentence out like I was in Shawshank. But the difference between me and that movie is I have been crawling through shit for 24 years. I can’t do it anymore. I quietly promised myself when you were ten (and it was obvious that you were a bigger waste of space then your mother) that I would put my head down and get through this thing called life. Little did I know that I would be blessed with a fucking retard that couldn’t get her liberal arts degree from a fake college in less than 7 years. I would say you could be a doctor in that time but I doubt you could have become a dental hygienist in twice as long. You got your mother’s looks, brains, and ambition. Is it scientifically possible that all of someone’s genes could be recessive?

Thy reminds me. I’m leaving your harpy of a mother for my dental hygienist. Her name is Lisa and she smells like freedom and sandalwood. The line highlight of the last ten years has been having her rub what have to be the most perfect tits in North Dakota and my face while she cleans my molars. I’ve been keeping a secret bank account in order to escape the mundane hell you people have kept me in. I’m taking the dog with me. Buck the German Shepard has been my constant and only compatriot as I served my sentence. We plan on opening a model train store in a state in the southwest. I don’t know why I am keeping it a secret. I would be shocked if you knew any states other “confused”.

I know you thought I had your college loan in my name. Luckily my buddy Dougie in loans at the bank fudged the paperwork and you and your mom are the proud owners of $145K in liberal arts bullshit university loans.. I wonder how many woodcut posters you are going to have to sell to pay back $145K at 12.5%. Better get working sweetie. Maybe you can get a job at the bank. HA!

I tried. I really did. But you and your mother took me for granted and only saw me as an ATM that could hang Christmas lights. So I bid you both farewell. Tell your mom for me. I don’t have the energy to tell her one more thing. Not that should would even listen. However, I did leave her a little present. I shit in her pillow cases. All of them. Every single stupid fucking pillow on our bed, couch, spare room, entry way. All of them. I’ve been saving my turds for the last month for today. I figured I have been dealing with all your shit the last 24 years, time for you to deal with mine. Enjoy.

– Your Former Father.

Leaked Los Angeles Lakers Summer Plans

The good folks at BALLERBALL.COM and I found a video from The Los Angeles Lakers PR Department concerning their Summer Plans.


A Letter to Human Resources re: Later, Jerks.

Dear Human Resources,

My names is Phillip Latroid and I am employee number 14568722145728474922. I am in the analytics department of our overseas banking department on the northwest corner of the southeast building in our Westown campus. I have been an employee here for the 10 years and rarely have voiced a complaint. However it is with a heavy heart that I must resign from the company immediately. Though I enjoy our work and appreciate the anonymity provided by my job I feel it is time for me to move on. On my way out the door I wanted to share some thoughts about our current working conditions.

My desk mate Davis smells like the litter box of a cat suffering from some sort of intestinal parasite. It really cannot be overstated. Yes, some of the smell is obviously Davis’ own shit but he smells like kitty litter. Davis also seems to subsist on a diet of prune juice and slim jims. I would maybe have someone from our health and wellness team speak to him. Over the course of the last ten years I have spent day after day smelling him rot from the inside out. No one ever says anything because Davis is blind in one eye and most people think he has it hard enough. I don’t believe that one’s vision should excuse them from maintaining proper hygiene.

Over the course of the last 10 years I have seen our lunch break go from a very generous 90 minutes to one hour to half an hour to nothing. Although I have never seen it written as an official policy it seems like anyone taking 30 minutes to step away from their desk is considered a malcontent and not a “Top Ten Percent Team Member” or whatever the current needless buzzword you have created to instill some sort of fake esprit de corps. I base this only on the wikipedia searching I do to kill time (as wikipedia is the only website you haven’t blocked us from using) but it seems that even murders serving life sentences get a lunch break. So I have to thank whoever came up with this unspoken working lunch policy for allowing us to have it worse than criminals.

Speaking to the previous mention of “Top Ten Percent Team Member” every year our bonus keeps decreasing. Could this possibly be related to the amount of money you are spending to bring in consultants to create needless corporate phrases like “Top Ten Percent Team Member” or last year’s “Reach For The Rings” program that amounted to a power point lecture and a banner in the break room? How much did you spend to have someone create our “Ten Points of Light?” I couldn’t help but notice that in that list of vague company ideals you never mentioned making sure our pay kept up with the cost of living. You know what really makes people feel like part of the team? Paying them enough to cover rent each month. Maybe save some of the money you spent on dynamic lectures and team building exercises and just make sure our wage keeps up with inflation. If I have to hear one more lecture from some asshole that listened to a Malcom Gladwell audio book I will, uh, fuck, who cares?

I have also seen my sick days and vacation rolled into a nebulous thing called PTO. When I started I had two weeks off and 5 sick days a year. Now I have two weeks of PTO. I know it can seem like staying home and vomiting all over myself is a vacation from this place. But I don’t agree that they are the same thing. I shouldn’t have to pick between diarrhea and a trip to Denver to see my in laws at Christmas. Though shitting myself does sometimes seem preferable to eating my mother in laws green bean casserole. Would it kill you to give us three weeks off? Maybe some sick days? To balance out the scales as it were I have spent the last year doing nothing but playing angry birds in the shitter.

During my time here my pay has effectively stayed the same, my vacation time has gone down, I have lost my lunch break, and we stopped receiving a bonus. In that same time our profits have gone up, our CEO has purchased a minor league hockey team, and my office mate Davis has put on 125 pounds of jerky weight. So it is with a sense of relief and absolutely no regret that I leave this place and hope that someday you realize the kind of company you are running. I am sure this letter is being read by one of our HR specialists in India. I am so glad you moved our jobs over seas so you could save even more money. Hello my Indian friend are you well? I hope you can understand the kind of company you are working for.

What’s The Point,

Phillip Latroid

A Letter to Matthew Weiner re: Passing on Mad Men

Dear Mr. Weiner,

Good Day. My name is Jeremy Pendleton. I am Junior Vice President of Development and Production at The American Broadcasting Company. I recently received a copy of your script about the advertising executives in the late 50’s. First of all let me say how much I enjoy your work on the CBS program Becker. It looks to be one of the real true success stories this fall. Reading your script I can’t help but think of one word. FAILURE.

Mr. Weiner do you honestly think America wants to look backwards? We here at ABC did have luck with The Wonder Years but we would be fools to try something like that again. We are nearing the end of a century and the country is all about looking forward. We need shows about the future not the past. We want things that deal with the information superhighway. We want shows that are about good looking twenty somethings drinking fancy coffee and complaining about how much money they make.

Mr. Weiner do you honestly think we want to remind people of a point in American history where the postwar boom gives way to the turbulent 60’s? The economy is booming, we aren’t at war, people are able to buy two, hell, four homes if they want. Do you think they want to turn on their TV and be reminded of a time where that all went away? I mean, Matt, can I call you Matt? What makes you think anyone would be interested in a show about people selling things?

Isn’t the point of television to make people forget all about the advertisements? Now you want to go and remind them not only of the ads but also of the people that make them? What next Matt a show that takes place in a hot dog factory? If we start reminding people about the ads they may start wondering why they need to watch them. Could you imagine a world where people didn’t watch the ads? It would be the death of everything we hold dear. You write about these ad men as if they are the worst thing that happened our country. Why must you bite the hand that feeds you so well, Mr. Weiner? It’s like watching a remora fish mock a shark.

If you were smart you would start coming up with pitches for reality programs. They are cheap and completely forgettable. We almost bought a version of a Swedish show where people live on an island together and eat bugs. I wish we could have shown it. Now that is television. Tan people, swimming around and spending their time on the beach? That is must see TV. We are taking a pitch next week on a show where people eat bugs and get covered in snakes. This is what America wants. We need more people eating bugs. We are not in the business of telling stories Matt, we are in the business of selling ad time, pure and simple.

Before you go pitching this somewhere else let me give you some notes. First off this Don fella needs to be something else. Maybe he is a spy? You know sells ads by day is James Bond by night You could have him working to change the history we know. Oh boy. Here is an idea. Don foils the Kennedy assassination. You have him going to Dallas to pitch some oil company but secretly he is there to kick the shit out of that pinko Oswald. Now that is story telling. Don could then go on to Cuba and punch Castro right in his stupid beard. Matt the possibilities are endless. You need to stop thinking so small if you ever want to get this show on the air.

Also let’s talk about the cast. I would take that mild mannered secretary Peggy and make her sexy. Maybe she works at the Playboy Club at night and is also a spy. Actually you know what we should do? You should scrap all this shit and write an Austin Powers TV show. That is something that would work. I got a look at the upcoming sequel and let me tell you H-I-T. Big time. You have a feel for the period but you have to get away from this grounded boring nonsense and give the people what they want. Fat Bastard eating bugs.

All the best with your career Matt. I mean that. But if you really want to stay in this business you have to work harder to please the viewers. I have to go, we are expanding Who Wants To Be A Millionaire to six nights a week. I get to help pick out Mr. Philbin’s ties each night. I got a real eye for fashion. Before my uncle hired me here I worked at The Gap.

All The Best,

Jeremy Pendleton

 

A Letter From Wendy of Wendy’s Old Fashioned Hamburgers

Dear Wendy’s Corporation,

It’s Wendy here. Remember me? The charming red headed inspiration for your entire corporate brand? I was watching the best of “To Catch a Predator” the other day live because my idiot husband erased a bunch off my DVR and I couldn’t help but notice I HAVE BEEN FUCKING REPLACED. You didn’t think Wendy would notice a new slimmed down ginger BITCH in your ads? What do you think I am as dumb as my dead idiot father, Dave? You may have pulled that kind of shit with him but you better believe that WENDY DONT FUCK AROUND.

Whose idea was it to take me off the commercials? I know there was complaints about my size in previous commercials. I saw the letters. But who better to market this calorie laden crap then someone who looks just like them? Let them stare into the mirror. I am them and they are me. You taking me out of the commercials and putting in some Anna Kendrick wannabe isn’t fooling anyone. What is more American than the wealthy daughter of a fast food magnet offering up frozen treats and square hamburgers? NOTHING. Me being the face of this company as I age is the best thing we could do. Our advertising should be like the British UP films. Watch Wendy age gracefully as she subsists on a diet of french fries dipped in frosties.

Shit. We should have made a documentary about me after that idiot Morgan Spurlock tried to blow the lid off our industry. He only ate McDonald’s every day for a month, I have eaten Wendys every single day of my life, four times a day just like my dear old day. AND I FEEL GREAT! The lies that balding monster Spurlock tried to tell America about our industry are ridiculous. How did we respond? We didn’t. Now is your chance. Let’s follow Wendy around for a month as I eat my way across this great country. Going from a Wendy’s in Maine all the way to San Diego. I can stop off in each of the fifty states. Show the America how delicious our company is. Wendy Eats America. That shit write itself. I’ll be like a sexy Adam Richman.

You know one of Dad’s final wishes was that I stay the face of the company. Who are you monsters to deny it? This is just like how you denied his dying wish that his ashes be mixed into a frosty machine and then given to little kids. He said it was the only way to ensure that he lived on. Well,  just because the CEO said we couldn’t do that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I snuck into the Wendy’s Flagship store in Columbus, Ohio and made damn sure that a little piece of dad made it out into the world. I spread his ashes in the frosty machine, in the catsup, on the grill. Guess what the prize in the kid meal was that week? DAVE THOMAS. YOU CANNOT STOP ME.

If you creeps don’t get me back on TV I will take this whole empire down. You saw the uproar over Ikea and Burger King putting weird stuff in their burgers? How do you think the public is going to react when I tell the world that we only use DOLPHIN meat? Our burgers, dolphin. Our chicken, dolphin. Why even our vaunted frosty? CHOCK FULL OF DOLPHIN. I know it and so do you. If you want America to find out keep fucking with Wendy. Find out what happens. You know what happened when Dad started accusing me of being too demanding? Well, lets just say, no I better not put it in writing. The police are getting a little too close.  I hope to hear from you soon.

KEEP IT FROSTY FUCKERS,

Melinda Lou “Wendy” Morse

A Letter From Joseph Mazzello to Discover Credit Card

Dear Discover Credit Card Company,

Hello. My name is Joseph Mazzello. You may now me best from my role as Mouse in GI Joe: Retaliation and in a brief (blink and you’ll miss me) part in David Fincher’s The Social Network. Oh. Right. I was also in a little film called Jurassic Fucking Park. I am writing you to dispute some charges on my Discover Card statement this month. I am getting tired of your collections department hounding me for charges that aren’t mine.

First of all I did not charge $789 for acting lessons. Did you see Jurassic Fucking Park? Who made you believe dinosaurs were real? That fat prick Wayne Knight? That English phony Dick Attenborough? Yeah, right. Me baby. I screamed and I cried and made Stan Winston’s rubber monstrosities real. So why would I take “acting classes?” Did it seem like I didn’t know what I was doing? I made that movie. People came for the phony ass lizards and stayed for the ginger headed star, me. Joey Mazz.

Shit someone should be paying me $789 to teach acting classes instead of some greasy nobody in the valley that stole my time and my money. Uh, I mean, stole my credit card information. I didn’t take acting classes in order to network and learn how to improve my on camera audition skills.

I certainly didn’t charge $2500 for glamour head shots. Do you think a star of my stature needs head shots? When I want a role I have my buddy (maybe you’ve heard of him) Steven Spielberg call up and get me that role. If he’s busy I just send one of my Jurrasic Park trading cards in with the number of the pay phone in the parking lot of the 7/11 near one of my mansions. I don’t like having them call my cell phone it’s an unlisted number. Don’t bother trying to find it.

Also, I take issue with a charge for $456 to the Sunset Strip Men’s Hotel and Car Wash. It’s listed as monthly rent. That’s impossible. I live in a mansion in Beverly Hills and another one in Malibu. There is no way I live in a men’s hotel in the seedy part of Hollyweird. I was in one of the biggest movies of all time why would I charge my rent to a Discover card? You’re not even a good card. I roll with my Amex Black Card. Joe Mazz balls out of control.

Also the $25 charge for a “lost” hot plate at the previously mentioned men’s hotel. Why would I lose a hot plate? Maybe it was stolen by David Faustino when someone got in a fight with him over an unpaid gambling debt. Maybe. Who’s to say? I certainly don’t know because I live in two different mansions. I was in a movie with Jeff goddamn Goldblum. Plus, I would fuck that little bitch Faustino up. Joey Mazz pays his gambling debts either with money or in blood. Believe that.

You people need to stop calling me and sending letters to my mom’s house. She wasn’t in Jurrasic Fucking Park. I was. She doesn’t have any money. And even if she did she isn’t going to give it to you people. She won’t even give it to me. Not that I’ve ever asked. Why would I? I’m a star. I was in Jurrasic Park. We changed the game! Did you know Sam Jackson’s famous line “Hold on to your Butts” was originally based on something I said? Whenever the AD knocked on my dressing room I would always yell “Hold onto yo Dick”. Every time. It was hilarious. Next thing I know that hack Koepp is stealing my catchphrase.

I was in one the biggest films of all time that was recently re-released in 3D. Have you seen it? They won’t let me in the arclight theater. Telling me I not allowed in after someone accuse me of stealing popcorn and Dots. Believe that I fucked up their Coke freestyle machine. They were all out of Mello Yellow. What a joke. You’re a joke Discover Card. You will never get my money.

Hold On To My Dick,

Joseph Mazzello – ACTOR

 

A Letter from Jeff Zucker re: CNN and Boston

Dear CNN employees,

Jeff Zucker here. It’s been a whirlwind since I started working at CNN. I was brought here to make the news more entertaining and hopefully bring that Must See TV magic over here from NBC. Within a few days here I realized that you dopes were falling behind because CNN was always waiting for things to happen. The traditional news cycle of reporting on events that have already happened is no good in the world of twitter, tumblr, and vine. As of this week we are out of the business of reporting the news. We are in the business of creating the news. I am working on a full schedule for this year so lets get cracking.

Our first pilot this year is off to a great start. Obviously the bombing in Boston is a tragedy. But how can we get any ratings if we are just showing the same footage and reporting the same things everyone else is? We had to find the next story. So I told our team of writers to get me the next twist. They come back to me with a great idea of creating a brown skinned suspect that the Boston Police Department are arresting live on our air. I mean could you imagine? Then we reported he would be taking directly to the courts skipping all traditional police procedures. It was like a real live episode of Law and Order. Only instead of ripping it from the headlines we were making the headlines as we went. I looked into getting Jerry Orbach involved but it turns out he died awhile ago. Bummer.

Now some folks seem to be upset about the fact that none of this was true. But guess what? They watched. They tweeted. We had the world looking at us. Who cares if we made it all up? We are in the entertainment business and as my buddy Brad Pitt once said, “Business is a Booming.” We give the world the stories and then because modern journalists are lazy and scared of being scooped they will report whatever we say as fact. By the time someone chases down the facts we have already got the ratings we needed and are on our way to getting paid.

Now Boston was just the first step in my plan for this season of CNN. I think we are going to have a huge summer. If they ever do catch the creeps who set the bomb we can create a whole narrative around the trial. We need to get someone on the inside making sure that we control the verdict. I have the art department doing some mockups on logos. It going to be huge. But it’s just the beginning of what we can create.

Get ready because CNN is getting into the Summer Blockbuster business. We are going to be bigger than Star Trek and Superman combined. This summer CNN is creating a war with North Korea. How awesome is that going to be?  I had our writers working overtime to start laying the groundwork on this one but the events in Boston have pushed our plans back. I think in a month or so we report on a potential missile launch or maybe tell everyone China is going to back the dork in the North. If we stoke the fires we can probably get this war going by July. I have Michael Bay consulting with our camera crews and CG department to ensure that Korean War 2 will make the last ten years of war look like a goddamn Duplass Brother’s flick.

But you can’t just program action movies all day. That’s why this fall for the ladies we are going to unveil a love story for the ages. Just after Labor Day CNN will report that Jennifer Lawrence is dating Robert Pattinson. We will have them meet at Diddy’s party in Martha’s Vineyard. Then we report them dating all through the fall. Report that there are wedding plans for Valentine’s Day and that takes us right to the Oscar’s next year. It will be perfect. And the best part? None of it has to be true. It just needs to be on TV.

So there you have just a glimpse at a few of the wonderful and exciting ideas I have for the future on CNN. In the future I would love to share our plans to provide Wolf Blitzer with a monkey sidekick named Peter. Look for Peter and The Wolf shirts/posters/coffee mugs it’s going to be big. I think from there we can look into doing a full half hour scripted show with the two of them fighting crime while they report it. Guys I couldn’t be more excited. We live in a world where we not only report the news we get to make it.

Reporting for CNN,

Jeff Zucker

 

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