Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Month: March 2013 (page 2 of 3)

Decatur Veterans Affairs To Throw Iraqi Liberation Anniversary Party

Dear V-A Party Planning Committee,

Alright, we have a real conundrum on our hands here. Part of our job, well really our only job here at the Vetrans Affairs is to plan parties. Most of the time this sort of thing is easy. Welcome Home, Memorial Day, President’s Day, and all your all American favorites. However this week we got a problem. Word has come down from the higher ups that we need to throw a Iraq War 10 Year Anniversary party. Yeah, I know. The boys upstairs say we don’t have a choice. So I have started brainstorming some ideas on how to throw the best darn Operation Iraqi Liberation 10 Year Anniversary Party the Decatur VA has ever seen. We are going to tie one (yellow ribbon) on (the old oak tree).

Food Options:

Kurds and Whey – Worse case scenario we put out a tub of cottage cheese. But here at the Decatur VA we are a whole heck of a lot better than that. Think about our options. Just the use of curds alone opens up a world of possibilities. I think it only fair to use the curds to poutine to honor our Canadian brothers who fought along side of us. Deep Fried curds. Be real careful with the spelling on this one. Fried curds are delicious. Fried Kurds are a painful reminder of this brutal war.

Hummus – Again check the spelling on this. Every time we serve it some joker always changes the sign to Hamas. I know it’s you Dale. Just put the dip out. Chickpeas are delicious.

General Tommy Franks and Beans – Hot Dogs, Beans, and Freedom. Is there anything more American than that?

Taliban-ana Cream Pie – It’s as much fun to say as it is to eat.

 

Top Ramandan – Alright. This one could be a little offensive. Maybe we don’t put this one out. Is this offensive? Is there someone we could ask? Maybe look on Yahoo Answers.

Look I know how uncomfortable everyone is about celebrating this but we have to. You know how these guys are. If they want to do something there is no talking to anyone. I told them I have proof real valid proof that it might offend the boys. Like I said. You know these guys proof or no proof they just want to throw a party.

Entertainment

How about some board games for the boys? We need to avoid the following games; Risk, Settlers of Catan, Battleship, Talaban-agrams (sorry I couldn’t resist), Life, Sorry. Maybe we just stick to Connect Four and Candyland.

If possible we would like to avoid any films that feature war, guns, fighting, violence, graphic sex, toilet humor, politics, and of course the films fo Woody Allen (not sure why this one comes down from the boys upstairs as well). This leaves us with only a few options. I hope the boys look forward to watching The Legend of Bagger Vance again. It will be a hole in one.

Now look. I get it. This party seems to be in bad taste. But they claim the money we spend having the party will stimulate the local Decatur economy. They seem to think that if we spend the for the party we will be able to get the economy back on it’s feet.

Guest List

We sent out a lot of invites on this one and haven’t gotten the kind of response we were looking for. As it stands it looks like we don’t have a very willing coalition. There has been a serious outcry from some of our previous guests that this party is being held under false pretense. Some people are saying the anniversary isn’t even correct. Some of these jerks claim we won’t listen to anyone and just go ahead and throw a party whenever we want. To that I say, you better believe it! We are the goddamn Decatur goddamn VA. Our parties have been a boon to the entire town time and time again. Sure it’s been 60 years since we had a great party but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying. If we just quit whenever it got tough to throw a party that would make us no different from Mrs. Anderson’s French club. Those dopes couldn’t throw a party on their own if their lives depended on it.

I expect everyone to turn out. We will see you this Saturday. Rain or shine. We currently budgeted at $300 for the parties but I don’t think anyone will have a problem if we end up spending and extra three to four thousand dollars.

 

Why Does America Hate Criminals?

There is a growing problem in the American media that I find incredibly disturbing. Look at the way our crimes are reported time and time again. The lame stream media is always trying to blame the people who commit these crimes and never take the time to think about what the supposed “victims” did to encourage the crimes. Or the benefits that these supposed criminals provide for America.

Take for example the story of a man in Florida accused of robbing a bank and shooting the guard on duty. It’s time for me to start asking the hard questions. Why was that bank full of money? What did they expect? You have a single lightly guarded building full of American currency and folks are just supposed to let it just sit there? YOU put the money in there Mr. bank manager. YOU put a sign out front advertising that it was a bank full of money. That sign was a beacon to the average man asking, neigh, demanding that he go inside and liberate the money inside. If you didn’t want someone to rob a bank maybe you should have had better security? This proud Floridian only fired two bullets at the guard. What kind of guard allows himself to die from two single bullets? But I digress.

Take for example the story of a man in Florida that burned down his home to collect insurance money. Now some people claim he is a monster because his family was inside and they perished in the blaze. But what was he supposed to do? He was paying insurance every single month and for what? If he didn’t burn that house down how was he supposed to get money from his insurance company? Was he just going to keep paying month after month, year after ear, and just “hope” that his home burned down? No. This man took his fate into his own hands and GOT THAT MONEY. Is there anything more American than this? If there is I sure don’t know it. Now his family did die and he is not only being charged with insurance fraud but also murder. They intend to take away this man’s promising future by locking him up for the rest of his life. Is this where you want America to end up? I sure don’t.

Take for example the story of a man in Florida that arrested for selling 100 pounds of cocaine to an undercover cop. I’m sorry when did selling a harmless plant derivative become a crime in America? This entrepreneur was out working hard buying and selling a product that people want. So of course BIG GOVERNMENT had to step in and shut him down. When will we start encouraging our local business owners and stop persecuting them? This man employed several people not to mention the police who were working to track him down. Who will these police officers chase now that he has been arrested? Who will hire all his former employees now that he has been arrested? Who, I ask, who? If selling a product that the American people are demanding is a crime than you better lock up Mr. Burger King.

Television and the internet are littered with stories just like the ones I described above. We need to stop attacking the criminals of America and start asking ourselves how we can allow them to live full and productive lives. Every single time you lock someone up for attacking a person, robbing a bank, or burning their home down you are taking a life away. You are taking away the chance that these people could go on to make a great piece of art or be good at sports or adopt a puppy. So continue your attack on the criminals of America and see where we end up.

 

An Orphans Letter to The Mythbusters

Dear Mr. Jamie and Mr. Adam,

My name is Timothy Smith. I am a ward of the state of Nebraska and I am ten years old. I have been an orphan my entire life. My birth parents left me in the bathroom of Hardee’s in Omaha. When the guy who cleans up found me he called the police and they took me to the hospital then I ended in an orphanage. Here at the orphanage we don’t get to watch very much television but when Mr. Collins is in a good mood we get to watch Mythbusters. Mr. Collins is in charge he gets mad sometimes at me. You guys are the best. I like everyone on the show even that girl that wears socks on her arms.

I have a myth for you. Teddy who is one of the other orphans says that people don’t adopt left handed kids. Can you test this out? Teddy says the reason I keep getting sent back to the orphanage is because I am left handed. Have you heard about this myth? He says another older boy told him that. What exactly qualifies as a myth on your show?

Maybe I could help you test this myth? I have thought about this a lot. What about three rooms? One with only right handed kids, one with left handed kids, and another with a mix of both. I could be in the room with both and this would be the control room. Then you could get people that have enough money to buy kids food and new clothes and get them to adopt kids. Then we could find out once and for all if people won’t adopt left handed kids.

Jamie and Adam in order to make sure this a real control you would need to help me look like a normal boy. It would help if you could get me a long sleeve shirt. I have some bruises on my arm. Sometimes Mr. Collins grabs me too hard when he gets mad at me for not cleaning his office. I try real hard, I do. Sometimes I don’t do a good job cause I am so hungry. Mr. Collins says that orphans need to eat less than kids with families. Is this a myth we can also test?

We could make it an all orphan myth special. I bet I could eat as much as a kid with a family if I had the chance. We get to eat once a day on days that don’t start with a T. So I guess we are pretty lucky. On Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays I am the happiest boy alive. That’s when we get to eat. I get real sad on Tuesday, Thursday, Taturday, and Tunday. Can we test that myth? I would love to eat on Tunday. The weekend is awful long Mr. Jamie and Mr. Adam.

Well. I hope I hear from you guys soon. If you could write me back that would be great. Please don’t let Mr. Collins find out I wrote you. Like I said. Sometimes he gets mad.

 

-Timothy Smith

 

A Letter From the Governor re: Alabama Shakes

Hello There,

It’s me Robert J. Bentley Governor of the great state of Alabama. Now as the Governor I have dealt with many a crisis. I know it’s become fashionable to mock Alabama as a backwards and antiquated part of this here U-nit-ed States. I have written this open letter to let everyone know that though we may be known for leading the Union in racism, bigotry, and a general lack of education what I feel the greatest problem facing us is our association with a certain musical group. I speak of course of Alabama Shakes. I think by removing this band and their loose association with our state we can rectify many of the problems facing us today.

Now I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to name a band so awful after something as lovely as the state of Alabama but I aim to publicly disavow any connection between my state and that band. I realize that most people think of Alabama as a less refined version of Florida but that doesn’t mean we have anything to do with that terrible, awful no good band, Alabama Shakes. I can’t emphasize this enough. This is the sort of music one expects from Mississippi.

In 2010 Alabama was 40th in education. I find it to be no coincidence that at this time the members of Alabama Shakes were attending East Limestone High School. Recently in a 2012 survey Alabama rose 6 places to 34th in education. Alabama Shakes was finally out of school and no longer a drain on our educational system, dragging our state wide average down six whole places. I have it on good authority that these dumb-dumbs would cut class and listen to The Doors and John Fogerty solo records all day long. That’s right. Not even Creedence. Just Center Field, over and over and over again. The simple act of these clod hopping mongoloids aging out of our educational system has been a boon to the state and an unfortunate plague on the rest of the country.

Alabama may have the third highest rate of obesity in America but I know if we just kicked the bass player, the singer, and the drummer out of Alabama for good this would possibly bump us down to 8th. Take that Wisconsin. I know what your saying three people can’t make that much of a difference. Well have you seen these guys? It looks like an evil witch turned The Rock-A-Fire Explosion into real boys and girls. We will no longer tolerate them pushing the median weight of Alabama any higher. My Daddy’s cousin on his mother’s side runs a dinner out by Route 178 and claims that the band came in one day while on tour and ate everything in the entire place. Described them as a pack of wild voracious dogs. I feel this is an unfortunate comparison because I have heard many a dog that at least could howl in tune. Would it kill this band to try an Alabama Salad?

The Alabama of today is place that is working hard to correct the misconceptions of it’s past. Our horrible history is littered with controversial figure like George Wallace yet there is no greater threat to the modern image of Alabama then the band, Alabama Shakes. Their brand of faux southern rock is insidious and awful. We have to stop them before they create something that could outlive them and be played in jukeboxes in the decades to come. Who amongst us has not be trapped in a bar when some wise acre plays Freebird back to back with Hotel California. That is where we are headed with this band. Is there anyway that their next album doesn’t feature 7-9 minute long southern “epics” as they try and prove how much they have “matured” with future releasees? Stopping this band today is the only way to ensure you can drink in piece tomorrow at your favorite dive bar.

I have worked hard in my tenure as Governor to improve the conditions of the average Alabamanian. Yep. That’s right. We call ourselves Alabamanians. As long as we work to disassociate ourselves with these boring, talentless, fakers, Alabama Shakes we can ensure that you think only now us as the home of Charles Barkley, Hammerin’ Hank Aaron, and of course Bo Bice. That kid can sing. Let us be known as the birthplace of Courtney Cox and not the birthplace of tone deaf caterwauling imitation southern rock. All the best.

It was Edmund Burke who said “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Well this elected official is doing the best he can to stop the evil that is Alabama Shakes.

-THE GOV’

My Veronica Mars Kickstarter

I was so inspired by the speed at which people let a giant company like Warner Brothers know that they don’t need to spend money making movies anymore. As fans we don’t just have to spend 15 dollars at the movies to anymore to support the things we like. We can also help pay to get them made before hand and then pay again to see them when they are released. What a great time to be alive.

In the spirit of Veronica Mars I thought it was time for me to get Kickstartin. I am looking to raise ONE MILLION dollars, that’s right. Just like Lil’ Wayne. I know what you’re saying “Mark, you would just blow that money on crap like you always do.” To that I say, “YES!” and here is the crap I would blow it on. Why should I work hard when you folks can pay for me to do whatever I want. As the great sage Vince Neil once said, “Oh, fuck. I think he’s dead, KICKSTART MY HEART.”

  • 50K I will read all the books I have been meaning to. Gravity’s Rainbow, done. Ulysses  finished. Infinite Jest, I was going to make a joke here with a footnote but I haven’t read the book yet so I can’t be sure that would be either accurate or appropriate satire. See I should read more. I think I just used two words that are cinnamons  HELP ME READ AND WRIT GOODER AND THINGS.
  • 100K – The books get read. Then I will watch all those movies I have been meaning to see. I was reading about Stalker yesterday and I can’t believe I haven’t seen it. Come to think of it, other than bits of Solaris I haven’t seen any Tarkovsky. What am I doing with my life? Help me out.
  • 150K – Books, Movies, and now a vacation. With 150K I can really take some time off and see some things. I was thinking about driving across the U.S. first. Then flying from LA to Southeast Asia. I have seen a few places but I haven’t ever been to Angkor Watt. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to see Angkor Watt as the sun came up? That would really be something.
  • 200K – Books, Movies, Travel, and I would buy an old ambulance and make it look like the ghostbusters car. Is this a good idea? Not really. But it’s the kind of thing you can expect from once we start hitting the bigger numbers.
  •  250K – At this point I will pay off my students loans. They actually aren’t that much. But if I payed off the loans before reading, watching movies, traveling, or building the ghostbusters car WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF KICKSTARTING?
  • 300K – Books, movies, travel, car, loans, and now I will pay Kevin Smith 50K to not make Clerks 3. See I used to love Kevin Smith movies and I enjoy some of what he does today. He seems like a good dude. But I don’t think he needs to make Clerks 3. Try something else. It’s scary to make something new but sometimes you have to challenge yourself. I want to help you Kev. Is 50K worth it to save an artist’s life? Yeah, yeah it is.
  • 350K – Books, movies, travel, car, loans, Clerks 3, and now to really indulge myself. I want to offer 50K to anyone who can get me a copy of “The Day the Clown Cried”. I’m sure it’s a terrible movie but I have to know what Jerry Lewis was up to. Why won’t he let us see it? What is so appalling? Does he really lead a bunch of kids into a gas chamber dressed as a clown? I have to know. I feel like Fox Mulder sometimes with this film. The clown is out there.
  • 400K – All that other stuff and I would just save this 50K. I don’t know buy gold or something. I hear it never goes down in value and that when the world ends I can use it to but canned tuna or something, right?
  • 450K – You know what? Let’s take the previous 50K add it to this and make our own Veronica Mars movie. One of us has to know someone who is a better actress than Kristen Bell. She seems super nice but come on? We can do better. Plus, isn’t Rob Thomas’ music enough why does this guy get to make a movie as well?
  • 500K – Books, movies, travel, loans, GB Car, Clerks 3, Veronica Mars movie shot on my SLR and then I would use some of this money to buy you all ice cream. Everyone likes ice cream, right? Sprinkles. Everyone also gets sprinkles.
  • 550K – That previous junk. Plus, how about this? I would offer My Bloody Valentine 50K to put out a new album. How long has it been since Loveless came out? We are due. I bet for 50k Kevin Shields can finish this album and get it to us.
  • 600K – So it’s come to my attention that MBV did in fact release a new album. Great. I am going to pocket that 50K. Maybe buy an unopened box of Marvel Masterpiece trading cards. Remember those? Man that was some good art. I bet a box of those would be worth something one day. That seems like the kind of thing Nic Cage would own a bunch of. I bet I can buy it off him. He needs money, right?
  • 650K – Books, movies, travel, car, loans, Clerks, VM movie, trading cards and how about, uh, a house? This will be enough for the land but it will take a few more levels before I can truly build the kind of home I want.
  • 700K – This is enough to build my home. I would have all sorts of bookshelves that turned around and lead to secret passages. Staircases that turn into slides. A room built like the moon room in revenge of the nerds. I promise to not use for any sort of sexy times (wink).
  • 750K – I would build a batcave. Giant penny, dinosaur, waterfalls, it would be eerily accurate. I would hire JGL to come and hang out to be Robin. We all know he was Robin.
  • 800K – Skip some of the earlier stuff and use some of this money to clone my cat. He’s a good cat. You would like him. I would be really sad if he died but if we cloned him, no harm, no foul. We can build a new cat, a better cat.
  • 850K – Rent out The Music Box theater in Chicago and make my very own film festival. We would show my version of Veronica Mars as the closing film. The rest would be All the Mad Max movies, All the Evil Dead Movies, and The Sound of Music.
  • 900K – A real doll. Now I wouldn’t use it for sexy times. That is kind of weird. But what I would do is dress her up in overalls and then sew another pair of overalls to it and wear both around. I would tell everyone I am a fraternal Siamese twin but my sister is in a coma and that they can’t remove her or we both would die. I saw an episode of Real Sex once with a real doll and some people really bought into it. Time to test out how understanding people can be.
  • 950K – A lifetime pass to Golden Corral. Look sometimes I have trouble thinking big. They have a chocolate fountain and all you can eat popcorn shrimp. I would never have to go to Jewel again. I bet they have soft serve. The options are limitless  I should mention this post is sponsored by the good people at Golden Corral. Golden Corral – It’s the next best thing to eatin’ from a trough. 
  • A MIlli – I would use this money to buy tickets to movies I want to see. I would use it to  buy books I wanted to read. I would use it to go to concerts and buy music. What I wouldn’t use it is to fund a focus group from a giant corporation  If you like something by all means support it. But kickstarting a movie for some fucking multinational is just gross.

 

 

 

 

A Letter From N.O.T. (National Organization of Turtles)

Good Day,

I am sending this letter to the heads of any and all broadcast channels. My name is Chester A. Arthur (no relation) and I am President of the National Organization of Turtles. Did you know that 10% of household pets are turtles? Turtles have lived on this planet for over 220 million years. Are you aware that turtles can be found on almost every continent of this big beautiful world. But do you know where turtles can’t be found? On your televisions shows, either in front of or behind the camera.

For shame. We demand that turtles be featured in prime time programming on all major networks. We demand turtle news anchors and sportscasters. We demand turtles get the representation they deserve in the vast media landscape. When is the last time you saw a turtle as a positive role model in the modern media? Let me stop you before you can say cowabunga, dude.

Were the ninja turtles even close to a positive role model? They were portrayed as immature, pizza eating, thugs. Led by a rat? The assumption that a rat could be the better of a turtle in either form or fashion is ridiculous. I have met many rats in my day and few of them are worth the trap you would lay out for them. Even if you feel that these so called ninja turtles were the kind of role model that the world needed it still doesn’t change the fact that not a single turtle is the lead on a single show today. How have you fallen so far?

This speaks to a larger issue. Are there any turtles writing and producing your television? Do you have any turtles in development at your channels? Can a single turtle be found anywhere on set? I imagine the answer is no. Who’s fault is this? Yours and yours alone.

Here at N.O.T. we realize that turtles have traditionally been portrayed as slow both physically and mentally. This is a complete fallacy that your media continues to perpetuate. How better to change this stereotype than by featuring turtles in prominent roles on your television programs? When was the last time you got out of your cloistered world and spoke to a real live turtle? I bet it has been longer than you care to admit. As long as you continue to portray turtles in the media as being stupid and sluggish what hope does the noble turtle have?

I have sent a similar letter to the heads of the University of Maryland. I find the terrapin to be a demeaning caricature. How would you feel if the your face was plastered on countless pieces of merchandise without your input?

As you begin to pick up pilots this year for broadcast ask yourself do your shows pass the Yertle test? Are there two turtles in your show? Who talk to each other? About something other than pizza or karate? I dream of a world full of shows featuring positive and honest representations of turtles. Help us create this world. Turtle, Turtle.

 

Sincerely,

Chester A. Arthur (no relation)

President of the National Organization of Turtles

 

Younger More Successful People by The Shock T’s

New video I shot from The Shock T’s

 

Letter From My Cousin Jesse to the C.E.O. of Netflix Instant

Dear Mr. Hastings,

I have several complaints about your Netflix streaming service. As an average red blooded American male from Fresno, California. I like my beer cold and (I assure you no matter what the other fellas in church choir say) my pussy warm. I like Arena League Football and Minor League Baseball. For the most part I enjoy your service. I like the amount of stuff you have that features John Cena and The Undertaker (THE STREAK WILL NEVER DIE). I appreciate that you have ancient aliens available to me because that is the kind of thing Barack Huessein Obama doesn’t want us to know about.

My real issue with your service all stems back to this Saturday night. I was about to settle in for the night on the love seat (don’t know why my wife calls it that, ain’t no love in our bedroom certainly ain’t no love in that seat) and watch some Ice Road Muther Truckers on my X-Box Netflix (my gamer tag is XXMUDFLAPPSXX is you want to play some COD – I’m all prestiged out like a champ) I was looking around at stuff you think I might like on your instant service and it said Bruno. Now I liked Borat that movie is hilarious because that dude talks like people in Mexico do. You would think Bruno would be more of the same right, WRONG. I was horrified. There is men kissing on each other and stuff. DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS CONTENT IS ON YOUR SERVICE?  Seriously man. What kind of filth are you pumping into my home? I get that you maybe got other kinds of people that like movies and stuff but not in my house, No Sir.

The idea that you thought this would be something that I might like is offensive. I like watching dudes drive around on the ice, live on boats together for months at a time looking for crabs, and professional world wide wrestling entertainment. I do not, appreciate having it suggested that I like gay stuff. I mean I played water polo for a summer once and that was about as close as I think I needed to get. Got me Bro? I had to quit that water polo team because people started complaining that I gave everyone too many back rubs. I guess it was a crime that I wanted the team to be relaxed.

And further more. I couldn’t help but notice that you have a category called Gay and Lesbian on my netflix. I mean, how dare you? I saw one of the movies had Captain Jack Sparrow in it when he was younger. Now that is a real man. He’s a pirate and he uses swords and stuff. I bet no one would care if he gave them a back rub. No one is a bigger man than Cap ‘n’ Jack. But then I turn on the movie and people are singing. You should be required by law to let people know that there may be singing in a film. I am a man.  A man that likes to watch men get oiled up (cause it makes them look cut like real men) and have them lock each other up until they give up and let themselves get pinned. So for you to assume that I would want this kind of content in my home is offensive.

Another issue I have with your “Gay and Lesbian” content is the lesbian stuff is all kinds of boring. Where is the hot stuff? Where is a movie like Showgirls or some of the fine films that come on the Cinemax channel after my wife leaves for her overnight shift at the Dunkin Doughnuts/ Baskin Robbins? After watching several of the “lesbian” films I doubt that some of the lesbians were even women? Have you watched some of these films? The only thing I could think was that some of these “women” are really men like in Tootsie or Jack and Jill? When will those movies be on Netflix? You should have a category just for Adam Sandler films. Those are dope! YOU CAN DO IT AAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH

Since I watched those movies my recommended list is all filled up with stuff that I and my pastor would deem “amoral” when I talk to him in my weekly counseling sessions. He says that everyone has urges and those urges are just Satan trying to get into your heart. How do I turn this stuff off? Can I block it out? I saw something called “The Wiggles” on your service that was labeled for children when it was clearly made for adult men. For shame Mr. Hastings. For Shame. Clean up your Netflix and protect me in home from accidentally clicking on such films as Velvet Goldmine and watching the whole thing when my wife has to work late at the Coffee/Doughnut/Ice Cream store. If you could also get all the Rocky movies on there that would be great too.

Thanks,

Jesse aka XXMUDFLAPPSXX

Disney Films Upcoming Slate from Bob Iger

From the Desk of Bob Iger

Dear Mouse House,

Well we did it. A year ago we were staring dead into the gapping maw of John Carter. Then we had one of the largest hits in the film history with Avengers and this past weekend we tricked America into seeing a Wizard of Oz movie starring up bunch of former CW actors and Cate Blanchett Rachael Weisz. What have we learned? That film is a directors medium and that we should only hire the best. Joss and Sam brought use great success and we hope to duplicate that in the future. So here are some of the pitches we are looking at going forward.

Aladdin – Directed by David Fincher. A dark and gritty take on Aladdin. Rooney Mara plays Alice Din a journalist embedded in modern day Iraq. When running from insurgent gunfire she finds a lamp. She rubs the lamp and is transported to a magic CG world. Her best friend and guide is a talking camel voiced by Kevin Spacey. She has to overthrow the evil Jafar and save the land thereby fulfilling an age old prophecy.

Beauty and the Best – Directed by The Coen Brothers. A dark and gritty comedic take on the story of a women falling in love with a monster. Carry Mulligan plays Belle a young girl working as a bakers assistant. While walking home she is chased by young tuffs and she runs into an abandoned mansion. As she runs inside the floor gives way she falls and is knocked out. When she awakes a CG half man/ half monster voiced by John Turturro. She befriends the beast, his staff of talking candles, plates, arm chairs, and desks. Roles for William Macey, Francis McDormand, John Malkovich, and John Goodman. Belle has to defeat an evil wizard played by Steve Buscemi to free Beast from his spell blah blah prophecy.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Directed by Michael Bay. A Victoria Secret’s model (doesn’t matter which one) plays Gold E. Locks a dancer who is being chased by the russian mob. She flees to the woods and stumbles upon a cottage. She tries beds, porridge, etc but things really heat up when the bears come home and Gold E. discovers their armory. She finds a AR-15 that is just right to make a stand with the bears against the russians fulling a prophecy or something. Bears will be CG and played by Jamie Foxx, Kevin Heart, and Scarlet Johansson. They fulfill a magic prophecy and then the ninja turtles show up.

Rumpelstiltskin – Directed by Seth McFarlane – Seth plays all the voices, there is a prophecy, which reminds me of that prophecy from that one show or movie from the 80’s.

Three Little Pigs – Directed by Judd Apatow – Jason Segal, Seth Rogen, and Jonah Hill plays pigs who don’t want to grow up. They smoke a lot of weed and Leslie Mann plays a big bad wolf who wants to blow down their homes and force them to get jobs. They find a magic bong that completes a ancient prophecy.

Jack and the Beanstalk – Directed by Bryan Singer. We will iron out the details later but I think this one could be our biggest hit.

As you can see the possibilities are endless.  We shouldn’t be afraid of the auteur. We have a backlog of public domain fairy tails that we can exploit and as movie funding for smaller, personal, artistically valid films dries up these folks will have nowhere to turn but to big budget studio films. Write it large in the sky.

Filiorum Fabulae pecuniam facere

 

Rand Paul Filibuster Live Blog

Rand

 

I’ve had some complaints about the amount of Star Wars related material I have been doing this week. Thought I would mix it up with a Rand Paul filibuster live blog.

12:00 PM – Just tuned in. I thought Ron Paul was doing a filibuster but it’s his son. Totes bummer. I love Ron because he decided he would rather be a politician than look at another Vagina. For the record I always capitalize Vagina, respect that shit.

12:30PM- Does this guy drone on or what?

1:00PM – Real talk. I have to admit he makes some good points about using drones. The President should only be able to push a button and and kill someone Canadian. I kid, eh.

1:30PM – It’s hard to agree with someone who you traditionally think is slightly nuttier than a squirrel’s turd.

2:00PM –  Well another hour before we equal the time it takes to watch a third of The Lord of the Rings. He really does seem to care about this drone issue. It’s actually commendable

2:30PM -An hour in and he hasn’t mentioned Ayn Rand yet. How about this every time he mentions Ayn Rand we drink.

3:00PM – I swear he just said something about being an architect of the future. I assume this is a Howard Roark allusion. Everyone Drank.

3:30PM – Still going on about robot drones. This is starting to feel like a really deliberately paced Terminator prequel.

4:00PM – My man Rand is in this to win this. Hold up. Potentially, a government is the most dangerous threat to man’s rights: it holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed victims. That had to be either Ayn Rand or Walt Disney…DRANK.

2:15PM – New filibuster drinking game. Every time Marco Rubio drinks, DRANK.

2:30PM – This is almost as long as Dark Knight Rises. How awesome would it be if Rand just started doing his best Bane impression. Oh, you think rhetoric is your ally. But you merely adopted the rhetoric Marco Rubio; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!

2:45PM – In order to get the crowd going Rand just did the opening to Welcome to the Jungle. Who knew the dude could dance like a uh, uh, serpentine he wants to hear you scream.

3:00PM – Hour three in effect. But not Das EFX.

3:15PM – Rand just had Ted Cruz order Papa Johns.

3:30PM – Look I know Papa Johns is the republican pizza of choice but don’t you go Dominos every time? Pizza Tracker would be the best show on CBS, wait hold on he just mentioned that a sense of self is a virtue, DRANK.

4:00PM – Over four hours? At least Branagh’s Hamlet has an intermission. Rand is a real prima donna.

4:30PM – Papa John’s finally got here. Ted and Marco are fighting over the garlic dip.

5:00PM – “I could die for you, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t live for you” not sure if he is quoting Ayn Rand or James Cameron. Either way, DRANK.

5:30PM – Rand is doing what I would best describe as a mix between “The Dougie and “The White Man’s Overbite”. Nope. It’s just the pee pee dance.

6:00PM – I hope 150 years from now Steven Spielberg’s decedents dramatize this moment. I also hope that in 150 years Ben Affleck’s decedents make a movie that is alright but sort of paints Hollywood in a good light and we just give the Oscar to that instead.

6:30PM – Rand has started reading from Twilight now. This shit is dreamy as hell.

7:00PM – Rand promised that if he goes till 11PM he will start reading from 50 Shades of Grey. I can’t wait for The House of Representatives: After Dark

7:30PM – Rand has started to sing Journey and Bon Jovi songs. What is white people’s fascination with Living on a Prayer and Don’t Stop Believing? Don’t you folks know any other songs?

8:00PM – Rand is just recounting meals that he really enjoyed. This dude loves mayonnaise. Not even aioli just straight up mayo.

8:30PM – Yes. Rand. We all like Pina Coladas.

9:00PM – Mitch McConnell looks like he is determined to win every race slow and steady.

9:30PM – You know that one of the only filibusters to last longer than this was when Strom Thurmond argued against civil rights? How angry do you have to be about someone or something to rail against it for 24 hours? There is nothing, not the Star Wars Prequels, not even charging extra for McNugget dipping sauces that I could yell about for more than 10 or so hours. Strom sure hated Black people. Well, except for that one he knocked up. I guess he was good with integration as long as it licked his balls a little.

10:00PM – Ten O’clock and all is boring as hell. Rand has spent the last hour trying to explain why he John Carter of Mars wasn’t a bigger hit. He thinks it comes down to the script and that given the right material Tylor Kitsch could be a huge star. I don’t know. I saw it. I thought the wrap around segments were pretty interesting but the film itself was kind of dull. I didn’t get all the red vs. blue stuff. Is Mark Strong only in bad movies?

10:30PM – Hold Up. Rand just pointed out that Mark Strong was really good in Tinker Tailer Soldier Spy and Zero Dark Thirty. I guess. But I feel like anyone could have played those roles.

11:00PM – Dudez. I am super sleepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

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11:00PM – Sorry about that. This is just so boring. Look, I completely agree with what he is arguing about but there has to be an easier way to make a point. Why is democracy such a pain in the ass?

11:30PM – So Ted Cruz runs onto the floor and starts screaming about how Pink Berry is closed and if he was going to filibuster about anything it would be that we should legally require Pink Berry to stay open 24 hours a day. Well color me shocked. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day. I can’t argue with this new Pink Berry initiative

12:00AM – It’s tomorrow. This has gone on longer than the ending of Return of the King. This has gone on longer than this years Oscars. This has gone, alright you get it. Analogies aside I mean, we get it Rand. Spy robots armed with missiles are bad. Like worse than Daniel Tosh bad. But like Tosh I don’t know if we will ever be able to stop them.

12:30AM – He’s cut. He’s cut. The Russian is cut. Alright Rand is from Kentucky and he isn’t bleeding but this dude is clearly getting woozy. I can only pray he is winding down.

12:40AM – Thank fuck this tea party robot has a bladder. I thought that wasn’t ever going to end. That felt longer than the last season of Downton Abbey. Is that long? I don’t even know anymore. I feel like I have been in a casino for the last 12 hours. I’ve been up, I’ve been down. I swear at one point I saw Judge Scalia walk through the gallery and flip us all the bird. Who knows? At the end of the day (days, really) I guess Rand was right and I guess we did get to eat Papa Johns. Was this a waste? Who knows? Sometimes it takes a complete jackass to remind you that even the “good guys” can go to far.

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