Dear V-A Party Planning Committee,
Alright, we have a real conundrum on our hands here. Part of our job, well really our only job here at the Vetrans Affairs is to plan parties. Most of the time this sort of thing is easy. Welcome Home, Memorial Day, President’s Day, and all your all American favorites. However this week we got a problem. Word has come down from the higher ups that we need to throw a Iraq War 10 Year Anniversary party. Yeah, I know. The boys upstairs say we don’t have a choice. So I have started brainstorming some ideas on how to throw the best darn Operation Iraqi Liberation 10 Year Anniversary Party the Decatur VA has ever seen. We are going to tie one (yellow ribbon) on (the old oak tree).
Kurds and Whey – Worse case scenario we put out a tub of cottage cheese. But here at the Decatur VA we are a whole heck of a lot better than that. Think about our options. Just the use of curds alone opens up a world of possibilities. I think it only fair to use the curds to poutine to honor our Canadian brothers who fought along side of us. Deep Fried curds. Be real careful with the spelling on this one. Fried curds are delicious. Fried Kurds are a painful reminder of this brutal war.
Hummus – Again check the spelling on this. Every time we serve it some joker always changes the sign to Hamas. I know it’s you Dale. Just put the dip out. Chickpeas are delicious.
General Tommy Franks and Beans – Hot Dogs, Beans, and Freedom. Is there anything more American than that?
Taliban-ana Cream Pie – It’s as much fun to say as it is to eat.
Top Ramandan – Alright. This one could be a little offensive. Maybe we don’t put this one out. Is this offensive? Is there someone we could ask? Maybe look on Yahoo Answers.
Look I know how uncomfortable everyone is about celebrating this but we have to. You know how these guys are. If they want to do something there is no talking to anyone. I told them I have proof real valid proof that it might offend the boys. Like I said. You know these guys proof or no proof they just want to throw a party.
How about some board games for the boys? We need to avoid the following games; Risk, Settlers of Catan, Battleship, Talaban-agrams (sorry I couldn’t resist), Life, Sorry. Maybe we just stick to Connect Four and Candyland.
If possible we would like to avoid any films that feature war, guns, fighting, violence, graphic sex, toilet humor, politics, and of course the films fo Woody Allen (not sure why this one comes down from the boys upstairs as well). This leaves us with only a few options. I hope the boys look forward to watching The Legend of Bagger Vance again. It will be a hole in one.
Now look. I get it. This party seems to be in bad taste. But they claim the money we spend having the party will stimulate the local Decatur economy. They seem to think that if we spend the for the party we will be able to get the economy back on it’s feet.
We sent out a lot of invites on this one and haven’t gotten the kind of response we were looking for. As it stands it looks like we don’t have a very willing coalition. There has been a serious outcry from some of our previous guests that this party is being held under false pretense. Some people are saying the anniversary isn’t even correct. Some of these jerks claim we won’t listen to anyone and just go ahead and throw a party whenever we want. To that I say, you better believe it! We are the goddamn Decatur goddamn VA. Our parties have been a boon to the entire town time and time again. Sure it’s been 60 years since we had a great party but that doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying. If we just quit whenever it got tough to throw a party that would make us no different from Mrs. Anderson’s French club. Those dopes couldn’t throw a party on their own if their lives depended on it.
I expect everyone to turn out. We will see you this Saturday. Rain or shine. We currently budgeted at $300 for the parties but I don’t think anyone will have a problem if we end up spending and extra three to four thousand dollars.