Dear Dad,

Hey. Pete said you were out of the office. I wonder if you had a couple minutes, I have some things I think we need to discuss before I head back. I have had such a good time at your place even without you around much. What should I expect at mover 30 years of neglect. But, the food is good, and I certainly don’t miss the constant ` back home. Dad, God, please don’t make me go back to earth. Those people are a bunch of cocks.

Look it was bad enough you knocked mom up and then just split. Plenty of guys I know never met their dads. But to not even send a couple pieces of gold so I could get new sandals? YOU WERE NEVER THERE DAD. Joe was alright but he had his own problems. To be honest I never got the sense he was really that into me being around. I can’t blame him I mean, he’s a carpenter and the proverbial second guy at the dance. Tough competing with the Lord of all creation, the personification of the infinite, who can magically knock up his wife by thinking about it. You don’t think every time mom missed her moon cycle he wasn’t worried that you got another wild hair up your infinite ass?

Also, while we are at it can I get a straight answer on that whole thing? I deserve to know if you are really my dad. At least give me an idea on your medical history. Does diabetes, cancer, or high blood pressure run in the family? Do I get to live forever like you or is it one of those I get to live forever in everyone’s hearts? Don’t bullshit me on this immortality stuff you old so and so. My knee always hurts right before it rains, do you have something like that? Also I have a unibrow, does that run on our side of the family? Thanks for that one. Do I even have another side of the family or is just you? Do I have a Grandpa God? Whatever, I know you will just say the same thing you always do. “I am your father and I am infallible, my truths are all truths, la di fucking da.” Would it kill you to throw me a bone once and awhile?

Also if you can make and do whatever you want could you have it rain something tastier than some dry ass bread when me and the boys get hungry? How about some lamb kabobs? Shit, I would settle for an afternoon shower of pita chips and hummus. Help me out. It’s not like spreading your word pays very well. Do you know how many people in the world will follow you around the desert if you don’t pay them? 12. Exactly 12. And a hooker. Which, I mean. How good a hooker are you if you will work for free? I am always telling Mary, you have to know what you are worth. And, as I found out a couple of days ago my life is worth 30 pieces of silver. Maybe if you could have shook out your cosmic couch for, oh, I don’t know 31 maybe 32 pieces of silver I wouldn’t have had to spend the weekend at your place DAD.

Was that fun for you? It wasn’t fun for me. The only thing I enjoy less than being dead and spending time at your place is, well, HANGING ON THE GODDAMN CROSS FOR  COUPLE OF HOURS. So, yes. Next to having nails driven through my hands and feet, wearing a crown of thorns, carrying my own cross in the hot ass sun, spending the weekend with you doesn’t seem so bad. So if that was your plan, mission accomplished. At any point maybe you could have stepped in and called that whole thing off. I kept saying to myself after every step up the hill, Dad will show up, he will fix this, there is no way he hangs me out to dry this time. BUT no. I was literally HUNG OUT TO DRY. Nailed to a 2×4 in the middle of the day next to a bunch of liars and thieves. What was my crime, pop? Going door to door selling something people don’t want? By that logic they should nail up every single traveling pottery salesmen.

I can’t believe you are sending me back to earth. What do you think is going to happen this time? Oh, Jesus, we are sorry. We ran the numbers again and boy howdy did we make a mistake. All that time you were just preaching was that people should be decent to one another. Treat others how you want to be treated and all that. Sure, it seemed radical at the time but having had the weekend to think about it, you totally have a point. Best of luck in all your future endeavors. FAT FUCKING CHANCE DAD.

Last I heard my body is buried in cave. So right away I have to push move a bolder all on my own. Could you send Gabe or somebody to give me a hand with that? Then what? I roll into town, HEY GUYS, it’s me Jesus. I know proclaiming I was the son of god really pissed you off before but guess what I can come back from the dead as well. That will go over like a lead fucking ballon. By the way. Maybe we could explain to the humans what lead is? I am almost positive these roman dopes are using it to make all their mugs. I am positive it’s messing with their heads. You have to be one of the laziest deities in all of creation, you know that. It’s bad enough you weren’t there for me but do you have to be the universes dead beat dad? Where is this coming from? Man UP.

Well I guess I have bitched enough for a whole lifetime, but guess what? I AM IMMORTAL so expect the complaining to continue. Look I don’t mean to bust your chops too hard, it’s just I don’t think these dopes deserve all this. Even know I get the feeling they are confusing what I say. I tried to keep it simple but I have heard other people twisting my words and using my name to commit all sorts of nonsense. And I have only been doing this for a couple of years. Can you imagine the game of spiritual whispers that could happen if this thing really catches on? It’s like that game you play at birthday parties where I whisper banana into someones ear and by the time it gets back to you thousands of years later banana is “STRIKE DOWN THOSE WHO OPOSE YOU AND BELITTLE AND INTIMIDATE ALL THOSE WHO ARE JUST A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT FROM YOU”. I know that is how this is going to turn out. We can’t trust these creeps to keep it clean.

Oh well. Pete says it’s time for me to go. I hope you read this. Sorry I came off as so terse. It’s been a long couple of days. See you soon. When I get back maybe we could grab a chalice of wine or something? Ashes to Ashes and all that.

 

Your Son,

J