Dear Home Box Officers,
Great news. Just got the ratings for our Phil Spector movie. It’s a hit. Now we don’t release ratings so I can’t give you the exact numbers but believe you me, IT’S BIG. The people have spoken and that voice says, “Give me overwrought 90 minute movies featuring fading stars playing creeps in wigs”. It’s also no secret how important my buddy little Davey Mamet was to the entire process. When he walked into my office and said, “You cock sucking fat cat, give me, yes, give me, the chance to tell, a…no…this story.” I had to say yes. I love that crazy bastard.
We have Steven Soderbergh coming up next month with Michael Douglas playing Liberace. But we need more. So it’s up to HBO to keep these things coming out a regular clip and I am only to happy to deliver. Here are some of the pitches we are looking at.
Oliver Stone directs the Tommy Lee Jones in Life Won’t Wait: The Tom Waits story. Written by Joel Coen. Tommy Lee Jones mumbles his way through the story of fading star dealing with what happens when someone pretends to be a mumbling old man his whole and life wakes up one morning to find he is indeed a mumbling old man. We are going to focus specifically on Tom hearing ScarJo belting out his tunes and the creeping realization that his entire song catalogue is atrocious.
William Friedkin directs Christopher Walken in All Out of Love: The Mike Love Story written by Tracey Letts. We tell the story of Mike Love firing all the other Beach Boys and his life on tour. Letts brings his personal touch of dysfunction to a story of the bad vibrations that are ripping a family apart.
Lars Von Trier directs Christoph Waltz in Shredded: The Yngwie Malmsteen story. Entire script to be improvised live on stage. The story of Sweedish guitar phenom coming to grips with carpal tunnel syndrome. The production will take place in the round at the Danish National Theater. Von Trier is requiring Waltz to play all his own guitar parts. Cast will be nude. Maybe we can pair this with an episode of Cathouse late at night.
Michael Apted directs Gary Oldman in But Who Are You: The Pete Townshend Story. Script by Tom Stoppard. The story of Pete’s arrest on child pornography charges and the ensuing fallout. Stoppard tells the story from the point of view of roadies for The Who to be played by Timothy Spall and Paddy Considine. We get Pete’s story from the men on the edges of his life. Working class blokes who drift in and out of the larger morality play.
Roman Polanski directs Tilda Swinton in Thin White Puke: The David Bowie Story. Written by Duncan Jones. Iman to be played by Beyonce. After a heart attack David Bowie quietly contemplates retiring from music all together. Watch as Ziggy Stardust spends his days puttering around the garden, making tea, and watching Big Brother UK. As rumors of his impending death swirl Bowie begins to plan his comeback. Panic leads to crippling stomach pain and near constant vomiting. We have to film the whole thing in Romania due to Roman’s ongoing troubles. Hey, think of the tax break.
Prince directs Chris Tucker in Purple Pain: The Story of Prince. To be written by Prince. Prince sent me the pitch for this by carrier pigeon. I guess he had to get an appendectomy last year. He never told anyone but he thinks it could make a great movie. He says if I film it he will play a six hour show when my wife and I renew our vows this summer in St. Lucia. Fuck, whatever man. SIX HOURS OF PRINCE.
As you can see there is no shortage of directors looking to suckle at the premium cable teat and nut ball musicians with a story to tell. We get the cover of EW every single time we shoot one of these and we have to show something now that we cancelled Enlightened. We haven’t had a new hit show since Game of Thrones. Remember it’s not TV it’s HBO. And if it’s up to me HBO will be nothing but dramatizations of Behind the Music.