Dear Ms. Swinton,
My name is Nathaniel Harrington and I am President and Head Curator of the MoMa. I writing you this letter to inform you that though we appreciate your work in such films as Constantine, The Chronicles of Narnia, and of course The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (is Brad Pitt retarded in real life, you have to let me know, I am almost positive he must be dumb) YOU CANNOT JUST SLEEP WHEREVER YOU LIKE. This is a museum not a Motel 6.
What gives you the right to just lay down and sleep in a museum especially one as prestigious as the MoMa? We are home to such works as Starry Night, I and the Village, and the Persistence of Memory. What we are not home to is vagrant actors who believe they can sleep wherever their head can find purchase. How dare you Ms. Swinton. We are tired of this behaviour and will not tolerate it or encourage it. This is indeed a slippery slope.
I have been contacted the heads of several other prestigious museums around the world and have been alerted that you have pulled these kind of stunts before. You are a very respected and successful actor. Can you not afford to sleep in a hotel? Have you tried Priceline or Kayak? They have very reasonable deals and I believe that someone of your stature should be staying in a hotel and not just sleeping inside a museum like some kind of hobo trying to get out of the cold.
This recent lapse of judgement on your part has led to a sea of problems in museums across the globe. Jude Law has started barbecuing sausages in Louvre, Johnny Depp has taken to bathing in the fountain outside the National Gallery in London, and I am remiss to mention the kinds of things that James Franco is attempting in The Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. Can you imagine what James Franco is like when he smokes dope and walks into a museum. If you could do us all a favor maybe you could have a word with James and let him know that no one is amused or impressed with his antics? You actors must all talk to each other from time to time.
Those of us who run these public museums and galleries refuse to be taken advantage of by actors such as yourself run amok. We will not be held hostage as you nap the day away because you are too cheap to find appropriate lodging. It is enough that we as a public pretend to care about the political views of the Hollywood elite when in fact all we are hoping for is to glimpse the side of your breast or a flash of your little Swinton as you exit a limousine.
We are more than happy to indulge you to a point. We will humor you when you all decide to write and direct your own films because you need to “express” your self. We will cheer when you put out an album of covers of songs by Tom Waits or Leonard Cohen. In return all we ask is that you do the occasional comic book movie and be likeable in your appearances on both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. This is the compact that we have all entered into together. But your insistence on sleeping in public spaces is just going to far. So please. Tilda. Stop.
President and Head Curator of the MoMa
PS That David Bowie video was pretty great.
PPS However I didn’t really care for the album. I mean I get it. We all thought he was going to die last year and then it turns out he is fine and he made a new album with Tony Visconti. Great. I guess. But the album isn’t that great and I don’t understand why everyone is tripping all over themselves to laud it as some kind of masterpiece. We have done this before, I think we all remember when he got into Drum and Bass. Oh, well. Whatever. Stop sleeping in my museum you ginger creep. J/K I love your work.
PPPS But seriously stop sleeping here. I mean it.