It’s me Robert J. Bentley Governor of the great state of Alabama. Now as the Governor I have dealt with many a crisis. I know it’s become fashionable to mock Alabama as a backwards and antiquated part of this here U-nit-ed States. I have written this open letter to let everyone know that though we may be known for leading the Union in racism, bigotry, and a general lack of education what I feel the greatest problem facing us is our association with a certain musical group. I speak of course of Alabama Shakes. I think by removing this band and their loose association with our state we can rectify many of the problems facing us today.
Now I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to name a band so awful after something as lovely as the state of Alabama but I aim to publicly disavow any connection between my state and that band. I realize that most people think of Alabama as a less refined version of Florida but that doesn’t mean we have anything to do with that terrible, awful no good band, Alabama Shakes. I can’t emphasize this enough. This is the sort of music one expects from Mississippi.
In 2010 Alabama was 40th in education. I find it to be no coincidence that at this time the members of Alabama Shakes were attending East Limestone High School. Recently in a 2012 survey Alabama rose 6 places to 34th in education. Alabama Shakes was finally out of school and no longer a drain on our educational system, dragging our state wide average down six whole places. I have it on good authority that these dumb-dumbs would cut class and listen to The Doors and John Fogerty solo records all day long. That’s right. Not even Creedence. Just Center Field, over and over and over again. The simple act of these clod hopping mongoloids aging out of our educational system has been a boon to the state and an unfortunate plague on the rest of the country.
Alabama may have the third highest rate of obesity in America but I know if we just kicked the bass player, the singer, and the drummer out of Alabama for good this would possibly bump us down to 8th. Take that Wisconsin. I know what your saying three people can’t make that much of a difference. Well have you seen these guys? It looks like an evil witch turned The Rock-A-Fire Explosion into real boys and girls. We will no longer tolerate them pushing the median weight of Alabama any higher. My Daddy’s cousin on his mother’s side runs a dinner out by Route 178 and claims that the band came in one day while on tour and ate everything in the entire place. Described them as a pack of wild voracious dogs. I feel this is an unfortunate comparison because I have heard many a dog that at least could howl in tune. Would it kill this band to try an Alabama Salad?
The Alabama of today is place that is working hard to correct the misconceptions of it’s past. Our horrible history is littered with controversial figure like George Wallace yet there is no greater threat to the modern image of Alabama then the band, Alabama Shakes. Their brand of faux southern rock is insidious and awful. We have to stop them before they create something that could outlive them and be played in jukeboxes in the decades to come. Who amongst us has not be trapped in a bar when some wise acre plays Freebird back to back with Hotel California. That is where we are headed with this band. Is there anyway that their next album doesn’t feature 7-9 minute long southern “epics” as they try and prove how much they have “matured” with future releasees? Stopping this band today is the only way to ensure you can drink in piece tomorrow at your favorite dive bar.
I have worked hard in my tenure as Governor to improve the conditions of the average Alabamanian. Yep. That’s right. We call ourselves Alabamanians. As long as we work to disassociate ourselves with these boring, talentless, fakers, Alabama Shakes we can ensure that you think only now us as the home of Charles Barkley, Hammerin’ Hank Aaron, and of course Bo Bice. That kid can sing. Let us be known as the birthplace of Courtney Cox and not the birthplace of tone deaf caterwauling imitation southern rock. All the best.
It was Edmund Burke who said “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Well this elected official is doing the best he can to stop the evil that is Alabama Shakes.