Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Date: March 13, 2013

My Veronica Mars Kickstarter

I was so inspired by the speed at which people let a giant company like Warner Brothers know that they don’t need to spend money making movies anymore. As fans we don’t just have to spend 15 dollars at the movies to anymore to support the things we like. We can also help pay to get them made before hand and then pay again to see them when they are released. What a great time to be alive.

In the spirit of Veronica Mars I thought it was time for me to get Kickstartin. I am looking to raise ONE MILLION dollars, that’s right. Just like Lil’ Wayne. I know what you’re saying “Mark, you would just blow that money on crap like you always do.” To that I say, “YES!” and here is the crap I would blow it on. Why should I work hard when you folks can pay for me to do whatever I want. As the great sage Vince Neil once said, “Oh, fuck. I think he’s dead, KICKSTART MY HEART.”

  • 50K I will read all the books I have been meaning to. Gravity’s Rainbow, done. Ulysses  finished. Infinite Jest, I was going to make a joke here with a footnote but I haven’t read the book yet so I can’t be sure that would be either accurate or appropriate satire. See I should read more. I think I just used two words that are cinnamons  HELP ME READ AND WRIT GOODER AND THINGS.
  • 100K – The books get read. Then I will watch all those movies I have been meaning to see. I was reading about Stalker yesterday and I can’t believe I haven’t seen it. Come to think of it, other than bits of Solaris I haven’t seen any Tarkovsky. What am I doing with my life? Help me out.
  • 150K – Books, Movies, and now a vacation. With 150K I can really take some time off and see some things. I was thinking about driving across the U.S. first. Then flying from LA to Southeast Asia. I have seen a few places but I haven’t ever been to Angkor Watt. Can you imagine how awesome it would be to see Angkor Watt as the sun came up? That would really be something.
  • 200K – Books, Movies, Travel, and I would buy an old ambulance and make it look like the ghostbusters car. Is this a good idea? Not really. But it’s the kind of thing you can expect from once we start hitting the bigger numbers.
  •  250K – At this point I will pay off my students loans. They actually aren’t that much. But if I payed off the loans before reading, watching movies, traveling, or building the ghostbusters car WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF KICKSTARTING?
  • 300K – Books, movies, travel, car, loans, and now I will pay Kevin Smith 50K to not make Clerks 3. See I used to love Kevin Smith movies and I enjoy some of what he does today. He seems like a good dude. But I don’t think he needs to make Clerks 3. Try something else. It’s scary to make something new but sometimes you have to challenge yourself. I want to help you Kev. Is 50K worth it to save an artist’s life? Yeah, yeah it is.
  • 350K – Books, movies, travel, car, loans, Clerks 3, and now to really indulge myself. I want to offer 50K to anyone who can get me a copy of “The Day the Clown Cried”. I’m sure it’s a terrible movie but I have to know what Jerry Lewis was up to. Why won’t he let us see it? What is so appalling? Does he really lead a bunch of kids into a gas chamber dressed as a clown? I have to know. I feel like Fox Mulder sometimes with this film. The clown is out there.
  • 400K – All that other stuff and I would just save this 50K. I don’t know buy gold or something. I hear it never goes down in value and that when the world ends I can use it to but canned tuna or something, right?
  • 450K – You know what? Let’s take the previous 50K add it to this and make our own Veronica Mars movie. One of us has to know someone who is a better actress than Kristen Bell. She seems super nice but come on? We can do better. Plus, isn’t Rob Thomas’ music enough why does this guy get to make a movie as well?
  • 500K – Books, movies, travel, loans, GB Car, Clerks 3, Veronica Mars movie shot on my SLR and then I would use some of this money to buy you all ice cream. Everyone likes ice cream, right? Sprinkles. Everyone also gets sprinkles.
  • 550K – That previous junk. Plus, how about this? I would offer My Bloody Valentine 50K to put out a new album. How long has it been since Loveless came out? We are due. I bet for 50k Kevin Shields can finish this album and get it to us.
  • 600K – So it’s come to my attention that MBV did in fact release a new album. Great. I am going to pocket that 50K. Maybe buy an unopened box of Marvel Masterpiece trading cards. Remember those? Man that was some good art. I bet a box of those would be worth something one day. That seems like the kind of thing Nic Cage would own a bunch of. I bet I can buy it off him. He needs money, right?
  • 650K – Books, movies, travel, car, loans, Clerks, VM movie, trading cards and how about, uh, a house? This will be enough for the land but it will take a few more levels before I can truly build the kind of home I want.
  • 700K – This is enough to build my home. I would have all sorts of bookshelves that turned around and lead to secret passages. Staircases that turn into slides. A room built like the moon room in revenge of the nerds. I promise to not use for any sort of sexy times (wink).
  • 750K – I would build a batcave. Giant penny, dinosaur, waterfalls, it would be eerily accurate. I would hire JGL to come and hang out to be Robin. We all know he was Robin.
  • 800K – Skip some of the earlier stuff and use some of this money to clone my cat. He’s a good cat. You would like him. I would be really sad if he died but if we cloned him, no harm, no foul. We can build a new cat, a better cat.
  • 850K – Rent out The Music Box theater in Chicago and make my very own film festival. We would show my version of Veronica Mars as the closing film. The rest would be All the Mad Max movies, All the Evil Dead Movies, and The Sound of Music.
  • 900K – A real doll. Now I wouldn’t use it for sexy times. That is kind of weird. But what I would do is dress her up in overalls and then sew another pair of overalls to it and wear both around. I would tell everyone I am a fraternal Siamese twin but my sister is in a coma and that they can’t remove her or we both would die. I saw an episode of Real Sex once with a real doll and some people really bought into it. Time to test out how understanding people can be.
  • 950K – A lifetime pass to Golden Corral. Look sometimes I have trouble thinking big. They have a chocolate fountain and all you can eat popcorn shrimp. I would never have to go to Jewel again. I bet they have soft serve. The options are limitless  I should mention this post is sponsored by the good people at Golden Corral. Golden Corral – It’s the next best thing to eatin’ from a trough. 
  • A MIlli – I would use this money to buy tickets to movies I want to see. I would use it to  buy books I wanted to read. I would use it to go to concerts and buy music. What I wouldn’t use it is to fund a focus group from a giant corporation  If you like something by all means support it. But kickstarting a movie for some fucking multinational is just gross.

 

 

 

 

A Letter From N.O.T. (National Organization of Turtles)

Good Day,

I am sending this letter to the heads of any and all broadcast channels. My name is Chester A. Arthur (no relation) and I am President of the National Organization of Turtles. Did you know that 10% of household pets are turtles? Turtles have lived on this planet for over 220 million years. Are you aware that turtles can be found on almost every continent of this big beautiful world. But do you know where turtles can’t be found? On your televisions shows, either in front of or behind the camera.

For shame. We demand that turtles be featured in prime time programming on all major networks. We demand turtle news anchors and sportscasters. We demand turtles get the representation they deserve in the vast media landscape. When is the last time you saw a turtle as a positive role model in the modern media? Let me stop you before you can say cowabunga, dude.

Were the ninja turtles even close to a positive role model? They were portrayed as immature, pizza eating, thugs. Led by a rat? The assumption that a rat could be the better of a turtle in either form or fashion is ridiculous. I have met many rats in my day and few of them are worth the trap you would lay out for them. Even if you feel that these so called ninja turtles were the kind of role model that the world needed it still doesn’t change the fact that not a single turtle is the lead on a single show today. How have you fallen so far?

This speaks to a larger issue. Are there any turtles writing and producing your television? Do you have any turtles in development at your channels? Can a single turtle be found anywhere on set? I imagine the answer is no. Who’s fault is this? Yours and yours alone.

Here at N.O.T. we realize that turtles have traditionally been portrayed as slow both physically and mentally. This is a complete fallacy that your media continues to perpetuate. How better to change this stereotype than by featuring turtles in prominent roles on your television programs? When was the last time you got out of your cloistered world and spoke to a real live turtle? I bet it has been longer than you care to admit. As long as you continue to portray turtles in the media as being stupid and sluggish what hope does the noble turtle have?

I have sent a similar letter to the heads of the University of Maryland. I find the terrapin to be a demeaning caricature. How would you feel if the your face was plastered on countless pieces of merchandise without your input?

As you begin to pick up pilots this year for broadcast ask yourself do your shows pass the Yertle test? Are there two turtles in your show? Who talk to each other? About something other than pizza or karate? I dream of a world full of shows featuring positive and honest representations of turtles. Help us create this world. Turtle, Turtle.

 

Sincerely,

Chester A. Arthur (no relation)

President of the National Organization of Turtles

 

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