Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Date: March 12, 2013

Younger More Successful People by The Shock T’s

New video I shot from The Shock T’s

 

Letter From My Cousin Jesse to the C.E.O. of Netflix Instant

Dear Mr. Hastings,

I have several complaints about your Netflix streaming service. As an average red blooded American male from Fresno, California. I like my beer cold and (I assure you no matter what the other fellas in church choir say) my pussy warm. I like Arena League Football and Minor League Baseball. For the most part I enjoy your service. I like the amount of stuff you have that features John Cena and The Undertaker (THE STREAK WILL NEVER DIE). I appreciate that you have ancient aliens available to me because that is the kind of thing Barack Huessein Obama doesn’t want us to know about.

My real issue with your service all stems back to this Saturday night. I was about to settle in for the night on the love seat (don’t know why my wife calls it that, ain’t no love in our bedroom certainly ain’t no love in that seat) and watch some Ice Road Muther Truckers on my X-Box Netflix (my gamer tag is XXMUDFLAPPSXX is you want to play some COD – I’m all prestiged out like a champ) I was looking around at stuff you think I might like on your instant service and it said Bruno. Now I liked Borat that movie is hilarious because that dude talks like people in Mexico do. You would think Bruno would be more of the same right, WRONG. I was horrified. There is men kissing on each other and stuff. DO YOU KNOW THAT THIS CONTENT IS ON YOUR SERVICE?  Seriously man. What kind of filth are you pumping into my home? I get that you maybe got other kinds of people that like movies and stuff but not in my house, No Sir.

The idea that you thought this would be something that I might like is offensive. I like watching dudes drive around on the ice, live on boats together for months at a time looking for crabs, and professional world wide wrestling entertainment. I do not, appreciate having it suggested that I like gay stuff. I mean I played water polo for a summer once and that was about as close as I think I needed to get. Got me Bro? I had to quit that water polo team because people started complaining that I gave everyone too many back rubs. I guess it was a crime that I wanted the team to be relaxed.

And further more. I couldn’t help but notice that you have a category called Gay and Lesbian on my netflix. I mean, how dare you? I saw one of the movies had Captain Jack Sparrow in it when he was younger. Now that is a real man. He’s a pirate and he uses swords and stuff. I bet no one would care if he gave them a back rub. No one is a bigger man than Cap ‘n’ Jack. But then I turn on the movie and people are singing. You should be required by law to let people know that there may be singing in a film. I am a man.  A man that likes to watch men get oiled up (cause it makes them look cut like real men) and have them lock each other up until they give up and let themselves get pinned. So for you to assume that I would want this kind of content in my home is offensive.

Another issue I have with your “Gay and Lesbian” content is the lesbian stuff is all kinds of boring. Where is the hot stuff? Where is a movie like Showgirls or some of the fine films that come on the Cinemax channel after my wife leaves for her overnight shift at the Dunkin Doughnuts/ Baskin Robbins? After watching several of the “lesbian” films I doubt that some of the lesbians were even women? Have you watched some of these films? The only thing I could think was that some of these “women” are really men like in Tootsie or Jack and Jill? When will those movies be on Netflix? You should have a category just for Adam Sandler films. Those are dope! YOU CAN DO IT AAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAH

Since I watched those movies my recommended list is all filled up with stuff that I and my pastor would deem “amoral” when I talk to him in my weekly counseling sessions. He says that everyone has urges and those urges are just Satan trying to get into your heart. How do I turn this stuff off? Can I block it out? I saw something called “The Wiggles” on your service that was labeled for children when it was clearly made for adult men. For shame Mr. Hastings. For Shame. Clean up your Netflix and protect me in home from accidentally clicking on such films as Velvet Goldmine and watching the whole thing when my wife has to work late at the Coffee/Doughnut/Ice Cream store. If you could also get all the Rocky movies on there that would be great too.

Thanks,

Jesse aka XXMUDFLAPPSXX

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