From the Desk of Bob Iger
Dear Mouse House,
Well we did it. A year ago we were staring dead into the gapping maw of John Carter. Then we had one of the largest hits in the film history with Avengers and this past weekend we tricked America into seeing a Wizard of Oz movie starring up bunch of former CW actors and
Cate Blanchett Rachael Weisz. What have we learned? That film is a directors medium and that we should only hire the best. Joss and Sam brought use great success and we hope to duplicate that in the future. So here are some of the pitches we are looking at going forward.
Aladdin – Directed by David Fincher. A dark and gritty take on Aladdin. Rooney Mara plays Alice Din a journalist embedded in modern day Iraq. When running from insurgent gunfire she finds a lamp. She rubs the lamp and is transported to a magic CG world. Her best friend and guide is a talking camel voiced by Kevin Spacey. She has to overthrow the evil Jafar and save the land thereby fulfilling an age old prophecy.
Beauty and the Best – Directed by The Coen Brothers. A dark and gritty comedic take on the story of a women falling in love with a monster. Carry Mulligan plays Belle a young girl working as a bakers assistant. While walking home she is chased by young tuffs and she runs into an abandoned mansion. As she runs inside the floor gives way she falls and is knocked out. When she awakes a CG half man/ half monster voiced by John Turturro. She befriends the beast, his staff of talking candles, plates, arm chairs, and desks. Roles for William Macey, Francis McDormand, John Malkovich, and John Goodman. Belle has to defeat an evil wizard played by Steve Buscemi to free Beast from his spell blah blah prophecy.
Goldilocks and the Three Bears – Directed by Michael Bay. A Victoria Secret’s model (doesn’t matter which one) plays Gold E. Locks a dancer who is being chased by the russian mob. She flees to the woods and stumbles upon a cottage. She tries beds, porridge, etc but things really heat up when the bears come home and Gold E. discovers their armory. She finds a AR-15 that is just right to make a stand with the bears against the russians fulling a prophecy or something. Bears will be CG and played by Jamie Foxx, Kevin Heart, and Scarlet Johansson. They fulfill a magic prophecy and then the ninja turtles show up.
Rumpelstiltskin – Directed by Seth McFarlane – Seth plays all the voices, there is a prophecy, which reminds me of that prophecy from that one show or movie from the 80’s.
Three Little Pigs – Directed by Judd Apatow – Jason Segal, Seth Rogen, and Jonah Hill plays pigs who don’t want to grow up. They smoke a lot of weed and Leslie Mann plays a big bad wolf who wants to blow down their homes and force them to get jobs. They find a magic bong that completes a ancient prophecy.
Jack and the Beanstalk – Directed by Bryan Singer. We will iron out the details later but I think this one could be our biggest hit.
As you can see the possibilities are endless. We shouldn’t be afraid of the auteur. We have a backlog of public domain fairy tails that we can exploit and as movie funding for smaller, personal, artistically valid films dries up these folks will have nowhere to turn but to big budget studio films. Write it large in the sky.
Filiorum Fabulae pecuniam facere