I’ve had some complaints about the amount of Star Wars related material I have been doing this week. Thought I would mix it up with a Rand Paul filibuster live blog.
12:00 PM – Just tuned in. I thought Ron Paul was doing a filibuster but it’s his son. Totes bummer. I love Ron because he decided he would rather be a politician than look at another Vagina. For the record I always capitalize Vagina, respect that shit.
12:30PM- Does this guy drone on or what?
1:00PM – Real talk. I have to admit he makes some good points about using drones. The President should only be able to push a button and and kill someone Canadian. I kid, eh.
1:30PM – It’s hard to agree with someone who you traditionally think is slightly nuttier than a squirrel’s turd.
2:00PM – Well another hour before we equal the time it takes to watch a third of The Lord of the Rings. He really does seem to care about this drone issue. It’s actually commendable
2:30PM -An hour in and he hasn’t mentioned Ayn Rand yet. How about this every time he mentions Ayn Rand we drink.
3:00PM – I swear he just said something about being an architect of the future. I assume this is a Howard Roark allusion. Everyone Drank.
3:30PM – Still going on about robot drones. This is starting to feel like a really deliberately paced Terminator prequel.
4:00PM – My man Rand is in this to win this. Hold up. Potentially, a government is the most dangerous threat to man’s rights: it holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed victims. That had to be either Ayn Rand or Walt Disney…DRANK.
2:15PM – New filibuster drinking game. Every time Marco Rubio drinks, DRANK.
2:30PM – This is almost as long as Dark Knight Rises. How awesome would it be if Rand just started doing his best Bane impression. Oh, you think rhetoric is your ally. But you merely adopted the rhetoric Marco Rubio; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!
2:45PM – In order to get the crowd going Rand just did the opening to Welcome to the Jungle. Who knew the dude could dance like a uh, uh, serpentine he wants to hear you scream.
3:00PM – Hour three in effect. But not Das EFX.
3:15PM – Rand just had Ted Cruz order Papa Johns.
3:30PM – Look I know Papa Johns is the republican pizza of choice but don’t you go Dominos every time? Pizza Tracker would be the best show on CBS, wait hold on he just mentioned that a sense of self is a virtue, DRANK.
4:00PM – Over four hours? At least Branagh’s Hamlet has an intermission. Rand is a real prima donna.
4:30PM – Papa John’s finally got here. Ted and Marco are fighting over the garlic dip.
5:00PM – “I could die for you, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t live for you” not sure if he is quoting Ayn Rand or James Cameron. Either way, DRANK.
5:30PM – Rand is doing what I would best describe as a mix between “The Dougie and “The White Man’s Overbite”. Nope. It’s just the pee pee dance.
6:00PM – I hope 150 years from now Steven Spielberg’s decedents dramatize this moment. I also hope that in 150 years Ben Affleck’s decedents make a movie that is alright but sort of paints Hollywood in a good light and we just give the Oscar to that instead.
6:30PM – Rand has started reading from Twilight now. This shit is dreamy as hell.
7:00PM – Rand promised that if he goes till 11PM he will start reading from 50 Shades of Grey. I can’t wait for The House of Representatives: After Dark
7:30PM – Rand has started to sing Journey and Bon Jovi songs. What is white people’s fascination with Living on a Prayer and Don’t Stop Believing? Don’t you folks know any other songs?
8:00PM – Rand is just recounting meals that he really enjoyed. This dude loves mayonnaise. Not even aioli just straight up mayo.
8:30PM – Yes. Rand. We all like Pina Coladas.
9:00PM – Mitch McConnell looks like he is determined to win every race slow and steady.
9:30PM – You know that one of the only filibusters to last longer than this was when Strom Thurmond argued against civil rights? How angry do you have to be about someone or something to rail against it for 24 hours? There is nothing, not the Star Wars Prequels, not even charging extra for McNugget dipping sauces that I could yell about for more than 10 or so hours. Strom sure hated Black people. Well, except for that one he knocked up. I guess he was good with integration as long as it licked his balls a little.
10:00PM – Ten O’clock and all is boring as hell. Rand has spent the last hour trying to explain why he John Carter of Mars wasn’t a bigger hit. He thinks it comes down to the script and that given the right material Tylor Kitsch could be a huge star. I don’t know. I saw it. I thought the wrap around segments were pretty interesting but the film itself was kind of dull. I didn’t get all the red vs. blue stuff. Is Mark Strong only in bad movies?
10:30PM – Hold Up. Rand just pointed out that Mark Strong was really good in Tinker Tailer Soldier Spy and Zero Dark Thirty. I guess. But I feel like anyone could have played those roles.
11:00PM – Dudez. I am super sleepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp
11:00PM – Sorry about that. This is just so boring. Look, I completely agree with what he is arguing about but there has to be an easier way to make a point. Why is democracy such a pain in the ass?
11:30PM – So Ted Cruz runs onto the floor and starts screaming about how Pink Berry is closed and if he was going to filibuster about anything it would be that we should legally require Pink Berry to stay open 24 hours a day. Well color me shocked. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day. I can’t argue with this new Pink Berry initiative
12:00AM – It’s tomorrow. This has gone on longer than the ending of Return of the King. This has gone on longer than this years Oscars. This has gone, alright you get it. Analogies aside I mean, we get it Rand. Spy robots armed with missiles are bad. Like worse than Daniel Tosh bad. But like Tosh I don’t know if we will ever be able to stop them.
12:30AM – He’s cut. He’s cut. The Russian is cut. Alright Rand is from Kentucky and he isn’t bleeding but this dude is clearly getting woozy. I can only pray he is winding down.
12:40AM – Thank fuck this tea party robot has a bladder. I thought that wasn’t ever going to end. That felt longer than the last season of Downton Abbey. Is that long? I don’t even know anymore. I feel like I have been in a casino for the last 12 hours. I’ve been up, I’ve been down. I swear at one point I saw Judge Scalia walk through the gallery and flip us all the bird. Who knows? At the end of the day (days, really) I guess Rand was right and I guess we did get to eat Papa Johns. Was this a waste? Who knows? Sometimes it takes a complete jackass to remind you that even the “good guys” can go to far.