Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Date: March 7, 2013

Rand Paul Filibuster Live Blog

Rand

 

I’ve had some complaints about the amount of Star Wars related material I have been doing this week. Thought I would mix it up with a Rand Paul filibuster live blog.

12:00 PM – Just tuned in. I thought Ron Paul was doing a filibuster but it’s his son. Totes bummer. I love Ron because he decided he would rather be a politician than look at another Vagina. For the record I always capitalize Vagina, respect that shit.

12:30PM- Does this guy drone on or what?

1:00PM – Real talk. I have to admit he makes some good points about using drones. The President should only be able to push a button and and kill someone Canadian. I kid, eh.

1:30PM – It’s hard to agree with someone who you traditionally think is slightly nuttier than a squirrel’s turd.

2:00PM –  Well another hour before we equal the time it takes to watch a third of The Lord of the Rings. He really does seem to care about this drone issue. It’s actually commendable

2:30PM -An hour in and he hasn’t mentioned Ayn Rand yet. How about this every time he mentions Ayn Rand we drink.

3:00PM – I swear he just said something about being an architect of the future. I assume this is a Howard Roark allusion. Everyone Drank.

3:30PM – Still going on about robot drones. This is starting to feel like a really deliberately paced Terminator prequel.

4:00PM – My man Rand is in this to win this. Hold up. Potentially, a government is the most dangerous threat to man’s rights: it holds a legal monopoly on the use of physical force against legally disarmed victims. That had to be either Ayn Rand or Walt Disney…DRANK.

2:15PM – New filibuster drinking game. Every time Marco Rubio drinks, DRANK.

2:30PM – This is almost as long as Dark Knight Rises. How awesome would it be if Rand just started doing his best Bane impression. Oh, you think rhetoric is your ally. But you merely adopted the rhetoric Marco Rubio; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!

2:45PM – In order to get the crowd going Rand just did the opening to Welcome to the Jungle. Who knew the dude could dance like a uh, uh, serpentine he wants to hear you scream.

3:00PM – Hour three in effect. But not Das EFX.

3:15PM – Rand just had Ted Cruz order Papa Johns.

3:30PM – Look I know Papa Johns is the republican pizza of choice but don’t you go Dominos every time? Pizza Tracker would be the best show on CBS, wait hold on he just mentioned that a sense of self is a virtue, DRANK.

4:00PM – Over four hours? At least Branagh’s Hamlet has an intermission. Rand is a real prima donna.

4:30PM – Papa John’s finally got here. Ted and Marco are fighting over the garlic dip.

5:00PM – “I could die for you, but I wouldn’t and couldn’t live for you” not sure if he is quoting Ayn Rand or James Cameron. Either way, DRANK.

5:30PM – Rand is doing what I would best describe as a mix between “The Dougie and “The White Man’s Overbite”. Nope. It’s just the pee pee dance.

6:00PM – I hope 150 years from now Steven Spielberg’s decedents dramatize this moment. I also hope that in 150 years Ben Affleck’s decedents make a movie that is alright but sort of paints Hollywood in a good light and we just give the Oscar to that instead.

6:30PM – Rand has started reading from Twilight now. This shit is dreamy as hell.

7:00PM – Rand promised that if he goes till 11PM he will start reading from 50 Shades of Grey. I can’t wait for The House of Representatives: After Dark

7:30PM – Rand has started to sing Journey and Bon Jovi songs. What is white people’s fascination with Living on a Prayer and Don’t Stop Believing? Don’t you folks know any other songs?

8:00PM – Rand is just recounting meals that he really enjoyed. This dude loves mayonnaise. Not even aioli just straight up mayo.

8:30PM – Yes. Rand. We all like Pina Coladas.

9:00PM – Mitch McConnell looks like he is determined to win every race slow and steady.

9:30PM – You know that one of the only filibusters to last longer than this was when Strom Thurmond argued against civil rights? How angry do you have to be about someone or something to rail against it for 24 hours? There is nothing, not the Star Wars Prequels, not even charging extra for McNugget dipping sauces that I could yell about for more than 10 or so hours. Strom sure hated Black people. Well, except for that one he knocked up. I guess he was good with integration as long as it licked his balls a little.

10:00PM – Ten O’clock and all is boring as hell. Rand has spent the last hour trying to explain why he John Carter of Mars wasn’t a bigger hit. He thinks it comes down to the script and that given the right material Tylor Kitsch could be a huge star. I don’t know. I saw it. I thought the wrap around segments were pretty interesting but the film itself was kind of dull. I didn’t get all the red vs. blue stuff. Is Mark Strong only in bad movies?

10:30PM – Hold Up. Rand just pointed out that Mark Strong was really good in Tinker Tailer Soldier Spy and Zero Dark Thirty. I guess. But I feel like anyone could have played those roles.

11:00PM – Dudez. I am super sleepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

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11:00PM – Sorry about that. This is just so boring. Look, I completely agree with what he is arguing about but there has to be an easier way to make a point. Why is democracy such a pain in the ass?

11:30PM – So Ted Cruz runs onto the floor and starts screaming about how Pink Berry is closed and if he was going to filibuster about anything it would be that we should legally require Pink Berry to stay open 24 hours a day. Well color me shocked. I guess even a broken clock is right twice a day. I can’t argue with this new Pink Berry initiative

12:00AM – It’s tomorrow. This has gone on longer than the ending of Return of the King. This has gone on longer than this years Oscars. This has gone, alright you get it. Analogies aside I mean, we get it Rand. Spy robots armed with missiles are bad. Like worse than Daniel Tosh bad. But like Tosh I don’t know if we will ever be able to stop them.

12:30AM – He’s cut. He’s cut. The Russian is cut. Alright Rand is from Kentucky and he isn’t bleeding but this dude is clearly getting woozy. I can only pray he is winding down.

12:40AM – Thank fuck this tea party robot has a bladder. I thought that wasn’t ever going to end. That felt longer than the last season of Downton Abbey. Is that long? I don’t even know anymore. I feel like I have been in a casino for the last 12 hours. I’ve been up, I’ve been down. I swear at one point I saw Judge Scalia walk through the gallery and flip us all the bird. Who knows? At the end of the day (days, really) I guess Rand was right and I guess we did get to eat Papa Johns. Was this a waste? Who knows? Sometimes it takes a complete jackass to remind you that even the “good guys” can go to far.

An Written Piece from Episode 56 of An Hour With Your Ex Podcast.

My Dark Obsession

Each show we try to do a written piece on a particular topic related to the film we watched. This week it was Vertigo and we wrote about obsession. The piece here was tweaked a little so that someone could actually read it. Listen to the show below.




 

Our obsessions tell people everything they need to know about us. Most obsessions are unhealthy. Things that are benign are interests. People have interests like needlepoint, tennis, or taking photos of their food. But obsessions are fun because people engage in them at the expense of other parts of their life. With hyperbole being what it is today I have heard people claim to be obsessed with everything from sharpies to cupcakes.  But do you think someone has ever blown someone in a seedy bathroom for a sugary treat from sprinkles? If you’re obsessed with something you can go to some pretty great lengths to feed that obsession. Allow me to tell you about an obsession of mine.

It was the spring of ‘99. My future was ahead of me and high school was almost behind me. The world was full of possibility. The greatest of all possibilities was that George Lucas was about to drop THE PHANTOM MENACE on our collective heads. My earliest memory was watching Star Wars. I grew up with these films. It’s safe to say that I came in contact with the holy trilogy every single day of my youth. I was so thirsty for galaxies long ago and far away that I would consume every single thing I could. Comic books, poorly written expanded universe books, even…gasp…fan fiction. I was taking every single bit of simulacra I could so the idea of getting real actual Star Wars from the fount itself was too much.

Would I have blown someone to see The Phantom Menace? No, maybe, most likely no. But would I have gently caressed George Lucas’ neck wobble and whispered that Linda Ronstadt was a monster in his ear, ABSOLUTELY.

I was made my life about this stupid movie. Every single magazine article I could find I would buy.  Kenner UPC codes to get the Mace Windu action figure.I got out of school one morning under the guise of going to see the city council for a civics class and went to Toys R Us the first day new action figures came out. I drove all around my shitty little town looking for a Darth Maul to complete my set. Pouring through rack upon rack of Kit Fisto and Captain Tychos in order to find the plastic visage of what I was sure was the greatest villain since Vader himself. I had a complete set of Taco Bell cup toppers. Mountain Dew is delicious but a gallon of Mountain Dew sucked through Watto’s head couldn’t be beat.

When tickets went I sale it was the midnight show or bust. It was May of my senior year of highschool and I knew that I was going to a junior college. Skipping a day of school at that point wasn’t going to change wear I was headed. Shocking I know based on the paragraph that preceded this but I was both dumb and poor. Bad grades and a bank account spent on plastic toys ensured that it was the 13th grade for me. I skipped what little school I had left to sit in a parking lot in California in May.

A sea  of a hundred nerds camped out in a parking lot by a freeway eagerly waiting to buy tickets to the midnight show. I fondly remember hanging out with Mick he was super old like 28 or something and was the manager of the Pacific Sunwear most of my friends worked at. Good dude. He had a baby on the way that I seem to recall may have ended up with a Star Wars related name. I got there at 6AM tickets weren’t to go on sale till later in the day. Mick and I shot the shit and spun out our wildest theories. Truth be told this may have been the highlight of the entire process.

I got my tickets. When that night came I rushed out of work to get to the theater to stand in line again two hours early. An hour before midnight we finally stormed our way in. It seemed like everyone in my town was there. We took over this mini-mega-plex. The lights dimmed, the trailer for The Beach played as we all waited to be transported to the a galaxy far far away. The Lucasfilm logo fades in. The fanfare hit. My obsession peaked right as the yellow text hit the screen. I won’t recount what happened next. You were there. You know. Jake Lloyd, Jar Jar, midichlorians, it was like having an abortion scored by John Williams. If I had a crest it was fallen.

As bad as that night was it did something. Soon after the star wars figures were placed in a containers and now all sit in my parents garage like boxes at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I hope the evil inside has burned away the phantom menace logo like just like the swastika on the ark. I was cured all right. Like Alex De Large I faced the horror with my eyes wide open. Only mine were pinned by hope. A New Old Hope.

After the crushing disappointment of that night I began to be free of my obsession. It’s not to say I didn’t line up again but with every new film it got easier and easier not to care. I remember seeing the final film when I was living in Europe and just being glad that it was all over. I don’t think I have watched the prequels all the way through once since I saw them in theaters. Sometimes when they show up on Spike I watch five minutes or so and change the channel. I can’t remember why I cared so much.

Recently Star Wars has shown up in my life like an old girlfriend on facebook. She’s lost weight and started dating JJ. People are excited. I can’t bring myself to care. When I see people online get in a tizzy about the new films I shake my head. It’s like seeing a junkie on the street after you kicked. You feel bad for them but you know that there is nothing you can do. The only way to cure an obsession is to completely bottom out. Lucky for me my dealer decided to keep stepping on my stuff till I couldn’t recognize it anymore.

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