Hey Everyone,

Kathleen Kennedy here! We couldn’t be more excited to be working on a new Star Wars film with JJ Abrams. I wanted to address a few concerns everyone has about the upcoming films.

  • We are bringing back Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford.
  • We understand everyone’s concern that Carrie and Mark won’t be “camera ready” in time for our planned July start date. Don’t worry. Using the same technology from Benjamin Button and The Avengers we are able to create lifelike digital “actors” to portray an aged Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia. We have done tests and we think we have created digital performers evoke what our focus groups and fans want from an aged Luke and Leia.
  • But just in case we have two separate scripts. One is a rousing space opera that will thrill and delight audiences all over the world featuring our digital actors.
  • There is concern that we won’t have enough time to render the effects convincingly so if Carrie, Mark, and Harrison have to be on camera we have written another script. The script has certain changes to accommodate the look and age Mark, Carrie, and Harrison.
  • Luke is a hermit Jedi that lays around wearing Hawaiian shirts and using the force to eat space chips and space cakes from a prone position. After seeing the death of his father and losing a hand Luke decided he just needed to chill out for a bit, figure his shit out. This more relaxed Luke is a role that we feel confident that Mark can play in his current state. Most scenes end with him saying, “Whatever”, pulling a rip from the water pipe from Jabba’s palace and then laughing like the Joker.
  • Leia in our second script developed a significant drinking and pill problem trying to deal with the stress of leading a new galactic senate. We view her as a good mix of Hilary Clinton and Judy Garland. Her idea of a good mix is a space klonopin and tumbler full of space vodka. Leia has spent the last 30 years starting and stoping work on a personal memoir about her absent mother and the her horror at finding out her father was a galactic tyrant. She spends most of the new trilogy on a planet that resembles an artist commune in Sedona on Tattooine.
  • Han Solo in this script spends most of the film grumbling and squinting. We think Harrison will crush it. Have you seen him act lately? This couldn’t be more in his wheelhouse.
  • JJ has already offered significant input on the script as well. So we are going to do what he asked and just mix either of our prepared scripts with the scripts for Jaws, Close Encounters, and The Color Purple to create the ultimate Spielberg homage.
  • YES. Greg Grunberg will be in the film. It’s a JJ Abrams joint. He will be playing R2-D2. Not the noises. He will be the in the actual suit just like Kenny Baker. We will digitally shrink him in post.
  • Jar Jar Binks will be in the film. He will be playing the villain of the piece. After hiding out during the events of Episodes IV-VI because everyone hated him he decides to exact his revenge on the cold and callous world that rejected him. HESSA BOOM BAD GUY. We will be having Kevin Hart provide the voice and on camera performance. We will digitally replace him with an older scarier Jar Jar. Concept art to follow.
  • We won’t be making any toys, dolls, sheets, cereal, tooth brushes, Halloween Costumes, cheap cash in video games, cell phone cases, tooth fillings, or branded children’s sleep aides… J/K. If people bought all that crap for the prequels think of what we could sell them now.
  • Our major concern is making a high quality film that will last the ages. BOOM. Don’t let anyone tell you that Kathleen Kennedy doesn’t have a sense of humor. We plan to release whatever we can into theaters by 2015 and follow it every year with a film until we can finally make my dream Star Wars film – A remake of the Denzel Washington film “Flight” starring Nien Nunb.
  • We couldn’t be more excited to cash in on these grown man children and there is no better time than the present. Most of them are 30-50 years old and rife with disposable income. Our polling data has shown that 97% of serious Star Wars fans haven’t reproduced our window will be closing eventually has there is no new generation of fan to replace them. There is money to be made but we have to strike (back…Kennedy kills it again) while we still can. These Dorito eating, Mountain Dew drinking mouth breathers aren’t long for the world.
  • MAY THE FORCE (and the dollars) BE WITH YOU.

-K.K. OUT.