Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Date: March 4, 2013

Justice League Pitch (Leaked Internal WB Documents)

From The Desk of Jeff Robinov

Dear Chumps,

So I just saw The Avengers. Can someone explain to me why we aren’t filming an Avengers movie right this minute with all our Super Duper Heros? They had a movie featuring Thor, Captain America, The Hulk, Iron Man, and Scarlet Johansson’s sweet can. What do we got? A kid from a sitcom that maybe is Batman or Nighthawk or whatever? I can’t trust you dummies to get anything right.

Last time I left you in charge we got Green Lantern. Is anyone shocked we had to write off $200 millions dollars for a movie featuring one of the leads of Two Guys A Girl and fucking A Pizza Place wearing a magic ring? Even Frodo couldn’t have saved that green ringed nonsense. So what do we do?

Lucky for you dinkesses I know what the fuck is going on in the world.

Here is my 10 step plan to 1.5 Billion dollars.

1 – Rehire Chris Nolan. Look. You, me, and Chris Nolan’s mom all know Dark Knight Rises was crap. Guess what? We still made a billion dollars. America hates Ann Hathaway, the movie featured someone doing their best impression of Sean Connery getting a 12 year thai girl to suffocate him, and we locked Batman in a well for 2/3’s of the movie. Nolan has to come back. I want him producing. This guy got Inception to almost a billion bucks. I will pay you 2 Billion if you can explain the goddamn dreidel thing to me

2 – Bale is back. I don’t know why America loves to hear this guy growl at them for 3 hours but they do. I want Bale back as Batman. Tell the kid from Scooper or whatever that he ain’t what we’re looking for.

3 – Snyder directs. This guy is a genius. Shoots a 30 minute movie puts his slow motion who-zi-whats-its on it and BOOM 3 hour epic. If we spend $300 million on a 30 minute movie it will make Avatar look like Avatar: The Last Airbender.

4 – Henry Cavil is back. I have seen our big summer picture Man of Steel. Guess what? I haven’t seen a guy look this good on screen since my main man Swayze forced that girl to keep dancing to pay for her abortion. We got a hit. So we got to lock this kid up now. Sign him to a 12 picture deal. I want Superman in all our pictures in the next three years. Superman and Sandra Bullock have to get married so he can get a green card. Superman has to go save the hostages in Iran. Superman and the Duplass bros team up for a movie about Superman having to run his dad’s pet store.  You get the picture and that picture is Superman.

5 – Superman and Batman team up and form some sort of Squad or Gang. There you go call them the No Crime Gang. Superman flies around lifting cars and Batman growls at people.

6 – Two Words. THREE DEEZ

7 – 96 FPS. If that kiwi jerk made  a hit for us with The Hobbit in 48 FPS why don’t we just double it. KABOOM.

8 – I was just informed that we own all the DC Comic characters and that they are all part of a team already. So there it is. The Justice League. Ring guy, Fish man, Wonder Lady, all of them. So lets avenge it all up and put them in one movie. Those dummies at Marvel made 16 movies explaining everything before The Avengers. Let’s skip that crap and give the people what they want. All the super duper heroes in one movie.

9 – Turns out we also own Harry Potter. So the Justice Team has to work with Harry Potter to stop Valdoman. We reboot the Harry Potter in the process and can remake all of them. This time we make them all a trilogy. 7 Harry Potter Books done as 7 trilogies? That’s 21 Billions dollars if my Chinese accountants numbers add up. And they better because most of this will be funded with his money. Yuan for everyone.

10 – SPIDERMAN. I’m buddies with those ding dongs over at Sony. I say we team up with them. Let them have Canadian, Australian, and Micronesia’s box office and we get Spiderman. Who cares if they are from different comic books? This shit is all made up. I would add Jesus if I thought we could boost the 3 day gross….Hold On. What is Jim Caviezel doing these days

 

 

 

A Letter From President Obama To The Nerds

To Who It May Concern,
    As your President I understand your pain and confusion regarding the recent sequestration. I too am disappointed that your elected officials cannot come together and protect the American people’s financial interests. However like all of you, my greatest source of frustration is with my remarks concerning Star Wars and Star Trek. I am a fan of both franchises and owe my Presidency in large part to what my campaign affectionately refereed to as “The Nerd Vote.”
    I know the difference between a Jedi Mind Trick and a Vulcan Mind Meld. I attended Harvard in the 80’s, I know a thing or two about nerds. Let me tell you about a young freshman named Barry who failed a history final because he spent too many nights playing Dungeons and Demons. I understand the nerd vote and know how important you folks are to America today. It was a nerd that build the internet not Al Gore. It was nerds that built my favorite gaming device Sony’s Xbox and it will be the nerds that help build the future of this great country. You are the fearless creators of our future. I believe it was Obi One Starbuck that said in The Wrath of Kahn, “Do something, or don’t do something, that is the only thing to do.”
    The way I see it my party is like those little teddy bears trying to strike back agains the evil Republican Federation in Star Wars. John Boehner is like Dark Fader and I am Hand Sulu trying to out run them at every turn. Rush Limbaugh is a big, disgusting monster just like Jobs the Hutt, right? As your fan boy in chief know that I have your best interests at heart and will push to bring us together just like Starfleece. I ask my fellow Americans, Wikkies, and Clingons, to turn away from fear. It is as Yodel said, “Fear leads to being angry, being angry leads to searching for Spock, and that can lead to the little death.” May the force allow you to live long and foster.
Sincerely,
 

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