People and Pets of Pets Dot Com,

After two intense and wonderful years as mascot for PETS DOT COM, I’ve decided that I’d like to visit a farm up north. Just kidding – I will be put down today. If you’re wondering why . . . you haven’t been paying attention. From our controversial float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade to our material weakness to my embarrassing performance on Regis and Kathie Lee (side bar – Kathie, sweetheart, I’ve humped a lot of legs but your gams will always be tops) the events of the last year and a half speak for themselves. As mascot, I am accountable.

You are doing amazing things at Pets Dot Com, and you deserve the outside world to give you a second chance. I’m getting in the way of that. A fresh Mascot earns you that chance. The board is aligned behind the strategy we’ve shared over the last few months, and I’ve never seen you working together more effectively as a global company – it’s time to give Pets Dot Com a relief valve from my public behavior.

For those who are concerned about me, please don’t be – I love Pets Dot Com, and I’m terribly proud of what we’ve created. I’m OK with being put down, I have been reading a lot of Deepok Chopra lately. If Pets Dot Com was Contra, it would be like I forgot to hit up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, Start (or Select, Start but I like playing alone). I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to take the company this far with all of you. I’ll now take some time to die (FYI I’m looking for a good project for my buddy Michael Ian Black – I feel like he should work with David Wain and Michael Showalter we could use high quality three man sketch), and then maybe I’ll figure out how to channel this experience into my next life.

If there’s one piece of wisdom that this simple puppet would like to impart upon you: have the courage to sell milk bones online. My biggest regrets are the moments that I let a lack of data override my intuition on what’s best for our customers and humping Kathie Lee’s leg live on morning TV. This mascot change gives you some breathing room to break bad habits and deliver puppy chow ensuring customer happiness – don’t waste the opportunity!

I will miss you terribly. I’m Not Afraid of Death.

Love,

The Pets Dot Com Mascot 

RIP – LIFE AFTER DEATH

Peace Out