Mark Colomb

Videos, Podcasts, and Junk

Month: March 2013 (page 1 of 3)

A True Letter From My Lord and Yours Jesus Christ

Dear Dad,

Hey. Pete said you were out of the office. I wonder if you had a couple minutes, I have some things I think we need to discuss before I head back. I have had such a good time at your place even without you around much. What should I expect at mover 30 years of neglect. But, the food is good, and I certainly don’t miss the constant ` back home. Dad, God, please don’t make me go back to earth. Those people are a bunch of cocks.

Look it was bad enough you knocked mom up and then just split. Plenty of guys I know never met their dads. But to not even send a couple pieces of gold so I could get new sandals? YOU WERE NEVER THERE DAD. Joe was alright but he had his own problems. To be honest I never got the sense he was really that into me being around. I can’t blame him I mean, he’s a carpenter and the proverbial second guy at the dance. Tough competing with the Lord of all creation, the personification of the infinite, who can magically knock up his wife by thinking about it. You don’t think every time mom missed her moon cycle he wasn’t worried that you got another wild hair up your infinite ass?

Also, while we are at it can I get a straight answer on that whole thing? I deserve to know if you are really my dad. At least give me an idea on your medical history. Does diabetes, cancer, or high blood pressure run in the family? Do I get to live forever like you or is it one of those I get to live forever in everyone’s hearts? Don’t bullshit me on this immortality stuff you old so and so. My knee always hurts right before it rains, do you have something like that? Also I have a unibrow, does that run on our side of the family? Thanks for that one. Do I even have another side of the family or is just you? Do I have a Grandpa God? Whatever, I know you will just say the same thing you always do. “I am your father and I am infallible, my truths are all truths, la di fucking da.” Would it kill you to throw me a bone once and awhile?

Also if you can make and do whatever you want could you have it rain something tastier than some dry ass bread when me and the boys get hungry? How about some lamb kabobs? Shit, I would settle for an afternoon shower of pita chips and hummus. Help me out. It’s not like spreading your word pays very well. Do you know how many people in the world will follow you around the desert if you don’t pay them? 12. Exactly 12. And a hooker. Which, I mean. How good a hooker are you if you will work for free? I am always telling Mary, you have to know what you are worth. And, as I found out a couple of days ago my life is worth 30 pieces of silver. Maybe if you could have shook out your cosmic couch for, oh, I don’t know 31 maybe 32 pieces of silver I wouldn’t have had to spend the weekend at your place DAD.

Was that fun for you? It wasn’t fun for me. The only thing I enjoy less than being dead and spending time at your place is, well, HANGING ON THE GODDAMN CROSS FOR  COUPLE OF HOURS. So, yes. Next to having nails driven through my hands and feet, wearing a crown of thorns, carrying my own cross in the hot ass sun, spending the weekend with you doesn’t seem so bad. So if that was your plan, mission accomplished. At any point maybe you could have stepped in and called that whole thing off. I kept saying to myself after every step up the hill, Dad will show up, he will fix this, there is no way he hangs me out to dry this time. BUT no. I was literally HUNG OUT TO DRY. Nailed to a 2×4 in the middle of the day next to a bunch of liars and thieves. What was my crime, pop? Going door to door selling something people don’t want? By that logic they should nail up every single traveling pottery salesmen.

I can’t believe you are sending me back to earth. What do you think is going to happen this time? Oh, Jesus, we are sorry. We ran the numbers again and boy howdy did we make a mistake. All that time you were just preaching was that people should be decent to one another. Treat others how you want to be treated and all that. Sure, it seemed radical at the time but having had the weekend to think about it, you totally have a point. Best of luck in all your future endeavors. FAT FUCKING CHANCE DAD.

Last I heard my body is buried in cave. So right away I have to push move a bolder all on my own. Could you send Gabe or somebody to give me a hand with that? Then what? I roll into town, HEY GUYS, it’s me Jesus. I know proclaiming I was the son of god really pissed you off before but guess what I can come back from the dead as well. That will go over like a lead fucking ballon. By the way. Maybe we could explain to the humans what lead is? I am almost positive these roman dopes are using it to make all their mugs. I am positive it’s messing with their heads. You have to be one of the laziest deities in all of creation, you know that. It’s bad enough you weren’t there for me but do you have to be the universes dead beat dad? Where is this coming from? Man UP.

Well I guess I have bitched enough for a whole lifetime, but guess what? I AM IMMORTAL so expect the complaining to continue. Look I don’t mean to bust your chops too hard, it’s just I don’t think these dopes deserve all this. Even know I get the feeling they are confusing what I say. I tried to keep it simple but I have heard other people twisting my words and using my name to commit all sorts of nonsense. And I have only been doing this for a couple of years. Can you imagine the game of spiritual whispers that could happen if this thing really catches on? It’s like that game you play at birthday parties where I whisper banana into someones ear and by the time it gets back to you thousands of years later banana is “STRIKE DOWN THOSE WHO OPOSE YOU AND BELITTLE AND INTIMIDATE ALL THOSE WHO ARE JUST A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT FROM YOU”. I know that is how this is going to turn out. We can’t trust these creeps to keep it clean.

Oh well. Pete says it’s time for me to go. I hope you read this. Sorry I came off as so terse. It’s been a long couple of days. See you soon. When I get back maybe we could grab a chalice of wine or something? Ashes to Ashes and all that.

 

Your Son,

J

A Letter from Ashley Judd

Hey Y’all,

 

Hey Derrick. How is the weather in California? Staying busy? Hope you have time for your number one client, me, Ashley Judd. Derrick you have done so much for my career and I can’t thank you enough. You got me that role in Heat and my own franchise of women fighting back against or with Morgan Freeman. You’re the best. I’m real excited about this Senate project y’all are talking about for the fall. My people tell me nothing but good things.

It’s been a tough couple of months with the divorce and everything. I thought getting that Masters from Harvard would fix all my problems. Don’t tell anyone but it was only eight credits so it ain’t a real degree. But it sure made me feel better. Then my boys at Kentucky missed the tournament this year. It’s rough Derrick. It’s rough. Plus I haven’t been working too much 🙁 That’s why I couldn’t be more excited for this Senate project. It will be the perfect follow up to my starring role in this summer’s only White House under siege film, Olympus Has Fallen.

My people told me it’s mostly going to film in DC which is great. I could go over and see my girl Mrs. President whenever we aren’t filming. Maybe go see a Redskins game. It would be a blessing. Do you know how much the job is going to pay? Do I get points on the back end? Derrick, do you know how long filming is going to be? One of my assistant said SIX YEARS? That sounds crazy. Is this a movie or a series commitment? I won’t do another series after the failure of my last show Missing.

I have to be back for basketball season. GO WILDCATS. So do I play like a Senator who is framed for a crime she didn’t commit? Or is it that my husband is a powerful Senator that has been cheating on me with a lobbyist and she and him fake their own deaths? Maybe I am a Senator investigating the gun lobby and I have a shoot out with the head of the NRA as he chases me up the Washington Monument? It will be like Vertigo but this time Kim Novak lives. Oh, Derrick, I am so excited to get working again. Hold on. Someone is on the phone.

WHAT THE FUCK DERRICK? That was someone from CNN. They wanted to know if I was running for Mitch McConnell’s Senate seat. WHY WOULD THEY THINK THAT DERRICK? I laughed and laughed. An actor running for the Senate? I mean I know it’s Kentucky but the people here aren’t that stupid. What qualifications do I have? I took some online class from Harvard for two weeks because I wanted a sweatshirt. I have spent the last 20 years acting and going to college basketball games. Senator, I mean could you imagine that?

Why would anyone think I would make a good Senator? Was this your doing? Did you tell someone in the press that I was going to run for Senate? I am an actress not a politician. I couldn’t imagine someone electing an actor for dog catcher. You would have to be out of your mind. Why don’t I run for Governor or President, Derrick. An actor being President, that is the silliest thing I have ever heard.

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter from CEO of HBO Richard Plepler

Dear Home Box Officers,

Great news. Just got the ratings for our Phil Spector movie. It’s a hit. Now we don’t release ratings so I can’t give you the exact numbers but believe you me, IT’S BIG. The people have spoken and that voice says, “Give me overwrought 90 minute movies featuring fading stars playing creeps in wigs”. It’s also no secret how important my buddy little Davey Mamet was to the entire process. When he walked into my office and said, “You cock sucking fat cat, give me, yes, give me, the chance to tell, a…no…this story.” I had to say yes. I love that crazy bastard.

We have Steven Soderbergh coming up next month with Michael Douglas playing Liberace. But we need more. So it’s up to HBO to keep these things coming out a regular clip and I am only to happy to deliver. Here are some of the pitches we are looking at.

Oliver Stone directs the Tommy Lee Jones in Life Won’t Wait: The Tom Waits story. Written by Joel Coen. Tommy Lee Jones mumbles his way through the story of fading star dealing with what happens when someone pretends to be a mumbling old man his whole and life wakes up one morning to find he is indeed a mumbling old man. We are going to focus specifically on Tom hearing ScarJo belting out his tunes and the creeping realization that his entire song catalogue is atrocious.

William Friedkin directs Christopher Walken in All Out of Love: The Mike Love Story written by Tracey Letts. We tell the story of Mike Love firing all the other Beach Boys and his life on tour. Letts brings his personal touch of dysfunction to a story of the bad vibrations that are ripping a family apart.

Lars Von Trier directs Christoph Waltz in Shredded: The Yngwie Malmsteen story. Entire script to be improvised live on stage. The story of Sweedish guitar phenom coming to grips with carpal tunnel syndrome. The production will take place in the round at the Danish National Theater. Von Trier is requiring Waltz to play all his own guitar parts. Cast will be nude. Maybe we can pair this with an episode of Cathouse late at night.

Michael Apted directs Gary Oldman in But Who Are You: The Pete Townshend Story. Script by Tom Stoppard. The story of Pete’s arrest on child pornography charges and the ensuing fallout. Stoppard tells the story from the point of view of roadies for The Who to be played by Timothy Spall and Paddy Considine. We get Pete’s story from the men on the edges of his life. Working class blokes who drift in and out of the larger morality play.

Roman Polanski directs Tilda Swinton in Thin White Puke: The David Bowie Story. Written by Duncan Jones. Iman to be played by Beyonce. After a heart attack David Bowie quietly contemplates retiring from music all together. Watch as Ziggy Stardust spends his days puttering around the garden, making tea, and watching Big Brother UK. As rumors of his impending death swirl Bowie begins to plan his comeback. Panic leads to crippling stomach pain and near constant vomiting. We have to film the whole thing in Romania due to Roman’s ongoing troubles. Hey, think of the tax break.

Prince directs Chris Tucker in Purple Pain: The Story of Prince. To be written by Prince. Prince sent me the pitch for this by carrier pigeon. I guess he had to get an appendectomy last year. He never told anyone but he thinks it could make a great movie. He says if I film it he will play a six hour show when my wife and I renew our vows this summer in St. Lucia. Fuck, whatever man. SIX HOURS OF PRINCE.

As you can see there is no shortage of directors looking to suckle at the premium cable teat and nut ball musicians with a story to tell. We get the cover of EW every single time we shoot one of these and we have to show something now that we cancelled Enlightened. We haven’t had a new hit show since Game of Thrones. Remember it’s not TV it’s HBO. And if it’s up to me HBO will be nothing but dramatizations of Behind the Music.

Talking Games Podcast: Mass Effects

I talked Mass Effect, EA, Starcraft, Ridiculous Fishing and more. Tim Dunn and Clayton Margeson host a weekly podcast talking about games.

Podcast Powered By Podbean

A Letter to Tilda Swinton re: Sleeping in the MoMa

Dear Ms. Swinton,

My name is Nathaniel Harrington and I am President and Head Curator of the MoMa. I writing you this letter to inform you that though we appreciate your work in such films as Constantine, The Chronicles of Narnia, and of course The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (is Brad Pitt retarded in real life, you have to let me know, I am almost positive he must be dumb) YOU CANNOT JUST SLEEP WHEREVER YOU LIKE. This is a museum not a Motel 6.

What gives you the right to just lay down and sleep in a museum especially one as prestigious as the MoMa? We are home to such works as Starry Night, I and the Village, and the Persistence of Memory. What we are not home to is vagrant actors who believe they can sleep wherever their head can find purchase. How dare you Ms. Swinton. We are tired of this behaviour and will not tolerate it or encourage it. This is indeed a slippery slope.

I have been contacted the heads of several other prestigious museums around the world and have been alerted that you have pulled these kind of stunts before. You are a very respected and successful actor. Can you not afford to sleep in a hotel? Have you tried Priceline or Kayak? They have very reasonable deals and I believe that someone of your stature should be staying in a hotel and not just sleeping inside a museum like some kind of hobo trying to get out of the cold.

This recent lapse of judgement on your part has led to a sea of problems in museums across the globe. Jude Law has started barbecuing sausages in Louvre,  Johnny Depp has taken to bathing in the fountain outside the National Gallery in London, and I am remiss to mention the kinds of things that James Franco is attempting in The Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam. Can you imagine what James Franco is like when he smokes dope and walks into a museum. If you could do us all a favor maybe you could have a word with James and let him know that no one is amused or impressed with his antics? You actors must all talk to each other from time to time.

Those of us who run these public museums and galleries refuse to be taken advantage of by actors such as yourself run amok. We will not be held hostage as you nap the day away because you are too cheap to find appropriate lodging. It is enough that we as a public pretend to care about the political views of the Hollywood elite when in fact all we are hoping for is to glimpse the side of your breast or a flash of your little Swinton as you exit a limousine.

We are more than happy to indulge you to a point. We will humor you when you all decide to write and direct your own films because you need to “express” your self. We will cheer when you put out an album of covers of songs by Tom Waits or Leonard Cohen. In return all we ask is that you do the occasional comic book movie and be likeable in your appearances on both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. This is the compact that we have all entered into together. But your insistence on sleeping in public spaces is just going to far. So please. Tilda. Stop.

Thank You,

Nathaniel Harrington

President and Head Curator of the MoMa

PS That David Bowie video was pretty great.

PPS However I didn’t really care for the album. I mean I get it. We all thought he was going to die last year and then it turns out he is fine and he made a new album with Tony Visconti. Great. I guess. But the album isn’t that great and I don’t understand why everyone is tripping all over themselves to laud it as some kind of masterpiece. We have done this before, I think we all remember when he got into Drum and Bass. Oh, well. Whatever. Stop sleeping in my museum you ginger creep. J/K I love your work.

 

PPPS But seriously stop sleeping here. I mean it.

 

A Letter from Guy Fieri: HELP ME BRO

Dear Mr. Fieri,

My name is Arthur Handler and I am the policy representative for your health insurance. I am a big fan of your show and appreciate how hard you work every single day showing America all the great Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives across this great country. That is why it is with a heavy heart that I have to inform you that we are no longer able to insure you.

The results of your latest physical were sent to us as per the details of your policy. Your blood pressure, cholesterol, and over all health is beyond what we feel is reasonable for a man of your age. Simply put Mr. Fieri you are going to die, soon. For that reason we feel that offering you a policy is a waste of our time and money.

All the best in your (brief) future.

 


Hey Bro,

Look here man. You can’t cancel my plan you pencil pushing BUTT LICK. I have to eat in order to do my job. You think I like eating this shit? It’s been six years since I have had a day without eating something drowning in chili or slathered in aioli. Bro, I hate it. But I gots to keep eating. Don’t cancel my plan. I’m not a bad dude. I have given the world so much. Is the world a better place because I created doughnuts stuffed with pork and wasabi and ginger and then deep fried and covered in mole’ sauce and coleslaw? You better believe it brother.

Guy knows he isn’t doing too well. In all honesty Guy doesn’t feel great. My man, I eat prilosex like tick tacks and it don’t do shit. My asshole is basically one giant hemorrhoid that spits out soft serve every two hours on the dot. I’m like a shitty, smelly old faithful. I sweat when I sleep, man. And you better believe Guy sleeps in the buff bro. When I go to bed I’m covered with my awesome ink and the smell of carnitas and butter cream that is constantly pouring out of me. HELP ME BRO, I’M REAL SICK.

I tried to tell my masters at Food Network but they say if I stop they are going to hurt my wife. They got her locked up somewhere man, they won’t tell me where. They promised if I keep working eventually I will get to see her again. I would love to get better. I want to feel better. BUT I HAVE TO EAT. I can’t even tell the difference between a kicken jerk chicken buffalo slider and a four alarm fire cracker salmon calzone. This stuff isn’t even food. It’s just words thrown together so that it sounds like something. It’s all my fault. I did this. I know. I’m sorry. All these food truck and cupcakes stores are my fault. There is blood and ranch with bacon bits all over my hands.

Sometimes I call Adam Richman that dude from Man Vs. Food and we just cry to each other. His masters at the Travel channel finally let him stop eating but only because he has a year left to live. He’s not sure what it is that is killing him he just knows he’s going to the big diner in the sky pretty soon. I tried to talk to my overlords but they say there is no stopping for Guy. Every person you see on tv eating food is sick beyond words bro. We are killing ourselves so you people have something to watch on Sunday afternoons while you think about doing the dishes.

Did you know there have been three Anthony Bourdains? It’s true. The guy that wrote Kitchen Confidential (was it good? I don’t read anything that ain’t a menu) died in Laos in 2002. The second Bourdain had an allergic reaction to seared boar rectum in 2005, swelled up and has been calling himself Andrew Zimmerman ever since. Tony 3.0 is currently in a health and wellness facility in Sedona trying to get right with his God. There is talk of a Tony 4.0 debuting with his new CNN show. AND FOR WHAT? FOR YOU MONSTERS. YOU DON’T DESERVE HIM.

Look man. I know this shit aint right but America demands we eat for them. My colon is on the verge of exploding so they can see me flip my oakley sunglasses down and say “this is the bomb-a-lomb diggity dawg” every time I eat some jackass’ shit attempt at asian/texas/soul/french/nose/tail fusion food.

Buddy, do me a favor. I am too far gone but there still is time for the others. Let your friends know to stop watching people go around the world and eat food. It has to end. We never show you how to make the stuff. You don’t learn anything. It’s just some ass suffering from gout looking into the camera and going “yum yum, bro”. You can stop this if you want. You can help me live and save my wife from being forced to prepare meals for Rachel Ray.

A Letter from the Last Employee at Columbia House

-To Whom It May Concern,

Francis L. Stewart here. If you’re reading this I guess you found it. I couldn’t go on anymore. I knew what I was doing was pointless. I knew no one cared anymore, especially me. Day after day waiting around for someone to say something, waiting for someone to reach out and tell me to keep going. It never came and that is why I am writing this letter. That is why I had to end it all. Yep. It’s time to stop working at Columbia House.

For a long time we were on top of the world. We really had it all. 10 compact disc or 15 tape who a penny. We tricked them all. Sure it seemed like a good deal. Ha, fools. It was too good to be true. Once we had them in the contract it was off to the races. Month after month of Spin Doctors, Hootie and the Blowfish, and of course Eve 6. Goddamn did I mail out a lot of Eve 6 CD’s. But then the fucking internet happened. Who saw that coming? Everyone but us and Bill Gates.

We tried DVD’s but the bottom dropped out on that faster than the CD’s did. About six years ago I had to start laying folks off. As of last year it was just me. Mailing CD’s out to the only people we could still hoist them on, senior citizens and residents of Northern Florida. It wasn’t hard for me to keep up. We would get eight maybe nine orders a month. Then last November it all stopped. My first thought was it must have been Barack Hussein Obama’s fault like everything else. But after the new year I realized maybe our time had just passed.

For the last few months I have been wandering the warehouse trying to pass the time. I thought maybe I could make some money selling CD’s from the warehouse to the Sam Goody at the mall. Turns out the Sam Goody had been closed for three years and that the mall had closed last summer. Then I tried going to Warehouse Records out on route 12. Turns out they had gone out of business sometime after 9/11. I think maybe the two events are related but I can’t prove anything…yet.

About two months ago my paycheck stopped showing up. To be honest I was shocked that kept coming as long as they did. I mean no one ever called. No one ever checked in. I haven’t heard from anyone in corporate for a year or two. Once the checks stopped coming it wasn’t long till I was kicked out of my place. I moved into the warehouse last month. I figured that no one would notice. I guess I was right.

I built a crude shelter out of Rob Thomas CD’s in a corner near the water heater. When the heat was shut off two weeks ago I started burning Chris Gaines and Garth Brooks CD’s to stay warm. It worked but the smoke and the smell from all that burning plastic started giving me a headache something fierce. But if the choice is between a headache and freezing to death I guess…well that isn’t much of choice at all, is it? I tried to trade the boy who works at the 7/11 down the road some P-Diddy and the Family CD’s and a DVD of The Craft for some of the doughnuts they throw out at the end of the day. He told me he didn’t know what a CD was. That’s when I knew the jig was up.

So it’s time for me to move on. I hate to abandon my post but I don’t know if anyone would even notice. If you’re reading this, know that I worked hard. Know that I loved sending people The Soundtrack to Romeo and Juliet knowing full well that they would write “Return to Sender”. Oh, the game we played. Back in the early 90’s there wasn’t a single teenager in America that we didn’t trick into joining the club. They always thought they were going to get over on us. Well, I guess they finally did.

Whoever finds this letter please tell the world about Columbia House. Tell them that we didn’t mean any harm. Sure you can get all the music you want off the internet for free these days but the internet won’t send you the latest Incubus CD, or The Doors Greatest Hits. If you wait for Pirate Bay to send you The Toadies “Rubberneck” with it’s hit single “Possum Kingdom” you’re going to be waiting a long time. I packed up some of favorite discs and have hit the road. My cousin tells me he can get me with a new up and coming internet company in Chicago. If you need Francis L. Stewart you can find him answering phones at the hot new start up Groupon. All the best and I hope someone can find a good home for all this music. Maybe we can start a record club of our own in the future.

 

Douglas L. Adams

Matt Byrne’s The Steamroller

Matt has is a great champion of comedy in Chicago. He writes both on his blog and for Splitsider and Time Out Chicago. Great dude and was nice enough to post something I wrote on his website The Steamroller. Click over and see stuff from Joe McAdam, CJ Toledano, and tons of other people that make me laugh.

Click on the Splitsider link to see a great piece about Chicago Comedy in which several very nice lies are said about me.

An Hour with Your Ex Podcast Episode 58: Annie Hall

This week on The An Hour with Your Ex podcast Mel Evans and Mark Colomb watched Annie Hall. Mel gets pretty mad about Woody Allen but we both agree that we like Diane Keaton. Next week on the show we are talking about Sense and Sensibility

 


Podcast Powered By Podbean

 

A Letter to Comcast from a My Little Pony Fan

Dear Comcast,

My name is Richard R. Douglas and I have been getting comcastic service from you for the last three years. Recently I received a letter from you folks claiming that I had been downloading movies illegally from something called The Pirates Bay. I will have you know I am the victim of an elaborate plot from my neighbor Tad Crumple. Tad has hacked me. I have been hacked. I am being charged with copyright violations and I will not stand for it.

The letter I received from you claims that I am in possession of films like Avatar, Sucker Punch, Tansformers 3: The Dark of the Moon, and something called Brave that I can only assume is some sort of action film with Will Smith or Mel Gibson. This is impossible. I do not watch feature films. I am adult with sophisticated tastes and interests. The only media I consume is cartoons featuring and related to the wonderful world of My Little Pony. Do any of the above films feature a single pony? NO, no sir they do not. This is how I know it could not be me.

When I am home from my job, night managing a Kinkos I like to relax in the world of My Little Pony. I view myself as a grown human version of the shy and reserved pony Fluttershy. We both are nervous around strangers but if you took the time to get to know us I bet you would find out that we are interesting people/ponies. I spend my nights working harder than Applejack (she works on a farm day and night) herself and do not deserve to be accused of stealing films that I would never watch. Why would I watch something as silly as a movie about talking robots fighting with the kid from Even Stevens when I spend my time wrapped in world where friendship truly is magic.

I know that my neighbor Tad stole my internet. He knows that my internet is named Equestria after the magical land of the ponies. He must have guessed my password. In hindsight yes, Pinkie Pie is not the best choice for a password it should have had a number on it. But what was I supposed to do? Pinkie Pie loves to throw parties and so do I on the internet. If you are ever free you should come to my site ponyboyfriendmagic.anglefire.com where I post humorus GIFS of my favorite Ponies from my favorite episodes.

I know it was Tad, he hates me and the Fluttershy body pillow I plan on making my wife. He says that it’s just a pillow and that I need to wash it and that a 40 year old man shouldn’t carry it around to go to Papa John’s. To that I say; would you drown your wife in a soapy lake? If your wife loved the smell of freshly baked pizza and enjoyed the savings that you can only get by picking the pizza up yourself, WHAT WOULD YOU DO COMCAST?

I implore you to not take away my internet. I did not steal these films. It was Tad. I only use my internet to make tumblr pages for all my best Pony stories. If you drop the charges against me I will send you some. I bet you would like it. Have you ever watched My Little Pony? Many prominent people are fans of the ponies. Like Gabe Newell creator of Valve Software and my friend xxponyfanzboobzxx he says he is Donald Trump’s son Doug. Doug is going to build a theme park where people like me can take my pillow friend and get married, and ride rides, and be free of the persecution of modern America. Maybe Mr. Comcast could donate to help us build our park. I have been sending Doug half my paycheck every month to help him show his dad (The Donald) that people are serious about this park. Doug says that Fluttershy and I will be the first people married there.

Please don’t take my internet away. Thank you. Remember FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC.

-Richard R. Douglas

 

Older posts

© 2017 Mark Colomb

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑